I just got another text from the African Goddess I met when I ditched a suicidal Icarus at Irish Pub the other day.  Apparently she found this blog, recognized Icarus’ post and figured out who I was…and yes she read the article where I repeated racist propoganda at my firm to ingraciate myself with the partners who hold those views because I deemed them to hold more power than the younger progressive ones…with smaller books of business.  So sad.  She really was beautiful, the kind of beauty where just talking to her (and fortunately that’s all that happened) was more than enough.  But before I start sounding too much like Icarus, I promised you another post about why Professional Responsibility is a joke.

I’ll be honest, once I started talking to this girl I forgot where I was going with the previous post.  I promised an Icarus update and despite his lack of recent posts I can guarantee he’s still breathing.  SO that said I may as well tell you what a Professional Responsibility class is like at an Ivy-League law school.

First, a disclaimer.  I didn’t go.  I didn’t go for the same reason I didn’t go to most classes.  First, I didn’t care.  Second, I did worse on exams when I was confused by the stupid shit Law Professors say when they open their mouths in front of people with no power over them.  So this is second hand.

The classes are usually taught by local practitioners.  If you’re a respectable law school than it’s a big name partner at a big name firm.  The first day this partner will simply brag about the pro-bono work he’s done.  Do not be fooled.  That simply means that those with the bulk of the shares no longer trust this individual with work that gets them paid.  The second day their will be stupid hypotheticals usually involving Nazis or the KKK.  The do-gooders (if there are any left at this point) will raise their hands and the partner will non-chalantly mock their most sacred beliefs and if they’re GOOD will trip them up such that they cannot articulate in legal terms what they know in their heart to be true.  That’s the first crack that lets in this new and frankly perverted way of thinking.

The next two weeks involve taking situations where common decency directly conflicts with what one’s “professional responsibility” is and the rest is spent more or less on how to fill out timesheets.  My personal favorite though is the rule out about ratting someone out.  So if a lawyer knows another lawyer has violated the code he is REQUIRED to rat on this individual and it cannot be anonymous.  Now let’s think about that.  Are lawyers, unlike the general populace REQUIRED (as in failure to do so results in the loss of freedom or property) to report ACTUAL VIOLATIONS OF LAW? No.  What about crimes committed by other lawyers that are not violations of the code? No.  IN FACT, you more likely than not would be required to keep that SECRET.  See what I just did? 

If you follow professional responsibility to the letter, you are required to put these trade guidelines above, well, the law.  And what do most of these trade guidelines have to do with? Timesheets.  Billing.  Money.  How does something become AGAINST the rules of professional responsibility?  It’s simply a behavior pattern that endangers the business of practicing law as a whole.  Fraud undermines trust in lawyers.  That is bad for business.  That’s a violation.  More specifically, fraudulently reporting your time causes businesses to more closely audit lawyers.  That is REALLY bad for business. That’s a MAJOR violation. 

You see my point.  Last thing I’ll say.  Every lawyer routinely violates this code the same way every normal driver routinely violates traffic law.  Imagine if you could lose your job and the right to work in your sector for a traffic ticket? Do think that’s something that’s fairly enforced? Do you think that’s even possible…or do you think a den full of lawyers makes these decisions based on politics?  Hmmm, let me think about that…what’s the background of most career politicians?

I’ve got another great story about the time I cheated on a law exam…but first let’s see if my pale as hell girlfriend (whose blue veins and tiny breasts are now particularly noticeable) knows about the African Goddess.

It’s obvious that Above The Law is required reading here at Debtor’s Prison.  In fact, I think it’s unfortunate that the blog is dominated primarily by lawyers BECAUSE if say, American Legal work can be outsourced, what can’t? Without further ado here is the link:

First my two cents. The title is fitting because indeed those in the know DID know this would happen…and it’s a classic example of the “scam blogger” effect where even if you utter a highly watered down version of the truth most people not in the know think you’re at best crazy and at worst a cynical, whining, fingerpointing lay about. Is this pathetic? Yes. Would I take this job? Maybe and here is why: shame.  It might be worth poverty wages, stomach parasites, and leaving everything I’ve ever known to look myself in the mirror and know that I am surrounded by individuals who are staring at me for a very different reason.

