As far as I’m concerned the show should be called One and a Half Men…and Charlie Sheen is that one and a half.  Charlie Sheen gets alot of attention for being the (former) highest paid TV actor. Who cares? TV is for losers, it’s like contract work in the legal world. That’s not what makes Sheen rich. Sheen is rich because he has so much damn time on his hands. You have this wealth of time too, and in a similar environment of zero accountability, easy access to drugs and loose women…where showing up for work for two hours a day does actually induce others to give you kudos.  This place is called Academia.  Let me put it another way.  What does the best law school in the country (Yale) produce? Law Professors.  Why? Law Professors aren’t rich after all (though they make more money than most of us ever will).  The reason is that in academia you have TIME and ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

Trust me on this one.  As a bro I competed with law professors to take slam pieces to pound town all the time.  I had to let a number of the professors see me take pictures of them with my phone in order to scare them away from my prey.  Also as an actor, even I pass up most opportunities for pilots in favor of small roles in films and the occasional commercial.  Why? Look at the Mac Book kid.  He hocs computers for a couple of years and suddenly he’s standing next to Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.  Ever see that kid on “How I Met Your Mother?” Hell no.

This is supposed to be one of those rare uplifting posts.  Work with me kids.

Regardless of what the market is like at least right now you can pretty much do whatever you want, and get the money to pay for it.  In fact, the dismal economic situation has caused a lot of your female classmates to realize that they’re never going to be able to get married and have children.  The best they can hope for is that a sibling five years younger or older might luck out and produce offspring so there is someone to bury their crazy spinster Aunt.  Once a woman starts thinking like this she ceases to think each guy might be “the one” and starts to think that each guy might be “the last.” This usually coincides with the revelation that once they graduate they will be exposed to the same let’s say…seven males each day between 20 and 60 who are even capable of having sex and that’s IF they are lucky enough to find some kind of employment, otherwise the number is 0-2.  Guys, could it be any easier?

Yes.  Ask a woman a simple question.  That question is “Do you have a cat?” If the answer is yes she will go home with you that night.  If the answer is two, she will invite you back to her place.  Three or more and you can take her into the bathroom and do whatever you want to her.  You don’t even have to keep your abs tight gentlemen (unless you’re losing your hair).

Guys it’s like this.  I have a frenemy who works for an engineering firm, never had any debt and he’s also a whiz at picking his own stocks.  I hate his politics and I am jealous of his accomplishments.  But you know what? He’s fat and his parents never got his teeth fixed and I know based on the awkward facebook messages he leaves on female friend’s pages that he is three months from being a 30 year-old virgin.  The guy whose banging the hottest girl wins.  There are no desirable men left.  Regardless of your money or employment status put yourself in a place where there are constantly a surplus of women between 15 – 35 and you will get laid for the rest of your life.  Sure, you can’t fall in love because if you stay with any one woman long enough your inadequacy as a mate will eventually occur to her but that can be a blessing in disguise.

Remember, we don’t love them ‘hos.

I love you Charlie.  Keep on keeping it real you stupid, drunk addict bastard.  If you need a lawyer holler at me! Text David Chapelle if you need a reference.

Swinging is like going into alot of debt for a prestigious school.  Yeah it sounds like a good idea and will almost certainly lead to a reliable casual sex partner but when broken down and examined it actually is a bad idea. Why? Because you are REQUIRED to give up something of value for only A CHANCE of getting something of equal (or if you’re lucky slightly greater) value in return. Plus if I wanted to screw your woman I’d just do it- I certainly wouldn’t let you screw mine.

So let me get this straight. I am going to trade the CERTAIN knowledge that my girlfriend is getting violated in the next room so some random chick can pick my watch out of a bowl?Now you might be thinking well if you end up screwing another girl of same or equal hotness on balance you did well right? WRONG! You aren’t considering the possibility that you could have gotten a girl like the one youre hitting without having to resort to swinging. It’s like trading your car in at the car dealership for a different model when they are giving cars away across the street. Even if you get a slightly nicer car are you really better off?

School is the same way. So yeah you go to fancy pants U. And get a pretty good job thereafter. You’re still head over heels in debt of course but you’re working and hence better off than many. But look around – how many people in your position or higher have credentials of equal or greater expense? For those who don’t were their respective situation extraordinary or unique? Chances are probably not.

Going to state school is like going to a bar. It’s crowded, hard to stand out and you might strike out, but at the end of the night it only cost you a few Jacksons and if you have someone to go home with all the better.

