So Benito has been trying to recruit an underemployed blogger to join our motley crew, but is failing because obviously none of the candidates want to lose their job. But one of them did pass on a mandatory assignment a senior manager gave to his underlyings before the monthly meeting when they were to pay homage to his greatness. Read “A Letter to Garcia.” Here is the damn link

http://www.birdsnest.com/garcia.htm

I talked to the guy and he said he was hurt that his manager thought so little of them collectively that he would make them read what amounted a treatise on how they were so worthless as to be morally bankrupt human beings. Or at least that’s what he got out of it. You are probably wondering what this has to with Scalia. Getting to that.

My first reaction was this kid is a major loser if his managers have any ability to affect him emotionally. So I read the article…turns out it’s a turn of the (previous) century essay, penned on a lark, a 100 yr-old blog entry that could have been written by Rush Limbaugh. Then I got angry.

It’s hard to accurately summarize this piece of “work” and still capture the condescending arrogance that epitomizes the ruling class of every culture, country and time. Essentially it’s “the white man’s burden” but it’s employer v. Worker. To take this article literally a worker should be an omnipotent, mute slave. Essays could be written about each sentence and books about the handful of parables. I did not think it was possible to degrade a person in so many ways in such few words. I have always prided myself on keeping an emotional distance from employers even when I used to work for corporate America. But if a manager ever told me to read this I’d have spat in his face.

So enraged was I that I googled critiques of the article and guess what? It’s not a rallying cry to conservatism, it’s a commonly accepted piece of Americana adored by all! The idiot manager who assigned this may have just pulled a cliche out of the “Managing for Dummies” handbook!

How? How could the awful sentiment embodied in this hellspawn text be loved AND loved by most? At first I thought maybe I was wrong. Maybe I was messed up. Then I thought of Antonin Scalia.

Here you have an ugly small-minded creature who routinely accepts gifts from interested parties in the cases he hears, asks bullying and unsophisticated questions, writes at a fourth grade level and whose decisions are to the detriment of 94% of Americans. Yet ask a law student who their favorite Justice is? Scalia is by far the most popular. I hate people.

Part of it is somewhat understandable. Scalia’s misleading oversimplified questions and interruption are sometimes funny. The essay is kind of funny in a Mr. Burns sort of way. Also people don’t read. Case in point: Less than 1% of people who use the term “Uncle Tom” have read Uncle Tom’s cabin. The term and it’s meaning makes no sense to anyone who has actually read the book.

But the real reason most people find this abominable essay and the unsufferable Antonin Scalia is a perverted sort of hero worship and inflated sense of self worth.  It’s how Republicans win elections.  People don’t identify with their own situations, they identify with the situations they feel they will be in soon or someday.  The rich are given tax cuts by the wannabe rich.  Students worship asshole professors because they want to be perceived as part of the in crowd who managed to earn A’s.  Workers who are insulted by this essay love it because they are self-hating, because they want to be no not “Rowan” (the idiot who takes the damn message) but because they want to be the commander and chief who sends him.  All little kids want to be President.  The sidekick action figure never sells as well as the leader.  In this world a hero is just a martyr who survives or gets noticed dying.

The last epiphany I had was when I decided to create this blog, and it was nothing, I mean NOTHING compared to the earth-shaking revelation I experienced in a movie theater just a few short minutes ago.  As a man of few means, I normally catch movies right at the tail end when they are about to leave the theater (when hopefully tickets are reduced) and hence I saw the movie “Kickass.” And I was blown away.

First, all I can say is thank you.  I haven’t felt like that in a movie theater since before I can remember. 

What follows are just a few random statements that come to mind, kept short to prevent rambling.

-The movie is the best thought experiment addressing the plausibility of super heroes.

-The movie is funnier than Super Bad and Wedding Crashers combined.

-The movie has better choreography than the Transporter and Romeo Must Die.

-The movie is an unapologetic look at the Hero’s Journey.

-The movie is an expert on its audience.

-The movie uses effects better than the Matrix.

-The movie is more tragic than Romeo and Juliet.

-The movie is completely unpredictable from the first scene to the last.