Read on to hear what the gang thinks

Ha! This is hilarious. Americans with six-figure educations moving to India to have a better life. And to think not ten years ago white people were SUING to get into this school.  Would I go? No. Would I take note and perhaps look for entrepreneurial opportunities in India? Absolutely. But again hilarious, this is a top ten school.

Maybe I’ll get my JD in India or hell at least do a year there. I bet they are better at placing students.  I know Jr. Associates will be pissed at my firm if our contractors are outsourced, not only because it means they are next but because they LOVE yelling at some poor shmuck 15 years their senior over some perceived error.

Look assheads. There are people with Harvard degrees working at Mickey Dees. There are Yalees strung out on drugs. There are Princeton Tigers collecting unemployment. Am I blown away that some lowly Wolverines might have to work in India?  Um, not really.  It was poor judgment to allow such a job posting on campus but that’s all it is…Michigan needs to realize that it is PERCEPTION not RANKING that effects the worth of your degree. Don’t sacrifice the former for a small fraction of the latter. The real loser here is Michigan. As for me I am 100% American and you couldn’t DRAG ME away.

Being a resident sucks. This also counts as a post. Second, am I the only one who thinks it’s a little presumptuous to assume that just because a job is in India that it’s awful? I hate using the phrase “My Indian Friends” so I won’t because you don’t have to be Indian to see the fact that a job posting with no stated salary in a market where everyone and especially young lawyers are out on their ass might be good or it might be bad and if you are emphatically claiming one or the other you’re reading something into it- a pre conceived notion as it were. Now I’m not claiming to be in the know as far as legal is concerned just like I wouldn’t expect a lawyer to know how lucrative dermatology is…but come on.

That’s right I participate in roundtables now. What do I think of as an incoming law student going to an inferior school that costs about the same? I’m elated, tickled, yet not surprised. To add to my colleagues comments: I agree with Alpha Man this is hilarious, I also agree with Mike Triforce that this obviously happens and to that I add- just as every good school has it’s epic failures so does every crappy school have it’s runaway successes. And that will be me. When I am rolling in dough with my TTT diploma I can’t wait to sponsor a former American’s Visa to come back to the states and scrub my toilet, the highest paying job he can get 15 years out of Michigan. And I don’t care what the law says he ain’t getting healthcare.

Give me your energetic, your wealthy
Your flamboyant shooting stars for sale
Send me your multiple homeowning overclass
I lift my lamp beside my gold-plated door…

And I will deport my own poor bastards to make room

So I might have killed three people but some idiot 3L who just passed his MPRE wants to pass judgment on me because *gasp* I bragged about a famous client who shall remain nameless (rhymes with Drave Chrappelle). Now due to trying to find a new job at a better firm, the incident in April, KF Li’s crap AND a heartfelt desire to not be perceived as such a douchebag I was tempted not to write this or at least keep it as a single post.  I have failed.

Professional Responsibility is a joke. Read on for the context of my opening statement.

So if you’re like me you didn’t read Icarus’ last post. I don’t like hearing wedding vows when I am at weddings so I certainly didn’t want to read a proposal. Here’s a tip ladies: the longer he talks the cheaper ring. So when the crew called and said they were concerned about Icarus and I should take him for drinks I blew them off as long as I could. I asked why one of the employed women couldn’t do it but apparently SG starts her residency in a few days and Erin thinks I arus gives off a “weird vibe.” Its called the stink of failure and if Erin doesn’t find a way out of her paralegal corner she better get used to it.

So Icarus and I go out. I order two tall Guiness stouts and I add a double shot of Whiskey to Icarus’ drink. First thing I say to him is “bottoms up”. This guy needs three drinks just so he’ll talk normal.  Then we run it back. Six in when he thinks he’s had only two he starts yammering about his gf, and how he said he dumped her because she didn’t respect him but really it was because he was tired of watching her wait for a proposal that might never come yada yada…I am bored and there are no attractive women in the bar yet.

So I tell Icarus a law school story about how me and a buddy of mine settled a bet about who was the most persuasive litigator by visiting a suicide chat room and trying to convince randoms to stop talking and start doing.