One final piece of advice: if your idiot girl suggests swinging say yes and slip her some [insert fast acting projectile vomiting inducing drug here] right before she picks a watch. Also bring a second watch and make sure both are at the top. Enjoy your marathon threesome to the sounds of your ungrateful whore of a girlfriend wretching and the guy whose alone at the end of the night crying while he masturbates to the sounds emanating from your room.  Abs people.

I had forgotten why I so rarely use facebook until I saw some headshots of mine from ‘09.  Wow. It’s not that I am just attractive simply in that I have all the features that attract women and none that repel them and that they are superior to all the males around me. I am a living, breathing work of art that appeals to some deep seated ability to appreciate beauty. I look so good that I think aliens who had never seen a human would not only appreciate me but somehow sense that I was special, one of a kind. Who knows? Perhaps I’ve saved the world and don’t even know it! Hours later I could only tear myself away from my laptop to run to the mirror to confirm that it was indeed I in those pictures…and it turns out my looks have actually IMPROVED since then.  I’d still be staring at myself now if the Princess hadn’t steamed up the mirror with a shower. Of course by then my beautiful image was gone, a screensaver in it’s place.
So what does a god look like? Imagine a better-looking Tom Brady. I honestly pity each and every one of you who have never seen my face. But here is my dilemma. When you look this good don’t you sort of owe it to society to become a model?
This bothered me for the rest of the evening. I of course am an actor and a musician. I have plenty of opportunities to address gatherings as an attorney. People see, know and love my face. Am I doing the world a disservice because I in my vanity wanted to utilize all my superior talents including intellect and creativity instead of focusing on the most striking one?
Once again I was greatly distressed. What if the burden of this immaculate physical form actually caused it’s first imperfection in the form of microscopic wrinkles in my flawless skin due to a constantly furroughed brow?

In any event, this month instead of my student loan check I am sending in my headshots.  I’m to pretty to be in debt.

People, I look good. I was just looking at some pictures of myself from a 4th of July party.  I mean I look spectacular. Paparazzi would have to follow me for weeks just to even have a chance at a bad shot. You know who looks terrible though? These Bush era big oil attorneys testifying in front of Congress. They are wrinkly, pale, flabby and have the stink of deceit on them. Haven’t they ever heard of face men?

Then it hit me. That’s where my next job is – big oil. If defending rich individual murderers gets you paid then imagine how much bank is in defending industrial murderers? AAAnnnd you don’t have to spend years in the DAs office working for slave wages.

Recently my incompetent understudy suggested I am actually out on my ass. I can assure you my name DOES appear on my firm’s website. Perhaps KF Li has forgotten my real name. I also found it odd he’d bring that up in this forum since there is no way for the reader to independently verify that.  Here’s a tip people: if you make an accusation you better have a means for your audience to verify it.

Also ask yourself this: if I was out on my ass it would probably be due to the exploits I described on this blog and if that were true I’d be disbarred and obviously not looking for a law job. Even if I was just randomly laid off, I am pretty sure Benito has mentioned that laid off attorneys are black listed.

However, laid off or not it would be hard not to hire me. I think I am going to start including headshots with resumes. It would almost be a sin not to, like Lebron James not playing basketball. Seriously you have to see me. I am experimenting with stubble a la “Face” in the A-Team. My hair is long and sexy, and it’s still combed down into my eyes, giving me the hair band accessory, the head cock and of course the hand run-through to keep the hair out of my eyes. I don’t know how the women who supervise me keep their hands off me. I couldn’t and I’m not even gay.

I also like big oil law because you can make your career with one case and it’s not about laws and precedent but about favors. I am half Italian and the mob-esque nature of it, looking at bought judges and politicians appeals to me.

Mike Triforce always lands on his feet folks. I could get laid off and not even notice. Why? Because I’d be too busy looking good. Also did I ever mention the Princess has a rich daddy who owes me for putting a roof over the head of his trifling daughter who could stand to work on her abs lest she continue to look like the first trimester of a pregnancy? And like I’ve said before, faking hours, that’s kid stuff. It’s also SO 2008. I’m sitting on something SO much bigger than that – still can’t say, not even on the blog, but I will give you a hint. There’s an old saying God doesn’t give with two hands – that’s why we’re already predisposed to think that pretty people are either dumb or crazy.

Money.  It’s the answer to alot of questions.  Fat White Men make more money if they are conservative.  Blonde College Dropout Bartenders make more money if they act slutty.  I could have titled this post “Why Young White Male Lawyers Like Myself Routinely Turn in Fraudulent Timesheets” but then Benito would have gotten on my ass.  Alot of things lead to money though, for instance hard work. Yet, I couldn’t entitle this post “Why the Average American Works Hard.”  There is a difference between money and money.