-This movie integrates real comic book art better than Sin City, Kill Bill or anything put out by Marvel or DC.

-This movie can, should and could serve as an all encompassing text on the following: western philosophy, the comic book genre and the nature of man himself.

-This movie is a brilliant coming of age story.

-The movie is a perfect parody of itself, of superhero movies generally and cannot be parodied by any movie other than itself.

-This movie is the best reason to have movies.

-This movie is the ONLY reason to continue having movies since they are making a movie based on the comic strip “Marmaduke.”

Marmaduke.  Lord help us all.  Anyway, thank you for reading the first edition of “Thank You Note” not to be confused with other writers who occasionally thank a fellow blogger warrior like Elie Mystal or idiots who worship car brands (though I think in a rare moment of censorship I removed Triforce’s ode to BMW).  Running the blog has to have some perks.  I do the shticks we repeat.

Now to swipe my mom’s credit card out of her purse and order myself some Kickass merchandise.  I need a t-shirt that says “Show’s Over Motherfuckers.”

The last epiphany I had was when I decided to create this blog, and it was nothing, I mean NOTHING compared to the earth-shaking revelation I experienced in a movie theater just a few short minutes ago.  As a man of few means, I normally catch movies right at the tail end when they are about to leave the theater (when hopefully tickets are reduced) and hence I saw the movie “Kickass.” And I was blown away.

First, all I can say is thank you.  I haven’t felt like that in a movie theater since before I can remember. 

What follows are just a few random statements that come to mind, kept short to prevent rambling.  I could write a book about each of the following statements.

-The movie is the best thought experiment addressing the plausibility of super heroes.

-The movie is funnier than Super Bad and Wedding Crashers combined.

-The movie has better choreography than the Transporter and Romeo Must Die.

-The movie is an unapologetic look at the Hero’s Journey.

-The movie is an expert on its audience.

-The movie uses effects better than the Matrix.

-The movie is more tragic than Romeo and Juliet.

-The movie is completely unpredictable from the first scene to the last.

-This movie integrates real comic book art better than Sin City, Kill Bill or anything put out by Marvel or DC.

-This movie can, should and could serve as an all encompassing text on the following: western philosophy, the comic book genre and the nature of man himself.

-This movie is a brilliant coming of age story.

-The movie is a perfect parody of itself, of superhero movies generally and cannot be parodied by any movie other than itself.

-This movie is the best reason to have movies.

-This movie is the ONLY reason to continue having movies since they are making a movie based on the comic strip “Marmaduke.”

Marmaduke.  Lord help us all.  Anyway, thank you for reading the first edition of “Thank You Note” not to be confused with other writers who occasionally thank a fellow blogger warrior like Elie Mystal or idiots who worship car brands (though I think in a rare moment of censorship I removed Triforce’s ode to BMW).  Running the blog has to have some perks.  I do the shticks we repeat.

Now to swipe my mom’s credit card out of her purse and order myself some Kickass merchandise.  I need a t-shirt that says “Show’s Over Motherfuckers.”

So my assignment is to fill in for Mike Triforce so I thought what better way to do that than to talk with Mike Triforce and see what’s been going on since his sabbatical from the blog began.  I will get his take on a number of recent past posts and just generally shoot the shit.  So far he has the distinction of being the only person to congratulate me on and support my decision to go to law school.

I of course asked about the “holy trinity” that is Mike Triforce and that is of course acting, music and modeling.  Before I forget, please check your abs.  Apparently acting, music, modeling…it’s all about the core.  Triforce was however too modest and too pressed for time to recount his numerous successes in each of these endeavors.  Instead he decided to focus on his success at his day job and drop a hint that he is looking, wait, my mistake, he is entertaining offers from other firms.  Losers look for jobs as Triforce always says.  Winners wait for jobs to come to them.  Winners are recruited.  Any job you have to apply for is ultimately a handout.  The man only had one quarter and yours was the outstretched hand it fell in.

