I am like a Gazelle crossing the river who has just been told there are more crocodiles in the river than ever before.  I run full speed towards the water because I know there is alot of green (and females) on the other side.  But when I get to the banks I take a hard turn and wait for the others to dive in so I can see the crocodiles snap so I know where they are.  I don’t slow down when those on my left and right fall – I know there is blood in the water.  When I make it to the other side I rejoice in the fallen because there is more grass (and females) for me.

Bet you thought this was an Icarus 30 post didn’t you?  Ha! No it’s your man KF Li.  Here are more tips from the titan of timesheets, the founding father of fraud, the liar’s liar…Mr. Michael Triforce, on how to get that check and avoid the ax at a law firm including why you should never rationalize your actions, how to play mind games with your fellow associates, how to keep your office and your person so you look like you’re billing what you say you’re billing.

#4  Never Rationalize.  Who gets caught, the cold-blooded killer who kills for money and power, or the man who kills in the heat of passion? Obviously the latter.  Look, nobody ever gets caught caught falsifying hours, but partners do look at them and they cut hours when they feel the client won’t pay and sometimes to keep a rising star from shining too bright.  “Honest” lawyers fudge hours too, but they have thought processes like “well, I spent eight hours here, but I can only bill two, so let me spread these six hours out elsewhere on these other matters” or “well, I am working on the weekend, so I am going to bill for my commute to and from work, PLUS an extra two hours because I am missing the birth of my first child” and so on and so forth.  Idiots.  When you’re faking your hours you should only ask yourself ONE question…can the file bare the weight of the hours?  That’s it.  See, other lawyers are trying to arrive at some kind of “fair” result.  Well, are you a mediator or are you a litigator?  A litigator says to hell with what’s fair, I want all I can get because this is a zero sum game and what I don’t take will be taken from me to the tune of ten to one.

#5 Always do all of your hours all at once, at the end of the month.  The idiots you work with create ABSURD timesheet records by making dozens of little rationalizations a day which by the end of the month number in the thousands.  It is then the partner’s job to take the pile of shit you just gave him, consider the file, and shave what you’ve billed into some kind of semblence of sense that hopefully the client won’t look at too closely because all you’ve done on the file is scratch your ass and chase your tail, while meanwhile the senior associate is banging his secretary and the partner is trying to figure out who his wife is banging because he’s never home.  Instead, you need to write that story yourself by doing all your hours at once WITH YOUR RECORDS FROM THE PAST SIX MONTHS so the trends add up and everything makes sense.  Triforce thinks its funny that Law Professors get a bad rap for never reading student exams and grading things randomly because the truth of the matter is next to a partner at a law firm a law professor is downright accountable.  If you do your partner’s job for him in this respect like you do in every other, he’ll green light your hours every single time.  Also lie to your fellow associates, but lie with purpose. 

#6 Look like shit.  Chances are if you work in Biglaw you already do, but I mean REALLY let yourself go.  Take Mike Triforce.  He shaves once a week if that.  He has a disgusting brown shaggy mane of hair that makes him look like, well…Shaggy from Scooby Doo.  His clothes never match and all his pants are too tight.  I asked him if perhaps he’d been a little lax with his ab routine but he told me it was all for effect.  I wish I could post a picture but again our secret identities…but we’re talking male camel toe, shirt with two buttons open and no undershirt so the carpet of chest hair is visible, AND I promise I am not making this up…a head band, like Lebron or Rondo would wear.  It keeps the hair out of his eyes when reviewing documents while simultaneously indicating he doesn’t have time for a haircut.

So I was watching Enter the Dragon while enjoying a glass of Chardonnay thinking about how to articulate my position to the brick-headed philistines among you. Then I had it. I am what you would call a “Gentleman Debtor” just like the hero of Enter the Dragon – Mr. Roper.

I have no idea what accounts for the popularity of his ethnic sidekicks. One died in the movie, one died in real life…maybe it’s a sympathy thing. All I know is Roper beats the meanest ugliest dude on the island, Bolo, and he is the most unscathed at the end.

Roper has debt. He owes 75k (in 1973 dollars) and has less than $70 in the bank. He still spends his time on the golf course and has a remarkably hot assistant. When goons ask him to pay he whips there butts!

Also look at the way Roper is treated. Unlike the Asian guy and black guy who are captured and interrogated Mr. Roper is treated with the utmost respect. He is offered a job and a way out of debt.

Does Roper take the job? Heck no! Why? Because the job while nice wasn’t perfect. Roper didn’t like the implied threat of death if he failed or double crossed the boss. Now remember he killed the black guy for much less and he knew none of the details of the entire operation. But does he kill Roper? No! He merely makes him fight his sidekick. Again Roper refuses. Does he die? No, he simply fights someone else. And wins. The movie ends rather abruptly but it is heavily implied that Roper is made into a hero and his debts absolved and then some.

Now of course that was just a movie. In real life no goons are going to show up and demand I pay my student debt. No white guy is going to beat an Asian guy in Kung Fu. I would bitchsmack Triforce back to Britain, perfect abs aside. The moral though holds true – a different set of rules apply to Gentlemen, not because of what we’ve done but because who we are.
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