Money in the first sense means “decadence.”  That money is for luxury cars, flat screen televisions, pre-furnished condos.  Money in the second sense means a first house, sending children to good schools, saving for retirement, etc. Maybe money isn’t the full answer.  Let’s try and answer the title questions again.

It’s easy.  Being conservative is not a nuanced philosophy.  Money, lip-service to God and Country, unborn children = good.  Minorities, women, environment = bad.  Even a ditz with a retard factory between her legs can stumble through an interview with a few well-placed notes on her hand.  Similarly, acting slutty is easy.  I love the Princess, but bless her heart, she’s one of the laziest creatures I’ve ever seen.  She approaches her job with the enthusiasm of a Quaker Army recruiter – yet she makes up for it with sluttiness. 

Still not quite satisfied.  I mean, technically the easiest political philosophy is my own – simply act in your immediate best interest and use the time others waste on politics to get ahead.  I do conservative things like discriminate when it serves my interest, yet I would never argue with the handful of liberal white partners (I argue with the female and minority partners because it makes me look good to the more powerful white conservative ones).  As for being slutty, I mean I am boinking the Princess and I know first hand the depraved outer limits of her sluttiness and alot of that stuff ain’t easy.

Self-loathing?  Being fat sucks.  I can only imagine.  I’ve yet to meet an attractive fat person and attractiveness has a strong correlation with earning potential in the professions, particularly Law.  Conservatism is based largely on hate directed at immutable characteristics.  Similarly, it’s one thing to work as a bar tender as a second job, or if you own the bar, or at night while you go to school, or if you love people, or if your educational opportunities are limited, or if you are just darn good at it…but a college dropout whose main source of income, no matter how it is dressed up or disguised, is ultimately her father, is a bartender for none of those reasons.  She also knows she’s not going to be hot forever.

I am not knocking fat people and obviously no post on this blog is going to argue that leaving school and either stopping the debt bleeding or spending your parents’ money on something more productive is a bad idea.  Also for the record I am not calling the Princess a slut.  A slut would have accepted the implants I offered instead of simply purchasing and augmenting oversized bras (which only works when you’re not being routinely groped or wearing low-cut tops.  Imagine my dissapointment when I first copped a drunken feel in the restroom of…wherever the hell we met). I am simply using a thought experiment to illustrate the following:

A vast amount of human behavior can be explained by filling a personal void with the most expedient pursuit of money. 

Which finally brings us full circle to the student debtor, a group not surprisingly lacking in fat conservative white men and sluttly blonde college dropout bartenders.  Is there a take home lesson here or is that the equivalent of stating most Martians have never been to Cleveland? I don’t know.  First, I’d say if you somehow manage to be in both groups you might want to make an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian  (a surprising number of suicides end in failure and your resume isn’t looking so stellar).  Second…maybe chronic student debtors and fat conservative white men/blonde college dropout slutty bartenders are two sides of the same rusty, worn-out coin.

Don’t see it?  Well, frugality, fasting and chastity are clearly part of the same shiny, righteous coin.  So close your wallet, close your legs and for the love of Jeebus put down your fork.  Abs people.

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

Ok, I might have said some things that were exagerations. I might have gotten carried away with this whole blogging thing. Being in debt is stressful but If I offended anyone well… Fill in the blank.

Ha. I bet not a single one of those phony bastards bothered to click and read the rest of this post (or any of them).  Funny I asked my “friends” to comment ON THE SITE not call me and tell me I’m an asshole.

Yeah I’m an asshole lending my mad writing skills to this blog for FREE. People all ready get to look at photos of me for free on facebook, that should be MORE than enough charity. Abs people. Abs.

OK. Let’s do a fact check. Raise your hand if you ever vouched for a childhood friend with three law buddies so he could live with you…only to have him rob you blind? Didn’t think so. Whose significant other owes them five figures, doesn’t have a REAL job and (here’s the kicker) worked a shift at a dive bar ON MY BIRTHDAY so she could have her own birthday off four days later.

I am not blaming anyone. These are/were my decisions and I stand by them. I owe the man close to $200,000 and people I love owe ME $20,000. The Bible makes a big deal of giving until you have nothing. Well folks, I’ve been giving with s net worth of less than nothing and that makes ME an asshole? No “friends” that makes me a fucking SAINT.

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I know what being a partner is like.  I gave KF the relatively simple task of covering a post slot and he botches it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the hero of Enter the Dragon. For his transgression he must now where a dunce cap whenever blogging.  I apologize to all of Bruce Lee’s millions of fans around the world.

This also provides me an interesting opportunity to illustrate the difference between “hard work” for a winner (me and Bruce Lee) and hard work for a loser (you). Winners work hard when it matters.