Read on to find out his take on some recent posts

Mike Triforce has better things to do than sit around and read stuff posted on this blog.  It’s all he can do to keep the Princess from finding out about the hordes of women who follow him due to one or multiple facets of the “holy trinity” as he somewhat blasphemously dubs it.  He made a one-time comment on something Alpha Man wrote which I later found out Benito had to heavily edit to remove “racial overtones.”  How could a response to a black guy ranting against the nostalgia over rich white men who love horses and whips have…oh wait I get it. 

Anyway, I filled him in on a couple of posts and he had the following to say –

Nobody in debtor’s prison can make new friends. Making friends requires confidence and/or money.

Simon’s Girlfriend is not a hipster (a little too much monogamy not quite enough sexy and then there is the whole minority thing).

Why survive a layoff? God invented pills, rope and guns for a reason.  Triforce just asks that 1) don’t take it out on the winners and go shooting up an office and 2) at least have the decency to dig your own grave.  Like making the bed when you stay at a friend’s house it’s just common courtesy. 

Student Debtors can learn plenty from AA, for instance what their future holds.  Triforce asks that his name be added to the list of people you’ve wronged due to your incessant whining.

Student Debtors can declare bankruptcy the minute someone drives up to his apartment with his old BMW freshly detailed with every cent he ever paid out in student loans in the trunk with interest and the 2007 model of the Princess sitting in the front seat.

In conclusion he would like to point out that Alpha Man is homeless, Benito wears a hat to cover up an atrocious balding pattern, Icarus 30 has sent in no less than 300 postcards to www.postsecret.blogspot.com and has never seen one featured.  Erin Samus uses a dating site and has responded to no less than three Mike Triforce fake personas.  Simon’s Girlfriend is on the fast track to becoming a primary care physician and having a starting salary slightly less than Mike Triforce did with less than half the schooling in terms of years and less than 1% in terms of knowledge transfer.

Once again Mike Triforce is entertaining lucrative legal offers and enjoying employment in good standing at his firm.

I could have gone to an ivy league school. I could have earned the grades and the test scores but to do so would have been to foresake my first love: music. Likewise I could have attained the slightly higher degree of technical profficiency to be competitive at a school for music but then I wouldn’t have had a very well rounded education. Finally I could have taken a few extra classes, spent less time in Europe and graduated three years earlier with my class. But then I just would have gotten some job, probably have been laid off and hence be just as depressed and pathetic as you saps. Now whose made bad decisions?

Believe it or not individuals have been critical of the decisions I have made over the years. When I read the link posted by Erin all I could do was laugh. Let me tell you why your man KF Li continues to set the curve for success.

I spend alot of time in the cigar shop and lonely rich men often come in and buy me a cigar in exchange for my stimulating company. Oddly, a regular asked me if I had a place to stay for the night. No matter. I asked one how he defined success and he said success was defined as the day to day control you exercise over your own life. I hope my buddy’s girl is reading this.

Every day, every decision I make is my own. When to get up, when and what to eat and wear. Whether to take a job substitute teaching should one be available, what to watch on TV, etc. If I decide to work that day I disregard the teacher’s lesson plan. Let’s face it, if they knew what the best lessons in life were, they wouldn’t have ended up as just teachers. After all, I am teaching much better than they are and I never had to go through that accreditation process. Why pay your dues if they’re optional? I bet they pay suggested donations at museums too.

My kids are always making bad decisions. Doesn’t matter what class I teach. The girls especially. They are always dating losers. They never come over when I invite them to tutor/counsel them privately. The guys are not much better. One of them asked me about college and whether I was worried about my loans. I asked him if he worried about his bills. He replied he was 15. I hope I sub in his logic or his economics class so I can teach him how to make a rational argument or that people aren’t charged differently for goods depending on age. You know unless it’s the movies and you’re a senior citizen.

I respect Triforce though despite having to blog in front of a webcam with a dunce cap on. Alpha Man is already demanding I be stricken from the blog on the ground that I give Asians, Males, student debtors and humans a bad name. I think he’s jealous because everyone assumes I’m smart because I am Asian and that he has just robbed a liquor store. Probably because he looks so sad and surly all the time. Once I bought him a bag with dollar signs on it with some money I owed him for my Mom’s prescription. He was unamused.