I can still remember my argument. Suicide is the most rational action for you. First I would state that people who are making a difference and contributing to society don’t ever feel suicidal. That would be counter to evolution. Second I argued that suicide saves resources. Third I argued that suicide is easier on friends and family because it ends the cycle of worry. Fourth, it is very easy to make suicide seem like an accident aka car + tree = suicide. That landed me three suicide pacts to my friend’s one and then we stopped.

So as I am telling this story an African goddess catches my eye. It is still fairly early and most white guys are intimidated by Africsn American women, Simon aside. She sits down at the booth next to me so I leave Icarus and start spitting game. Actor, Musician, Lawyer representing David Chappelle er, Dravid Chrappelle. So then this young kid comes up to me and starts calling me unprofessional. You can’t give out clients names, that’s against the rules of professional responsibility! You’re probably not a real lawyer!

Poor fool. I drop the card. I drop the keys ( I still kept one of my BMW keys for when I am walking around center city) I bring up one of the documents for the matter on my blackberry. I make up some lie about the rules being different when the man is a personal acquaintance (he’s not but I am lying remember?) and soon the little 3L is practically crying and the girl can’t scribble down her digits fast enough.

My first point is that this idiot overheard that entire suicide conversation, saw me leave a friend teetering on a self-destructive brink to talk to a girl and he’s fine with that but utter the name of a client? That’s why you stick your nose in my business?

More on why Professional Responsibility is a joke oh, and what happened with the girl (and Icarus) whenever I upload the rest of this from my phone.

*clap* *clap* *clap*

You really have to give it up for KF Li. I mean he’s not even in law school yet and he’s doling out billing advice oh yeah, and calling me a bitch, saying I am scared of Benito just because my last what, two posts have a slightly different flavor? Hard to believe it was just a few months ago when I relegated him to wearing a dunce cap for botching a post so badly.

Here’s the best part: KF Li has unwittingly given me 1) the credit for the tips and 2) a way to deny culpability should my own identity ever be uncovered. He also fell for the oldest trick in the book pulled by high powered attorneys: buy a law student drinks for a week, and he will buy you drinks for a year.

Read on to hear why else KF Li is already too big for his damn britches…

The Market has changed folks. While I will be the first to admit there is a timeless quality to any utterance I make the tricks of the trade from two years ago ain’t gonna get you paid. You need to know not what I DID but what I am DOING.

Now obviously I am not going to tell you exactly what I’ve done recently but I can tell you this – things that will get you permanently disbarred might not necessarily land you jail time and vice versa. This one scam I pulled would do both and no I am not talking about the drunken hit and run.  Shit I did fucked with the bank accounts of a very powerful industry, the one that recently defeated something called “the public option.” So back up and recognize. Disrespect me at your own peril.

And that goes DOUBLE for you lucky sons of bitches who’ve managed to not get fired playing the game straight-up. You’ve paid down your loans, bought a used car, and maybe even an overpriced house in the city that you can barely walk around in…oh I know you think you’re better than me. Think you’re getting married? You’re not? Think you’re safe at your job now that the worst of the recession is over? You’re not.

There once was a blind man who successfully crossed a busy highway 100 times. The 101st time he was struck, killed. And went to hell. During his eternal torment the devil asked him why his dumb blind ass tried to cross that busy highway and the old man said “I crossed one hundred times before” to which the Devil replied “and how did that affect the probability that you would make it across the last time?” the blind man’s answers were drowned out with screaming.

All you’ve done is flip a coin and gotten heads ten times. Remember me when it comes up tails.

Whoever tells you not to go to law school, don’t listen to them.  I’m not even there yet and already I am having a blast.  Spent a few weeks in NAPA learning about wine so I have something to talk about with the kids that matter – actually got an uncle to pay for it who was, get this, glad I was finally applying myself.  Awesome.  That freed up some cash to wine and dine Mike Triforce, who I suspect is strapped for cash for some reason.  The following are some of his rules for padding hours.  We are learning from a (former?) Master here fellas.  I question him because if you follow this blog you know he hasn’t been the same since his hiatus.  He blames Benito, but when has Triforce ever cared about what Benito thought before?  He knows Benito RARELY doesn’t approve an article…

But anyway.  Go to law school.  It is the only profession where you have a statistically measurable chance of landing a job that pays 160k or more for doing the following.  Secrets are after the fold people.