Side note: Check out this loser response to a bad review http://abovethelaw.com/2010/02/in-house_counseling_dont_fall.php#more

Bruce Lee and I have alot in common. To illustrate my point take my perfect abs. I do sit-ups everyday? Why? Because my body notices each sit-up. My body is never having lunch, out of the office, on another floor etc., when I am doing sit-ups.

Now let’s take work. Does my boss notice everything I do? Does the client? I work at a major law firm in Philadelphia. I bill well into the bonus pool. But if I am in the office before 11 AM there is breakfast and if I am there after 3:30 I am getting ready for softball. I take long lunch breaks too, sometimes I go home and nap.  And you know what? The partners use extra lip balm before they kiss my ass.  Some people ask about the sound of one hand clapping, I ask which is more impossible, my losing my job or my getting fat? I’m just saying I could publish confidential information in the New York times and I could eat a wedding cake all by myself and this guy is still working AND looking good.

 As for the billables…figure it out. But before you judge me consider this: does it hurt the firm? No. In fact they profit greatly from this. Does it hurt the client? No. If the work product wasn’t worth what we were asking they would go elsewhere. Plus I am confident 30 minutes of actual work on my part is the rough equivalent of four hours of a reasonably competent colleague. My reviews would indicate the same. This also allows me to be well rested in the case of an actual work emergency that actually requires a rockstar like me.

Now some wet blanket always brings up professional responsibility. Well riddle me this…is it my professional responsibility to get laid off? I think not. Lots of lawyers who fulfilled their “professional responsibility” are in the breadline right now. I prefer the partner track. Again read my review.

Sorry for the digression. ANYway losers view hard work like exercise and believe in it like it’s a religion. If I show up early and do my best everyday eventually I will get ahead. Tortoise and the Hare. Hmmmm…yeah that never happens in real life. A Hare is a swift animal. A Tortoise can’t even die quickly,  I know because I hit one once (might have been a turtle THANK HEAVEN It wasn’t the BMW). But the loser response is to just work harder, expecting somehow different results.

You’re welcome in advance for another hard truth. Now if you’ll excuse me it’s near the end of the month and I have to start filling out my timesheets.

[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I can still see the red lights on the dash. I can still feel the way it handled sharp turns. I remember the perfect control of a clutch-less manual transmission. I miss my BMW. Its not that I don’t love my Mustang…at least the Mustang was brand-spanking new off the lot. Still, the Princess looks at me different…and every time she does its emasculating, my perfect six-pack abs aside.

You would think though that I could still drive my old car in my dreams. But no. I get rudely awakened by a call at 8 AM…well maybe 830, 830ish, from my mom telling me my little sister has been defaulting on her student loans. She then has the audacity to ask me why I’m not at work and ask me for ten grand in the same sentence. What. The. FUCK!!!

For those of you losers who can’t pay your bills but CAN actually add you are probably thinking ten grand is probably the difference between a low mileage used 3 series and a new Ford Mustang. Fuck that. I told my mom she shouldn’t have cosigned for the loans (she sure as hell didn’t cosign for mine) and not to call before 11 AM. Ever. Maybe it was more like ten when she called.

All right, before you call me an asshole consider this: I could have kept my car and simply missed a student loan payment or two. I could have kept my car by asking relatives for a little cash to keep the wheels greased. And yes the Princess could have gotten her ass a job (sorry honey but its true). But no, I took responsibility for my loans and gave up the thing that mattered most. What kind of brother would I be if I didn’t impart this lesson to my little sister? I promptly picked up the phone and cursed her the hell out. Then I took the liberty of canceling her cell phone and posting her car on craig’s list. It’s a cute little miata, email if interested.

Point is kids, before you go lamenting your lack of help consider the person in your exact same position who did it all by themselves. Then instead of asking for a handout ask for a tutorial. You’re in debt? So what?! The average crack head spends their entire existence in debt, are operating with only a thimble full of brain cells and they owe money to a lot scarier people than Sallie Mae. They miss a payment and it’s a shiv in the kidney not a blemish on a credit report. Yet Benny’s on the corner doing just fine every day when I walk to work.

For all you who read this just for kicks and actually have jobs, who are probably thinking I’m a monster, can you honestly say you’ve EVER given a family member a substantial sum of money and not later resented them for it? Before you go thinking you’re better than everybody else you do realize that the average family pulls the plug on grandma after the insurance runs out lest it eat into the vacation fund? You’re not special. Your behavior is the exact same as everyone else. The difference between you and me is while you’re rationalizing your own behavior to fit in with your self-authored moral code I’m thinking about ways to get an even better car than the one I lost. Don’t be the one holding onto the bumper when I drive it off the lot.