The year too. And I have to tell you, morale is at an all time low. Except for me. I am having a good time, a much better time than I had in college, and it certainly beats my mother’s couch. I spend money like the Federal Government – I just raise my debt ceiling. The only real decisions I have to make is 1) whether to transfer to a better law school and 2) should I stop sleeping with classmates and undergrads and learn how to approach real women. Mike Triforce is in favor of both.

First let’s talk transfer. I got a lousy LSAT score and it took me seven years to graduate from college which I eventually did with a very mediocre GPA. Listening to Triforce I am officially 3rd in my class, and if a certain someone should lose her battle with bulemia and another drops out due to (my) alleged honor code violations I could be first. But I didn’t stay in college 7 years because I embrace change.

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I was furious when I read the headline about the woman who was dismissed from her job at a law firm days after suffering a miscarriage.

http://abovethelaw.com/2008/05/breaking-a-dramatic-farewell-emailand-proof-of-paul-hastings-layoffs-/

Needing to vent I turned to the first woman I saw in the office despite somewhere in the back of my mind knowing she was one of those bible thumping conservatives. No joke, the conversation went something like:

“Can you BELIEVE what happened to this poor woman?!”

“She should have stayed in the damn kitchen.”

“Pardon?”

“She should have been at home. If there weren’t so many women in the workplace, particularly lawyers, then perhaps my nephew could find a job or get into law school.”

“What if she had just decided to get an abortion huh? I bet you’d support more work life balance then.”

“Then she would have burned in hell. She probably will anyway. Her act of working was an abortive act in the eyes of the Lord. Better the child suffer in purgatory than be raised in a damned household.”

The woman crossed herself and went into the ladies room. I considered following her, grabbing her by the hair, and slamming her head into the latrine until I felt better. Instead I called Alpha Man and asked him why there were so many more turncoat women than turncoat blacks. Do we have to be constantly arrested and fucked up by the cops to remind us where we still stand in society?
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Not much is up. Mike Triforce and I called a truce and he told me how to cheat law review, so I’ll probably end up doing it. Most of us 1Ls at TTTs are dead inside. I was trying to pick up this one girl, a nickel and change, and my game was good but she wasn’t feeling it. She was literally too depressed to drink and fuck. I ended up stealing her phone and when I went to her place to return it (I banged out her roommate awhile back) we ended up hooking up on the couch during A Bridget Jones marathon on TBS. I carried her to bed and in the morning I made her Nyquil waffles (again Triforce) and then banged her out again. I unplugged/turned off her clock, phone and computer and told her roommate she did not want to be disturbed and lied about sleeping with her despite the fact that it had been obvious. I’ll call her tomorrow.

Anyway so I get home and for some reason calculate my loans to date: $277,451. Wow. 300k is on the horizon. It would have been worth it if I had been tagging ass like I am now for the past 8 years. Everytime I have a night like last night I think about what a waste 7 years was at a state school not getting any. Oh well.
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This is for my peeps who are pimps first and professionals second – the type of slick mothers who can hop on a plane to a country where they can’t speak the language with only the clothes on their back and spend three months with the type of women suicide bombers dream about.

This is also in response to Sweet Hot Justice who wrote a piece “Biglaw Bros: Why Slam Pieces DON’T Want You.” The article can be found here

http://www.sweethotjustice.com/2011/03/01/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-dont-want-you/

and reposted on ATL here

http://abovethelaw.com/2011/03/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-don%E2%80%99t-want-you/

Basically SHJ says that dimes aren’t interested because at the end of the day even the most successful lawyer doesn’t make shit compared to a finance guy and law just ain’t sexy.  And you know what? She’s right.  But dimes want you anyway.  Why? Let me explain.

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I am not the biggest fan of kids.  I did my rotation through pediatrics and was told I’d be a good pediatrician because I didn’t let emotions get in the way of medicine, and because children are more comfortable with a female doctor.  Pass.  One of the things I did notice though was that there were alot of fat kids.  Half of the kids were in my humble opinion fat enough to be the “fat” kid in their respective class, the one with no friends that everyone poked fun at.  My thought is that an anti-obesity campaign is so benign as to be almost useless.  Michelle Obama is a beautiful, empowered, intelligent woman who could raise awareness about any number of issues.  Then I heard about Rush Limbaugh, a morbidly obese, fat drug addict, attacking the first lady over her anti-obesity campaign.  This indicates the type of bald-faced hatred that still permeates a great deal of the 48% of the country that did not vote for Obama.

I do not know exactly why I found Limbaugh’s commentary to be so much more offensive than Sarah Palin’s similar comments.  Palin constantly goes out of her way to take shots at the first lady, going as far as to dedicate a plate of smores to her in the defiant act of eating dessert.  Sadly, I suspect the reason for this is that Sarah Palin, who is losing her battle with age, is still in far better shape than Rush Limbaugh.  The hypocrisy of a man who can lose well over 50 lbs and not look any different criticizing someone for combating childhood obesity cuts through my political apathy and strikes me as absurd.  It also demonstrates that I was wrong about two things.  First, that the first lady should have taken on something more concrete, and two, that childhood obesity isn’t such a big deal.

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So I am on call and it’s Christmas Eve. So far it’s been pretty standard. Alot of drunk driving fatalities, alot of long suffering cancer patients going home and alot of sick children. I wasn’t even going to bitch but for two things 1) I am covering for someone who doesn’t even celebrate Christmas and 2) I just got a text from Mike Triforce reading “I’m working. R U?”