Triforce though is my hero. I asked him for that cash and he referred me to one of his original posts and then punched me in the stomach. I didn’t go down though. Keg beats a six pack every time. I think I am going to go be a lawyer in Cali should the East Coast start to cramp my style. You don’t need a JD there you just have to pass the bar. Triforce is always bragging about how easy it is, how he finished with hours to spare, how it’s not even worth cheating on. At first I didn’t believe him but get this- in California the bar is PASS/FAIL! Whose bright idea was that?! Talk about a bad decision. California Here I Come!

So I was watching Enter the Dragon while enjoying a glass of Chardonnay thinking about how to articulate my position to the brick-headed philistines among you. Then I had it. I am what you would call a “Gentleman Debtor” just like the hero of Enter the Dragon – Mr. Roper.

I have no idea what accounts for the popularity of his ethnic sidekicks. One died in the movie, one died in real life…maybe it’s a sympathy thing. All I know is Roper beats the meanest ugliest dude on the island, Bolo, and he is the most unscathed at the end.

Roper has debt. He owes 75k (in 1973 dollars) and has less than $70 in the bank. He still spends his time on the golf course and has a remarkably hot assistant. When goons ask him to pay he whips there butts!

Also look at the way Roper is treated. Unlike the Asian guy and black guy who are captured and interrogated Mr. Roper is treated with the utmost respect. He is offered a job and a way out of debt.

Does Roper take the job? Heck no! Why? Because the job while nice wasn’t perfect. Roper didn’t like the implied threat of death if he failed or double crossed the boss. Now remember he killed the black guy for much less and he knew none of the details of the entire operation. But does he kill Roper? No! He merely makes him fight his sidekick. Again Roper refuses. Does he die? No, he simply fights someone else. And wins. The movie ends rather abruptly but it is heavily implied that Roper is made into a hero and his debts absolved and then some.

Now of course that was just a movie. In real life no goons are going to show up and demand I pay my student debt. No white guy is going to beat an Asian guy in Kung Fu. I would bitchsmack Triforce back to Britain, perfect abs aside. The moral though holds true – a different set of rules apply to Gentlemen, not because of what we’ve done but because who we are.
//

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

That’s “Kung Fu” not “Kentucky Fried.” That wouldn’t make any sense.  It’s also not racist, I am just trying to keep with the old school Nintendo theme here.  Benito insisted this guy get posting privileges but I vetoed the profile.  His posts are mine, that’s what understudy means.  Nobody claps for the TA at the end of the semester.

KF has debt, a surprisingly large amount given his singular undergraduate degree from an in-state college.  KF and I went to different high schools but we met through a mutual friend from his neighborhood who went to my high school.  Ask him about his prom date.

I mostly chose KF because I owe him a favor.  He’s a good guy.  I promised I’d pull wing man for him but I had an all night doc review and I bailed.  There’s also something else.

When KF first met Benito he called him out for living at home, even though KF himself did at the time.  He later distinguished his situation because Benito still lives in his old room whereas KF had moved into the basement.  It was illustrative of a different mindset he said, and I would have to agree.

KF’s first words to Alpha Man were “I would never hire you” even though Alpha Man hadn’t asked him for a job.  He later explained that if he had Alpha Man’s complexion his boards would have landed him at a private school on scholarship instead of another faceless drone at state school.  He refused to retract his statement when it turned out Alpha Man’s boards were substantially higher than his…it was the principle of the thing, the world’s first case of reverse-reverse (perhaps sideways) discrimination.  He told Alpha Man he should follow his example buying and selling mortgages to banks.  KF even offered to mentor him.  Alpha Man pointed out that that practice had a major role in sinking the U.S. Economy.  I pointed out that KF hadn’t sold a single one in 18 months.  KF looked at us both like we’d tried to cite a traffic court case in a Supreme Court Brief.

I consider myself the champion of free will and the lone voice against the victimhood mentality that is at the bottom of the slippery slope this blog is built upon.  KF’s financial situation when you consider debt and the current ability to pay it back is worse than any other writer on this blog but you would never guess it by the way he carries himself and by the bright outlook he has for his own future.  That’s why he gets to write in my slot.  KF just might get that 5 series before I do.