I love being a lawyer. I don’t work and get paid while many of my classmates who worked hard are out in the street. Everything is better when someone who once considered themselves your equal can’t afford it. However for the past couple of months I have been rolling with some finance kids from NY and cash has become a bit stretched keeping up with them. The downside of their jobs of course is they have to actually work. Sure, I could be a millionaire in a few years but I’d rather just take the steady paycheck that is based on a fictional abstraction than a sporadic one based on results. Also it seems like every firm in Philly and Jersey willing to meet the NY market is dragging their feet with hiring.

Which brings me to the subject of the Princess. I know many of you doubt the wisdom of keeping her around but look at it this way: Now that the till is a bit empty instead of continuing to roll with the finance kids and their model-hot Swedish entourage I can fake an emergency at work and get some free (though somewhat bland and routine) sex at home. Further, I can put some pressure on her to drum up some cash.  Now usually I would say that that is synonymous with asking her daddy. I let her run-up a 15k tab knowing she could never pay me back, charging some healthy interest in the hopes of getting a daddy check, or in leiu of that unofficially taking over one of his rental properties aka nicer place and no rent. Did I mention I haven’t paid my student loans in several months to finance these NY trips? Anyone who hasn’t deduced that has never been with a swede. Tiger is a damn fool. The only woman he should have cheated with was his wife’s twin sister.

But here is where I give the Princess her do. I think…I think she actually found a job! A real job where she’s on a payroll and pays taxes like an adult! Here are the clues- she’s gone during the day and when she is around she seems tired but not the lazy I’ve been up three hours already tired but the I have done something productive today tired. She also comes back looking borderline respectable/high class slutty.

Granted their isn’t much she is fit to do but one thing she could do is sell real-estate particularly to single male investors. Successful real-estate agents can make a mint. I’m almost proud of her.

Now before all of you go calling me a dick or a chauvinist let me say I will not be spending her first commission check wining and dining a six foot Swedish model before becoming intimately familiar with the details of her anatomy. I will use her money to pay our rent and my back loans…thereby freeing up my own money to go Ikea shopping.

So there have been alot of things to get used to working at my new job.  Just about everyone goes on vacation between the 4th of July and Labor Day.  Just about everyone works between 8 and 6.  Many people are content with their current jobs and plan to work there until they retire.  They see their children and significant others.  If you refer to someone as the “nice” guy that’s usually not enough to identify them.  If you refer to someone as an “asshole” usually that is enough to identify them.  But there was always something more…and unfortunately for nurses that “something more” was the fact that my new profession wasn’t subservient to another.

I know being a paralegal and a nurse have many differences, but at the end of the day they are subservients to lawyers and doctors respectively, and it doesn’t matter if the former has been on the job 40 years and the latter is on their first day…JD equals “Just Do what I say” and MD equals ”My Decision.” 

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I hate pre-season football.  It’s kind of like masterbating in my book. If you hear it from the other room it sounds like the real deal but at the end you don’t feel like a winner and you haven’t conquered anyone.  In my disgust I decided to see what Benito and company have produced recently.  Predictably it was a sea of crap, and really I could comment on anything written in the month of August but for the sake of time let’s focus on this “Tales of an Unpublished Author” series.  Typical Benito, he finds a loser similar to himself who writes about why he has accomplished nothing in life.  Soon he will have kids writing who got rejected from every school they applied to giving advice about how to get into Yale Law or Harvard Med.  So that’s why I hate this blog. 

And here’s why I love America.  May I present Ms. Kathryn Stockett whose novel “The Help” has been a best-seller for over a year now.  Ms. Stockett is a lilly-white 41 year-old who, from the looks of her, is no stranger to cosmetic surgery (the work is very tasteful).  She comes from old money and her book is a condescending tale chronicalling the generations of black servants employed by her family told form the perspective of one of the servants.  I promise this is not a joke and I can’t believe neither Alpha Man nor Simons Girlfriend has written about this.

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Law Firms are not complex organizations. Lawyers come in essentially two flavors: associate and partner. Associates, office space and furniture, cases, clients and profits (in reverse order of importance) belong to partners and the more you have of each the more important you are. Everyone else, secretaries, paralegals, tech guys and contractors are chattel, somewhere between a chair and a mule, with of counsels being an anomoly (think talking Donkey). Other offices are more complicated.

I think the biggest difference between a law firm and a regular office is the frequency of disputes with no clear winner. Even first year associates have different leverage walking in on day one and if a dispute occurs (usually over a hook-up that shouldn’t have happened) prior connections or the female associate’s willingness to sleep around quickly determine who has the upperhand.

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The following prose is inspired by interviews with and commentary from Mike Triforce and is posted with his infered blessing and endorsement.  This in no way reflects my own thoughts and feelings. Thanks for your support during my rough patch asshole.

I make my own sandwhich
It happens – like laundry or other minutaie
But as I search for pickles the magnitude of it hits me
What wonders will the world never see
 - or see hundreds of years later
 - because Einstein on some random day
 - had to make his own sandwhich

So yes Princess it could be the end of the world
I could be writing a song
Or rehearsing a part
Or trying to figure out exactly how much I can charge this chump client before he starts raising red flags

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So Benito every now and again adds another blog to the blog roll and one of them is called “Sweet Hot Justice.”  I decided to peruse the blog and what I found was…well I don’t know how to describe it.  It read like a bunch of excerpts from Lisa Scottoline novels, only more risque because it doesn’t have to appeal to the 55+ crowd that constitute 90% of Scottoline’s fans.

This post is NOT another rant about Lisa Scottoline, and it’s also not a call to arms for female attorneys.  I’m not even sure what this is.  So I suppose read on and we’ll find out together.

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