First, that bastard is working by choice. Every year he goes into the office on Christmas Eve and stays until late on Christmas day to get face time with the movers and shakers in the firm and to make up for 11.5 months of not doing shit. He then makes his family wait (he insists they not but he knows they will anyway) for three hours before eating Christmas dinner, until he arrives, looking extra frazzled and of course bearing extremely extravagant gifts. It also allows him to avoid bringing the Princess to his parent’s house because even he has the decency not to bring that filthy tramp into his parent’s home on one of the holiest days of the year.
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Now I know how Alpha Man feels about Clarence Thomas thanks to Sarah Palin. I don’t just mean a political figure the same sex and race as I am who is in favor of systematically destroying the infrastructure set-up to combat the discrimination against people like me that’s reinforced by hundreds of years of injustice. I was always of the opinion that anyone possessing normal human empathy could understand that. I am talking about something more specific.

When one discovers their education is either useless or to some degree a hindrance you try and find other reasons it was worth it. Alpha Man has been known to remark “at least I made alot of white people mad.” Touche Alpha Man. Similarly I got satisfaction out of proving guys who thought a woman’s place was the kitchen wrong.  In fact the hardest part of my law school hiatus was taking a paralegal job working for predominantly men who would assume I couldn’t hack law school which ironically made me more attractive to them. Some of my single friends who stuck it out actually envied me. But screw that. I only need to meet one acceptable guy whose not intimidated by me to have a relationship. The rest can cower in fear and I take satisfaction in that. It’s almost worth the 28 cents less per dollar I will make in my lifetime.

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Simon is perfect. That’s not good enough. My student loans are manageable. That’s not good enough either. Sadly good enough can only be used to describe the work of my incompetent interns who I routinely flog verbally until I see their little spirits die behind their eyes.

Simon has to walk a fine line. He needs to have money, but not TOO much money lest I develop a lifestyle dependent on him. He needs to be forceful and strong like a man but I always have to have my way. He has to be able to fix things but can’t have that “blue collar” essence otherwise he is beneath me. His racial/ethnic background can’t be just like mine otherwise every black woman I know will get on me about snatching him up, but he also can’t be good old boy white because the chances of that being a turn-on are close to nil. Eastern European works. And of course he has to be model hot. I want big muscles and eight pack definition just like a man wants large breasts and a small waist. I feel the same way about my debt.

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At the risk of offending Alpha Man I have decided to take issue with a recent article written by the illustrious Elie Mystal of Above the Law.

http://abovethelaw.com/2010/10/bullying-shouldnt-be-a-crime-no-matter-how-many-people-kill-themselves-because-of-it/

As a blogger myself I recognize an article titled simply to get hits and draw commentary.  Normally I think touche and go on about my business.  This article pulled me in with it’s Karate Kid analogy.  I happen to have an encylopedic knowledge of that movie.  Now if one recalls, the Karate Kid is about a kid named Daniel who moves across the country from NJ to LA.  There he accidentally offends a group of Martial Arts students after hitting on one of their ex-girlfriends.  After several run-ins four or five of them chase Daniel through a field and beat him until he is unable to stand.  The bullies argue briefly about whether to leave him or keep going, and they decide collectively to continue.  But for the intervention of Mr. Miyagi while Johnny was in-flight, Daniel almost certainly would have died from the next strike.

It has nothing to do with being fragile, Elie.  A beaten and broken human-being cannot survive a flying sidekick to the sternum.  Let’s break this down a little further…

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Sigh. I am in line at Costco. Who can tell me three things wrong with that? 1) The Princess should be doing this kind of crap. 2) I shouldn’t have to use condoms with my live-in girlfriend of going on three years to not catch the latest strand of Herpes from a mediocre frat and 3) I shouldn’t have to be at Costco at all. Costco is expensive as hell and the Princess has a very expensive BREAKFAST and LUNCH meal plan only. I didn’t even know that was an option. Not wanting to go hungry, I occasionally make it to campus only to be greeted by asanine questions from her idiot friends “don’t you have a job? Shouldn’t you be at work? Aren’t you like 30?” I was so angry I almost didn’t get a third helping of eggs. I do have my pride though. I am not Benito. I refuse to bring Tupperware.

Oh but get THIS – the Princess isn’t even 100% daddy-funding this. The trifling, shiftless, spaghetti-legged trollup actually took out loans. She’s taking out loans to fuck fratboys while owing me 15 grand.

What does debt for a partner mean in a longterm relationship where you don’t plan to marry that person? Read on to find out.

I mean first there’s the obvious. In a relationship like mine where it’s understood that when you get a better offer you’re gone, if someone else starts borrowing tons of cash to be around good looking people in great shape you expand your search to include not just better offers but comparable ones. Also the cashflow in the household comes to a standstill. The student partner is naturally strapped for cash and the other partner doesn’t want to pay for joint goods like groceries , rent etc. because they know the chance of being paid back is virtually nil.

There are also new turns on the emotional roller coaster. Specifically there are two possibilities: most likely the student partner, racked by guilt and stress fails in every respect and comes crawling back more willing to take the abuse they most likely deserve until the non-student partner leaves for greener more successful pastures.

Now there is the outside chance that the student partner becomes very successful and earns a previously non-existent respect from the non-student partner. The student partner then is put in the tough situation of choosing to stay with their partner who supported them when they were garbage or move on to the untested fellow student-weighing the fact that the sex isn’t stale on one hand to the fact that the student has never been in the real world.

Sigh. But joke’s on the Princess. She will be walking to CVS for the morning after pill from now on. I’ve already got the Herpes cream. Also I am spending the last of the abortion fund here at Costco. In my book for a kid to really be mine and hence obligate me to kill it or raise it is more than just blood and DNA, it’s also a level of exclusivity, otherwise I am just a sucker who got unlucky.

Good luck on your midterms honey!