I just got another text from the African Goddess I met when I ditched a suicidal Icarus at Irish Pub the other day.  Apparently she found this blog, recognized Icarus’ post and figured out who I was…and yes she read the article where I repeated racist propoganda at my firm to ingraciate myself with the partners who hold those views because I deemed them to hold more power than the younger progressive ones…with smaller books of business.  So sad.  She really was beautiful, the kind of beauty where just talking to her (and fortunately that’s all that happened) was more than enough.  But before I start sounding too much like Icarus, I promised you another post about why Professional Responsibility is a joke.

I’ll be honest, once I started talking to this girl I forgot where I was going with the previous post.  I promised an Icarus update and despite his lack of recent posts I can guarantee he’s still breathing.  SO that said I may as well tell you what a Professional Responsibility class is like at an Ivy-League law school.

First, a disclaimer.  I didn’t go.  I didn’t go for the same reason I didn’t go to most classes.  First, I didn’t care.  Second, I did worse on exams when I was confused by the stupid shit Law Professors say when they open their mouths in front of people with no power over them.  So this is second hand.

The classes are usually taught by local practitioners.  If you’re a respectable law school than it’s a big name partner at a big name firm.  The first day this partner will simply brag about the pro-bono work he’s done.  Do not be fooled.  That simply means that those with the bulk of the shares no longer trust this individual with work that gets them paid.  The second day their will be stupid hypotheticals usually involving Nazis or the KKK.  The do-gooders (if there are any left at this point) will raise their hands and the partner will non-chalantly mock their most sacred beliefs and if they’re GOOD will trip them up such that they cannot articulate in legal terms what they know in their heart to be true.  That’s the first crack that lets in this new and frankly perverted way of thinking.

The next two weeks involve taking situations where common decency directly conflicts with what one’s “professional responsibility” is and the rest is spent more or less on how to fill out timesheets.  My personal favorite though is the rule out about ratting someone out.  So if a lawyer knows another lawyer has violated the code he is REQUIRED to rat on this individual and it cannot be anonymous.  Now let’s think about that.  Are lawyers, unlike the general populace REQUIRED (as in failure to do so results in the loss of freedom or property) to report ACTUAL VIOLATIONS OF LAW? No.  What about crimes committed by other lawyers that are not violations of the code? No.  IN FACT, you more likely than not would be required to keep that SECRET.  See what I just did? 

If you follow professional responsibility to the letter, you are required to put these trade guidelines above, well, the law.  And what do most of these trade guidelines have to do with? Timesheets.  Billing.  Money.  How does something become AGAINST the rules of professional responsibility?  It’s simply a behavior pattern that endangers the business of practicing law as a whole.  Fraud undermines trust in lawyers.  That is bad for business.  That’s a violation.  More specifically, fraudulently reporting your time causes businesses to more closely audit lawyers.  That is REALLY bad for business. That’s a MAJOR violation. 

You see my point.  Last thing I’ll say.  Every lawyer routinely violates this code the same way every normal driver routinely violates traffic law.  Imagine if you could lose your job and the right to work in your sector for a traffic ticket? Do think that’s something that’s fairly enforced? Do you think that’s even possible…or do you think a den full of lawyers makes these decisions based on politics?  Hmmm, let me think about that…what’s the background of most career politicians?

I’ve got another great story about the time I cheated on a law exam…but first let’s see if my pale as hell girlfriend (whose blue veins and tiny breasts are now particularly noticeable) knows about the African Goddess.

*clap* *clap* *clap*

You really have to give it up for KF Li. I mean he’s not even in law school yet and he’s doling out billing advice oh yeah, and calling me a bitch, saying I am scared of Benito just because my last what, two posts have a slightly different flavor? Hard to believe it was just a few months ago when I relegated him to wearing a dunce cap for botching a post so badly.

Here’s the best part: KF Li has unwittingly given me 1) the credit for the tips and 2) a way to deny culpability should my own identity ever be uncovered. He also fell for the oldest trick in the book pulled by high powered attorneys: buy a law student drinks for a week, and he will buy you drinks for a year.

Read on to hear why else KF Li is already too big for his damn britches…

The Market has changed folks. While I will be the first to admit there is a timeless quality to any utterance I make the tricks of the trade from two years ago ain’t gonna get you paid. You need to know not what I DID but what I am DOING.

Now obviously I am not going to tell you exactly what I’ve done recently but I can tell you this – things that will get you permanently disbarred might not necessarily land you jail time and vice versa. This one scam I pulled would do both and no I am not talking about the drunken hit and run.  Shit I did fucked with the bank accounts of a very powerful industry, the one that recently defeated something called “the public option.” So back up and recognize. Disrespect me at your own peril.

And that goes DOUBLE for you lucky sons of bitches who’ve managed to not get fired playing the game straight-up. You’ve paid down your loans, bought a used car, and maybe even an overpriced house in the city that you can barely walk around in…oh I know you think you’re better than me. Think you’re getting married? You’re not? Think you’re safe at your job now that the worst of the recession is over? You’re not.

There once was a blind man who successfully crossed a busy highway 100 times. The 101st time he was struck, killed. And went to hell. During his eternal torment the devil asked him why his dumb blind ass tried to cross that busy highway and the old man said “I crossed one hundred times before” to which the Devil replied “and how did that affect the probability that you would make it across the last time?” the blind man’s answers were drowned out with screaming.

All you’ve done is flip a coin and gotten heads ten times. Remember me when it comes up tails.

I am like a Gazelle crossing the river who has just been told there are more crocodiles in the river than ever before.  I run full speed towards the water because I know there is alot of green (and females) on the other side.  But when I get to the banks I take a hard turn and wait for the others to dive in so I can see the crocodiles snap so I know where they are.  I don’t slow down when those on my left and right fall – I know there is blood in the water.  When I make it to the other side I rejoice in the fallen because there is more grass (and females) for me.

