I know this is a year late, but for those of you that know me I was dealing with a little something last year and for you smart-asses the blog’s not a year old yet.  Michael Jackson.  The King of Pop.  A Legend.  He was also an accused child molester, the father of three 100% biologically Caucasian children…and a much lighter complexion than the one he was born with.  I have a theory about the motivations behind the latter.

For those of you who follow my posts you know that I recently saw a production of Thurgood, one that still resonates with me.  After five drinks and ten Michael Jackson videos (or was it the other way around) something occurred to me.  Brown v. Board was decided in 1954.  Michael Jackson was born in 1958.  Now, it was proved during that case to the satisfaction of all nine Supreme Court Justices that Segregation, and to a greater extent American Society,  poisoned the self-image of young African-Americans.  Now suppose Michael Jackson was not immune to this affliction?

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Here at Debtor’s Prison we would like to extend our heartfelt thanks to Laurence Fishburne for his portrayal of Thurgood Marshall in Thurgood and Michelle Alexander for her scholarship in The New Jim Crow. The latter work deals with incarceration in America.

I will be the first to admit there is alot of negativity on this blog.  Being up to your eyeballs in debt and underemployed, unemployed or employed with no job security is not a state of being that leads a normal person to be cheery or upbeat.  That is why it is extra important that we take the time to acknowledge those who are making a conscious effort to improve our world and could be pursuing other things that no doubt would lead to less work and more money.

So thank you Mr. Fishburne and Dr. Alexander.  You’ve done more than you can know.

So we all know how I feel about Lisa Scottoline.  Imagine my surprise when I found out that Benito Mario is facebook friends with “her.”  I put that in quotes because the woman obviously doesn’t check her facebook account and that sad, sad job goes to some low-level assistant at her agent’ agency or publisher.  I REALLY hope that individual does not have student loans because they are about to lose their job, like the Biglaw associate who gets put in charge of exhibits.

Benito says he’s facebook friends with her because she accepted his invitation.  Yes Benito knows its just a sham to sell books that make Nancy Drew look like war and peace, but he has almost zero friends and he takes what he can get…just like people who travel in the middle lane.  Big-nosed hack authors who travel in the middle lane.  Well, when you’re in debtor’s prison, there is no middle lane.

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The last epiphany I had was when I decided to create this blog, and it was nothing, I mean NOTHING compared to the earth-shaking revelation I experienced in a movie theater just a few short minutes ago.  As a man of few means, I normally catch movies right at the tail end when they are about to leave the theater (when hopefully tickets are reduced) and hence I saw the movie “Kickass.” And I was blown away.

First, all I can say is thank you.  I haven’t felt like that in a movie theater since before I can remember. 

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WOOOOO! WOOOOO!  MAN IT’S APATHETIC TO BE BACK!

Mike Triforce here.  I see that there’s still no independent advertising here so I assume the pay is the same.  That’s zero for those of you keeping track at home.  What’s happened in my absence?  Benito’s still out of a job, Alpha Man is still whiny and bitter, Simon’s Girlfriend’s one substantive post is in response to something I said and Erin still feels neglected.  Oh and Icarus 30 has gotten too lazy to rhyme and quit his job/gave up his hobby (fetish?) however you would describe teaching high school.

Listen, I’m back by choice not because Benito asked me or because I need this platform.  I’m back not because this blog needs me, I am back because YOU need me.  Let me remind you why.

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Dear Ms. Viswanathan:

Hello, my name is Benito Mario, aspiring author and student debtor.  Recently I became aware that you received a summer associate gig at Sullivan and Cromwell after disgracing yourself with your plagiarized novel “How Opal Mehta, Got Kissed, Got Wild and Got a Life.”  Between your sweet gig and your ridiculous book deal you are quite well off despite not being as wealthy as others who have been the subject of this column like our dear friend Tiger Woods.  However, the most telling sign of your wealth and power, your admission to Georgetown Law and fancy law firm notwithstanding, was your ability to get such a large book deal in the first place as a first-time unpublished author.  Money begets money.  Debt begets debt.  That’s why you should pay my student loans.  To break the cycle.

Read on to find out what is most pathetic and disgraceful about your conduct.

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Hello my name is Benito Mario. I am a fan of the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Due to the gross incompetence and sheer inadequacy of recent films, in addition to a personal written apology I would also like you to pay my student loans. It really is the least you can do.

By way of background:Back when my life had hope I used to enjoy such classics as The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. A classic nerd, in addition to memorizing large chunks of dialogue I also had all the books from the Young Indiana Jones chronicles and the Heir to the Empire series…therefore I knew where Indiana Jones comes from and I knew what happens after Anakin finally restores balance to the force. What I didn’t know was how Anakin became Vader or what became of Indiana after he rode off into the sunset after finding the greatest treasure of all time. I spent literally 20 years thinking about the answer to these questions. It would have been nice if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had spent say, 20 minutes thinking about it.

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Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would like you to pay my student loans AND the student loans of EVERY recent graduate of Duke University. Why? Because after receiving the honor of singing “One Shining Moment” for the 2010 NCAA Final Four you apparently insisted on having shots of yourself edited into the montage. Um, I’m sorry, what Division I men’s basketball team do you play for? Why did I see more footage of you than Jon Scheyer the senior captain of the winning team?

Normally these letters come in the form of a request but not this time. This time I am asking you to pay what you owe. Read on if you want to realize the full magnitude of what you have done or if not you want just send a check. Have your people contact the blog adminIstrator for details.

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Dear Tiger Woods,

Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pay off my student loans.  The balance is roughly 213k.  You wouldn’t just be doing me a solid, instead of ACTUALLY paying off my loans I would use the money to create a trust to pay off the student loans of one faithful reader of debtor’s prison…someone whose loans are far smaller than mine such that the trust would be renewable.  I also wrote to Pepsi Refresh and pitched a similar idea.  Do you endorse Pepsi? I guess you don’t really endorse anyone anymore. Plus it would give me something to do.  I am unemployed and I live with my mother.

I suppose you’re wondering why, besides the fact that you are a household name and on pace to be the first billionaire athlete, I have come to you with this shameless handout.  The truth is we have something very important in common. And that’s shame.

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Dear Mr. Tyler:

My name is Benito Mario and it is my humble request that you pay my student loans.  You may wonder why I am writing you specifically for this undeserved handout.  Mostly its because your decision to forego your senior year of HIGH SCHOOL not college is causing your name to trend highly on yahoo at the moment I am sitting down to write this before I get to a more serious post.

There are other reasons though.  You and I are actually alot alike.  Read on to find out how.

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