So we all know how I feel about Lisa Scottoline.  Imagine my surprise when I found out that Benito Mario is facebook friends with “her.”  I put that in quotes because the woman obviously doesn’t check her facebook account and that sad, sad job goes to some low-level assistant at her agent’ agency or publisher.  I REALLY hope that individual does not have student loans because they are about to lose their job, like the Biglaw associate who gets put in charge of exhibits.

Benito says he’s facebook friends with her because she accepted his invitation.  Yes Benito knows its just a sham to sell books that make Nancy Drew look like war and peace, but he has almost zero friends and he takes what he can get…just like people who travel in the middle lane.  Big-nosed hack authors who travel in the middle lane.  Well, when you’re in debtor’s prison, there is no middle lane.

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The last epiphany I had was when I decided to create this blog, and it was nothing, I mean NOTHING compared to the earth-shaking revelation I experienced in a movie theater just a few short minutes ago.  As a man of few means, I normally catch movies right at the tail end when they are about to leave the theater (when hopefully tickets are reduced) and hence I saw the movie “Kickass.” And I was blown away.

First, all I can say is thank you.  I haven’t felt like that in a movie theater since before I can remember. 

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WOOOOO! WOOOOO!  MAN IT’S APATHETIC TO BE BACK!

Mike Triforce here.  I see that there’s still no independent advertising here so I assume the pay is the same.  That’s zero for those of you keeping track at home.  What’s happened in my absence?  Benito’s still out of a job, Alpha Man is still whiny and bitter, Simon’s Girlfriend’s one substantive post is in response to something I said and Erin still feels neglected.  Oh and Icarus 30 has gotten too lazy to rhyme and quit his job/gave up his hobby (fetish?) however you would describe teaching high school.

Listen, I’m back by choice not because Benito asked me or because I need this platform.  I’m back not because this blog needs me, I am back because YOU need me.  Let me remind you why.

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Dear Ms. Viswanathan:

Hello, my name is Benito Mario, aspiring author and student debtor.  Recently I became aware that you received a summer associate gig at Sullivan and Cromwell after disgracing yourself with your plagiarized novel “How Opal Mehta, Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life.”  Between your sweet gig and your ridiculous book deal you are quite well off despite not being as wealthy as others who have been the subject of this column like our dear friend Tiger Woods.  However, the most telling sign of your wealth and power, your admission to Georgetown Law and fancy law firm notwithstanding, was your ability to get such a large book deal in the first place as a first-time unpublished author.  Money begets money.  Debt begets debt.  That’s why you should pay my student loans.  To break the cycle.

Read on to find out what is most pathetic and disgraceful about your conduct.

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Hello my name is Benito Mario. I am a fan of the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Due to the gross incompetence and sheer inadequacy of recent films, in addition to a personal written apology I would also like you to pay my student loans. It really is the least you can do.

By way of background:Back when my life had hope I used to enjoy such classics as The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. A classic nerd, in addition to memorizing large chunks of dialogue I also had all the books from the Young Indiana Jones chronicles and the Heir to the Empire series…therefore I knew where Indiana Jones comes from and I knew what happens after Anakin finally restores balance to the force. What I didn’t know was how Anakin became Vader or what became of Indiana after he rode off into the sunset after finding the greatest treasure of all time. I spent literally 20 years thinking about the answer to these questions. It would have been nice if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had spent say, 20 minutes thinking about it.

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Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would like you to pay my student loans AND the student loans of EVERY recent graduate of Duke University. Why? Because after receiving the honor of singing “One Shining Moment” for the 2010 NCAA Final Four you apparently insisted on having shots of yourself edited into the montage. Um, I’m sorry, what Division I men’s basketball team do you play for? Why did I see more footage of you than Jon Scheyer the senior captain of the winning team?

Normally these letters come in the form of a request but not this time. This time I am asking you to pay what you owe. Read on if you want to realize the full magnitude of what you have done or if not you want just send a check. Have your people contact the blog adminIstrator for details.

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Dear Tiger Woods,

Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pay off my student loans.  The balance is roughly 213k.  You wouldn’t just be doing me a solid, instead of ACTUALLY paying off my loans I would use the money to create a trust to pay off the student loans of one faithful reader of debtor’s prison…someone whose loans are far smaller than mine such that the trust would be renewable.  I also wrote to Pepsi Refresh and pitched a similar idea.  Do you endorse Pepsi? I guess you don’t really endorse anyone anymore. Plus it would give me something to do.  I am unemployed and I live with my mother.

I suppose you’re wondering why, besides the fact that you are a household name and on pace to be the first billionaire athlete, I have come to you with this shameless handout.  The truth is we have something very important in common. And that’s shame.

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Dear Mr. Tyler:

My name is Benito Mario and it is my humble request that you pay my student loans.  You may wonder why I am writing you specifically for this undeserved handout.  Mostly its because your decision to forego your senior year of HIGH SCHOOL not college is causing your name to trend highly on yahoo at the moment I am sitting down to write this before I get to a more serious post.

There are other reasons though.  You and I are actually alot alike.  Read on to find out how.

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Dear Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner,

Hello, my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me the money to pay off my student loans.  I am writing you with this shameful request for an undeserved handout mostly because I am hoping your names will add hits to my new, floundering blog.  Truth be told I am not familiar with the works you are most famous for, but I have seen you guys on the Daily Show and hosting SNL respectively and from what I can tell you guys seem alright.

I first googled your names during one of my stints as an RA so I would have some common ground with the freshmen girls who failed to make friends (and thus were stuck with their RA on a Friday or Saturday night).  When that method proved effective I tried to actually read the novel(s) your works are based on.  I figured I was a fan of Ann Rice and that Twilight would be similar.  I read page one and to make a long story short my new plan for paying off my student loans is to write a best selling novel about vampires by getting a bunch of gerbils drunk and letting them run loose on the keyboard.  The back up plan is painting a black cape on my friend’s white rabbit and have him audition for the lead in “Bunnicula” which is scheduled for an early 2012 release date.  This regulates begging celebrities I don’t know personally to my back up back up plan, so really by the time this letter finds either of you I could have paid off my student loans and then some.

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Dear Ms.  Spears,

My name is Benito Mario and I am a fair weather fan and well wisher (in that I don’t wish you any particular harm). I find you to be an excellent dancer, good mother, adequate singer and a better actress than every rapper save Will Smith, Ludacris, Most Def and LL Cool J. That said I would appreciate it greatly if you could find it in your heart to pay the balance of my student loans and related expenses which are approximately $212,047. With interest, new defaults and penalties that amount is subject to change. Please read on so that I might explain why I have singled you out for this handout request.

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