Bet you thought this was an Icarus 30 post didn’t you?  Ha! No it’s your man KF Li.  Here are more tips from the titan of timesheets, the founding father of fraud, the liar’s liar…Mr. Michael Triforce, on how to get that check and avoid the ax at a law firm including why you should never rationalize your actions, how to play mind games with your fellow associates, how to keep your office and your person so you look like you’re billing what you say you’re billing.

#4  Never Rationalize.  Who gets caught, the cold-blooded killer who kills for money and power, or the man who kills in the heat of passion? Obviously the latter.  Look, nobody ever gets caught caught falsifying hours, but partners do look at them and they cut hours when they feel the client won’t pay and sometimes to keep a rising star from shining too bright.  “Honest” lawyers fudge hours too, but they have thought processes like “well, I spent eight hours here, but I can only bill two, so let me spread these six hours out elsewhere on these other matters” or “well, I am working on the weekend, so I am going to bill for my commute to and from work, PLUS an extra two hours because I am missing the birth of my first child” and so on and so forth.  Idiots.  When you’re faking your hours you should only ask yourself ONE question…can the file bare the weight of the hours?  That’s it.  See, other lawyers are trying to arrive at some kind of “fair” result.  Well, are you a mediator or are you a litigator?  A litigator says to hell with what’s fair, I want all I can get because this is a zero sum game and what I don’t take will be taken from me to the tune of ten to one.

#5 Always do all of your hours all at once, at the end of the month.  The idiots you work with create ABSURD timesheet records by making dozens of little rationalizations a day which by the end of the month number in the thousands.  It is then the partner’s job to take the pile of shit you just gave him, consider the file, and shave what you’ve billed into some kind of semblence of sense that hopefully the client won’t look at too closely because all you’ve done on the file is scratch your ass and chase your tail, while meanwhile the senior associate is banging his secretary and the partner is trying to figure out who his wife is banging because he’s never home.  Instead, you need to write that story yourself by doing all your hours at once WITH YOUR RECORDS FROM THE PAST SIX MONTHS so the trends add up and everything makes sense.  Triforce thinks its funny that Law Professors get a bad rap for never reading student exams and grading things randomly because the truth of the matter is next to a partner at a law firm a law professor is downright accountable.  If you do your partner’s job for him in this respect like you do in every other, he’ll green light your hours every single time.  Also lie to your fellow associates, but lie with purpose. 

#6 Look like shit.  Chances are if you work in Biglaw you already do, but I mean REALLY let yourself go.  Take Mike Triforce.  He shaves once a week if that.  He has a disgusting brown shaggy mane of hair that makes him look like, well…Shaggy from Scooby Doo.  His clothes never match and all his pants are too tight.  I asked him if perhaps he’d been a little lax with his ab routine but he told me it was all for effect.  I wish I could post a picture but again our secret identities…but we’re talking male camel toe, shirt with two buttons open and no undershirt so the carpet of chest hair is visible, AND I promise I am not making this up…a head band, like Lebron or Rondo would wear.  It keeps the hair out of his eyes when reviewing documents while simultaneously indicating he doesn’t have time for a haircut.

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I know what being a partner is like.  I gave KF the relatively simple task of covering a post slot and he botches it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the hero of Enter the Dragon. For his transgression he must now where a dunce cap whenever blogging.  I apologize to all of Bruce Lee’s millions of fans around the world.

This also provides me an interesting opportunity to illustrate the difference between “hard work” for a winner (me and Bruce Lee) and hard work for a loser (you). Winners work hard when it matters.

Side note: Check out this loser response to a bad review http://abovethelaw.com/2010/02/in-house_counseling_dont_fall.php#more

Bruce Lee and I have alot in common. To illustrate my point take my perfect abs. I do sit-ups everyday? Why? Because my body notices each sit-up. My body is never having lunch, out of the office, on another floor etc., when I am doing sit-ups.

Now let’s take work. Does my boss notice everything I do? Does the client? I work at a major law firm in Philadelphia. I bill well into the bonus pool. But if I am in the office before 11 AM there is breakfast and if I am there after 3:30 I am getting ready for softball. I take long lunch breaks too, sometimes I go home and nap.  And you know what? The partners use extra lip balm before they kiss my ass.  Some people ask about the sound of one hand clapping, I ask which is more impossible, my losing my job or my getting fat? I’m just saying I could publish confidential information in the New York times and I could eat a wedding cake all by myself and this guy is still working AND looking good.

 As for the billables…figure it out. But before you judge me consider this: does it hurt the firm? No. In fact they profit greatly from this. Does it hurt the client? No. If the work product wasn’t worth what we were asking they would go elsewhere. Plus I am confident 30 minutes of actual work on my part is the rough equivalent of four hours of a reasonably competent colleague. My reviews would indicate the same. This also allows me to be well rested in the case of an actual work emergency that actually requires a rockstar like me.

Now some wet blanket always brings up professional responsibility. Well riddle me this…is it my professional responsibility to get laid off? I think not. Lots of lawyers who fulfilled their “professional responsibility” are in the breadline right now. I prefer the partner track. Again read my review.

Sorry for the digression. ANYway losers view hard work like exercise and believe in it like it’s a religion. If I show up early and do my best everyday eventually I will get ahead. Tortoise and the Hare. Hmmmm…yeah that never happens in real life. A Hare is a swift animal. A Tortoise can’t even die quickly,  I know because I hit one once (might have been a turtle THANK HEAVEN It wasn’t the BMW). But the loser response is to just work harder, expecting somehow different results.

You’re welcome in advance for another hard truth. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s near the end of the month and I have to start filling out my timesheets.