I’m not doing well folks. I’ve had a series of financial and career (or lack thereof) humiliations that are still so traumatically fresh I can’t even blog about them. They are also so outlandish that to describe them would likely lead to other specifics being known about my life that I want to keep private. So I turn to my shame diary. I won’t tell you what’s in it but I will tell you what it is, how to use it and how to tell if you need it.

A shame diary is exactly what it sounds like. You write about the specific events that compromise your dignity and self-respect as an educated person, possessor of marketable skills and the potential to learn them and as a human being.

You use the diary to bring into your conscious mind various occurrences and think logically about how to regain your dignity and self-respect by overcoming one obstacle at a time. Hypothetically, say you lose a job and get driven out of that industry that requires your specialized highly expensive degree.  You write about that, everything it cost you including time and the money you could have made if you had been working then you brainstorm what it would take to REALLY redeem yourself. Obviously simply getting that job or one like it back wouldn’t do it because what would be the compensation for the period of exile? You would need a better job at a better company.

I don’t think a shame diary can ever hurt but here is how you know you need it. Events that if isolated might cause little to moderate embarassment for yourself or cause you to envy another have the potential to manifest themselves as physical symptoms. Eventually you begin to have mental breakdowns every so often, manifesting themselves in blackouts or complete dissassociation with the catalyst for the break. In the aftermath everything in your life is a reminder of some failure at some point in your life. A classmate’s promotion or friend’s new baby reminds you of how you failed to make the high school football team, which reminds you of a bad assessment at your last job, which in turn reminds you of something you messed up on your first job which reminds you of how a girl you settled for dumped you by letting you catch her cheating. Basically it’s an involuntary brain dump of why you are worthless.

A shame diary let’s you draw these things out of your subconscious and into your conscious mind by essentially allowing you to “keep score.” By knowing when the score becomes more lopsided you can predict and mitigate breakdowns. By knowing how little small triumphs actually go to even things out you avoid the trap of thinking the score is settled or that you are “cured” or “fixed.”

We have the AIDS of debt. There is no cure, no bankruptcy. We don’t live through it. We live with it.

Here is again Mr. Tom Wick, Esquire!

Hello again. Before I begin some of the more substantial posts I wanted to give a little more background on my journey as a writer.  The first memory I have of wanting to be a writer was when I was 15.  I am 31 now.  I dabbled in creative writing but of course school came first.  Same story in college, and of course school was even MORE important then because I has borrowed the GDP of a small country in order to go.

During my second year of law school I had an epiphany: I wasn’t learning anything. No, not like in college where I wasn’t learning anything USEFUL I wasn’t learning anything AT ALL. So, during lectures I would work on my first novel.

I was such a smug little bastard.  I thought I was in on some huge secret.  I would half listen while I half wrote and crowd around my monitor lest someone see my masterpiece before I was ready.  What I SHOULD HAVE done was do the reading on my own, not attended class, and instead spent my time in the library when I could have devoted my FULL attention to writing.  That’s also a format I am going to try and stick to, tell you guys what I did, and what it now looks like I should have done even though I have yet to reap any kind of success.

A lot of successful writers tell you how down and out they were when they started writing, then they worked hard, hit it big, and now they are living the good life.  I tend to think those are outliers.  I also think successful writers lie about how they became successful- it’s just another opportunity to tell a story for them.

In any event my story begins much different but hopefully ends the same.  Even when I first started even THINKING about writing I was already attending one of the best high schools in the nation, and by the time I had taken Serious steps toward writing a manuscript I was on my way to an ivy league law degree and could expect to make a six figure salary for the foreseeable future. I wrote in my spare time, even when I lost my job (my full time job at that point became finding another) have received a ton of rejections and now I am probably lower than I’ve ever been. But I still want to be a writer. I am still chugging along.

Well it’s June 14.  It’ll be the 4th of July before we know it.  Time for that promised Summer series SO without further ado I present Mr. Thomas Wick!

So Benito said I needed an image/signature so I went with the most cliche one I could find.  Perhaps the problem with my writing, see I am an unpublished author, have been since 2007.  My goal with this series is to let aspiring authors know what it’s like out here, not from the vantage point you normall hear from, the small minority of successful writers, but from guys like me.

I probably have alot in common with a lot of you.  I am up to my eyeballs in student debt, I have a stack of academic credentials I’ve never used, and I am constantly unemployed or underemployed.  Between that and being a failed writer I get DOUBLE the rejections.  My self-esteem is at an all-time high.  Please read for my initial writing experiences and a few tips…not that I am really in the position to give any.  This first entry is going to be a sort of overview/summary of what I’ve done and where I am.

So, I have always wanted to be a writer and severe bouts of unemployment gave me the opportunity to try.  My first two manuscripts I just sort of dove right in.  When I was finished I went to the bookstore and read Idiot’s Guide to Getting Published and learned about writing a book proposal, query letters, and how to market one’s work.  I sent out tons of letters and got tons of rejections.  A few wanted to see my work.  I never heard from them again.

It wasn’t until my third attempt at writing a book that it occurred to me that the writing itself might need work.  Sure, arrogance was a big part of that, but let’s not forget what passes for literature in our society, or am I the only one who has read Twilight? Also, I am a hater, you should know that up front.  I read a book called How Not to Write a Novel and it took my skills to the next level.  I then discarded my second novel and immediately began my third novel.

I queried the third novel and got a much larger response.  This was my hopeful phase.  I was SO SURE I was going to be the next big writer.  After all, with so many agents wanting to take a look, one was BOUND to represent me, and then it was only a matter of time.  Then weeks passed…then months.  I followed up and was promised a response in ” a few weeks.”  Finally I got impatient and tried to impose my own deadlines on Agents who didn’t even waste their time telling me to go to hell.  I was extremely depressed.  I compared myself to every great writer I could think of and pitied the world for it would never be graced with my message.  The depression was worsened by a six-month stint where I was represented by a self-publisher/scam artist masquerading as a real agency.

Finally, I picked myself up, dusted myself off, and took a real writing class.  Then I started my fourth book, called Student Debt, found Benito’s blog while doing research and here I am writing my first post for it, quite possibly the only thing I will ever write that someone I don’t know personally will read.  This is actually a really big deal for me so be nice in the comments…though Benito already warned me that commentary is sparse.

Thanks Benito!  Here’s to 1 Million hits on Debtor’s Prison and Student Debt becoming a best seller! Ok, that was lame but I had to write it.