#1 Lie.  This isn’t as simple as it seems.  Triforce says I will do well in law school because I’ve never really tried to please other people.  This isn’t true for most lawyers.  Most lawyers got good grades for most of their lives by generally doing and saying what they’re told – and telling the truth is one of those tired mantras society has tried to ingrain in us.  Also, lawyers are cowardly.   Courageous people who care about the law become cops, and people with balls who want to make money become crooks.  The almost non-existent chance of being caught AND being reported AND the bar caring enough to do anything about it is enough to keep most lawyers in line.  Seriously, I can’t wait to be a lawyer.

#2 Don’t Go to Your Office.  Caveat, you are going to need to go to your office late at night to get that “go-getter” reputation.  You also need to make sure your office lights are on.  For these reasons it’s a VERY good idea to make sure you live within walking distance of your job.  However, there is absolutely no reason to be at your office in the middle of the day.  Nothing good can come of it.  Nobody ever comes looking for you to tell you “good job.”

#3 Ask to See Old Bills.  The first two simply require balls.  Here is where that eighth grade reading level comes into play.  Not that this one doesn’t require balls as well.  You only have a brief window when you first start to ask to see bills without seeming suspicious.  Look at how many hours generally each file bares but also look at TRENDS.  You want files that are paying higher and higher bills each month.  It’s like cable – some people cancel their cable when the promotions end (bad client) and some people aren’t paying attention and after the trial period are content to let their cable bill go up $20 a month (good client). 

That’s it for now.  More on this to come.  Remember, lie, stay home, and find the clients that are willing to lie down and take it.

It’s your man KF Li here. As you all know it is my ambition to follow in the illustrious footsteps of Mike Triforce – innovator, artist and JD (Just Dollaz). The first step was filling in for him. The second was…applying to law school! And I got in! What’s Good SUCKAS?! And I have to say it was remarkably easy. But you know what the best part is? Once again suckling at the teet of Student Loans – oh yeah it’s easy to knock them when you are paying them back, but when you are SPENDING that money?! Wow it’s like having monopoly money and I’m the banker!

Read on to learn the schools I got accepted to and learn how else I applied the lessons of Mike Triforce to get where I am today.

“Work Hard Only When You Have To” if there is a lesson that sums of Mike Triforce that doesn’t have to do with a BMW or abs than this is it. I look at some of the ivy-leagers who write for this thing and you’ve got unemployed-jobless-paralegal-substitute teacher/unemployed. Pass. Then I look at the requirements. College degree? Check. LSAT? No. Hmmmm… Reminds me of a story Triforce told about a degenerate gambler who managed to bluff his way into Triforce’s law school not once but TWICE without a BA. Surely I can get into a regular law school without the LSAT…

Yep! It worked out. I stopped by Alpha Man’s foodtruck to gloat (a commute because I live in the suburbs) and showed him my list of schools. He used words like “for profit” and “non accredited” to describe them. Idiot. He’s just mad that they wanted me so bad they were willing to offer me admission pending a satisfactory LSAT score. Similarly Erin Samus had nothing to say of a congratulatory nature – she kept begging me to promise I wouldn’t go. I think she 1) has a crush in me and doesn’t want me to be far away and 2) doesn’t like the idea that in three years I can (and most likely will be) her boss.

Saying I am a law student doesn’t lead to instant women like my soldier bit did. However if I can get to the point in the conversation where I say “I turned down Harvard” (which I did I turned down their open invitation to apply) I usually have found a girl willing to take me back to her place…or the men’s bathroom it makes no difference.

Law School!

It’s your man KF Li here.  I’m officially off probation and back to occassionally filling in for Mike Triforce.  I’ve been doing pretty good lately.  I joined the Army! Well, I applied for the Army.  But in my book, that makes me a soldier and I have been reaping the benefits.  People have been buying me drinks and once I bought an old uniform off of e-bay girls have been talking to me.  The Army also pays off student loans.  I think I get a gun too, or a sword maybe if I am in the calvary.

But anyway, the point of this post is to answer a riddle (question?) Triforce asked.  If I knew I could go back in time, work hard, and be successful would I do it?  It seemed pretty straight forward.  I thought long and hard about it, did some soul searching and came up with the following.

I am 29 sitting in a bar pretending to be a soldier in order to get women and free drinks.  But that’s not the worst of it.  I would do it simply for the subtle kudos and the fact that I no longer needed to be embarassed when I say I am going back to my mom’s place.  One time I almost crapped myself when real soldiers rolled into the bar.  I could see patrons pointing him in my direction.  I could tell he could smell a fake.  I spent the next two hours standing on a toilet seat with the door locked.

So yes if I could go back in time I would and I told Mike Triforce as much.  He said “wrong answer” and smacked me. 

So I thought about it again and then I realized that even though nobody ELSE sees value in my life, it’s my life, and it was worth living and I wouldn’t trade it for anything.

So no if I could go back in time I wouldn’t change a thing and I told Mike Triforce as much.  He said “wrong answer” and smacked me. 

So this was my last chance to get it right.  I panicked, got drunk, and vomited in his new guitar.  He didn’t hit me though which was nice.  After I stole enough instruments from the school where I substitute teach to replace his guitar did he give me the answer: That if I could go back in time, there were a million ways I could be successful AND NOT work hard.  Gambling came most readily to mind.

Before the Princess woke up and Mike Triforce started taking off his pants and ushering me out, he said this: find your time machine. Pretty easy to say if your job involves writing “historical fiction.”  I think I will shave my head and see if I can pass for a Marine tonight.

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I know what being a partner is like.  I gave KF the relatively simple task of covering a post slot and he botches it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the hero of Enter the Dragon. For his transgression he must now where a dunce cap whenever blogging.  I apologize to all of Bruce Lee’s millions of fans around the world.

This also provides me an interesting opportunity to illustrate the difference between “hard work” for a winner (me and Bruce Lee) and hard work for a loser (you). Winners work hard when it matters.

Side note: Check out this loser response to a bad review http://abovethelaw.com/2010/02/in-house_counseling_dont_fall.php#more

Bruce Lee and I have alot in common. To illustrate my point take my perfect abs. I do sit-ups everyday? Why? Because my body notices each sit-up. My body is never having lunch, out of the office, on another floor etc., when I am doing sit-ups.

Now let’s take work. Does my boss notice everything I do? Does the client? I work at a major law firm in Philadelphia. I bill well into the bonus pool. But if I am in the office before 11 AM there is breakfast and if I am there after 3:30 I am getting ready for softball. I take long lunch breaks too, sometimes I go home and nap.  And you know what? The partners use extra lip balm before they kiss my ass.  Some people ask about the sound of one hand clapping, I ask which is more impossible, my losing my job or my getting fat? I’m just saying I could publish confidential information in the New York times and I could eat a wedding cake all by myself and this guy is still working AND looking good.

 As for the billables…figure it out. But before you judge me consider this: does it hurt the firm? No. In fact they profit greatly from this. Does it hurt the client? No. If the work product wasn’t worth what we were asking they would go elsewhere. Plus I am confident 30 minutes of actual work on my part is the rough equivalent of four hours of a reasonably competent colleague. My reviews would indicate the same. This also allows me to be well rested in the case of an actual work emergency that actually requires a rockstar like me.

Now some wet blanket always brings up professional responsibility. Well riddle me this…is it my professional responsibility to get laid off? I think not. Lots of lawyers who fulfilled their “professional responsibility” are in the breadline right now. I prefer the partner track. Again read my review.

Sorry for the digression. ANYway losers view hard work like exercise and believe in it like it’s a religion. If I show up early and do my best everyday eventually I will get ahead. Tortoise and the Hare. Hmmmm…yeah that never happens in real life. A Hare is a swift animal. A Tortoise can’t even die quickly,  I know because I hit one once (might have been a turtle THANK HEAVEN It wasn’t the BMW). But the loser response is to just work harder, expecting somehow different results.

You’re welcome in advance for another hard truth. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s near the end of the month and I have to start filling out my timesheets.