As far as I’m concerned the show should be called One and a Half Men…and Charlie Sheen is that one and a half.  Charlie Sheen gets alot of attention for being the (former) highest paid TV actor. Who cares? TV is for losers, it’s like contract work in the legal world. That’s not what makes Sheen rich. Sheen is rich because he has so much damn time on his hands. You have this wealth of time too, and in a similar environment of zero accountability, easy access to drugs and loose women…where showing up for work for two hours a day does actually induce others to give you kudos.  This place is called Academia.  Let me put it another way.  What does the best law school in the country (Yale) produce? Law Professors.  Why? Law Professors aren’t rich after all (though they make more money than most of us ever will).  The reason is that in academia you have TIME and ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

Trust me on this one.  As a bro I competed with law professors to take slam pieces to pound town all the time.  I had to let a number of the professors see me take pictures of them with my phone in order to scare them away from my prey.  Also as an actor, even I pass up most opportunities for pilots in favor of small roles in films and the occasional commercial.  Why? Look at the Mac Book kid.  He hocs computers for a couple of years and suddenly he’s standing next to Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.  Ever see that kid on “How I Met Your Mother?” Hell no.

This is supposed to be one of those rare uplifting posts.  Work with me kids.

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Swinging is like going into alot of debt for a prestigious school.  Yeah it sounds like a good idea and will almost certainly lead to a reliable casual sex partner but when broken down and examined it actually is a bad idea. Why? Because you are REQUIRED to give up something of value for only A CHANCE of getting something of equal (or if you’re lucky slightly greater) value in return. Plus if I wanted to screw your woman I’d just do it- I certainly wouldn’t let you screw mine.

So let me get this straight. I am going to trade the CERTAIN knowledge that my girlfriend is getting violated in the next room so some random chick can pick my watch out of a bowl?Now you might be thinking well if you end up screwing another girl of same or equal hotness on balance you did well right? WRONG! You aren’t considering the possibility that you could have gotten a girl like the one youre hitting without having to resort to swinging. It’s like trading your car in at the car dealership for a different model when they are giving cars away across the street. Even if you get a slightly nicer car are you really better off?

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I had forgotten why I so rarely use facebook until I saw some headshots of mine from ‘09.  Wow. It’s not that I am just attractive simply in that I have all the features that attract women and none that repel them and that they are superior to all the males around me. I am a living, breathing work of art that appeals to some deep seated ability to appreciate beauty. I look so good that I think aliens who had never seen a human would not only appreciate me but somehow sense that I was special, one of a kind. Who knows? Perhaps I’ve saved the world and don’t even know it! Hours later I could only tear myself away from my laptop to run to the mirror to confirm that it was indeed I in those pictures…and it turns out my looks have actually IMPROVED since then.  I’d still be staring at myself now if the Princess hadn’t steamed up the mirror with a shower. Of course by then my beautiful image was gone, a screensaver in it’s place.
So what does a god look like? Imagine a better-looking Tom Brady. I honestly pity each and every one of you who have never seen my face. But here is my dilemma. When you look this good don’t you sort of owe it to society to become a model?
This bothered me for the rest of the evening. I of course am an actor and a musician. I have plenty of opportunities to address gatherings as an attorney. People see, know and love my face. Am I doing the world a disservice because I in my vanity wanted to utilize all my superior talents including intellect and creativity instead of focusing on the most striking one?
Once again I was greatly distressed. What if the burden of this immaculate physical form actually caused it’s first imperfection in the form of microscopic wrinkles in my flawless skin due to a constantly furroughed brow?

In any event, this month instead of my student loan check I am sending in my headshots.  I’m to pretty to be in debt.

People, I look good. I was just looking at some pictures of myself from a 4th of July party.  I mean I look spectacular. Paparazzi would have to follow me for weeks just to even have a chance at a bad shot. You know who looks terrible though? These Bush era big oil attorneys testifying in front of Congress. They are wrinkly, pale, flabby and have the stink of deceit on them. Haven’t they ever heard of face men?

Then it hit me. That’s where my next job is – big oil. If defending rich individual murderers gets you paid then imagine how much bank is in defending industrial murderers? AAAnnnd you don’t have to spend years in the DAs office working for slave wages.

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Money.  It’s the answer to alot of questions.  Fat White Men make more money if they are conservative.  Blonde College Dropout Bartenders make more money if they act slutty.  I could have titled this post “Why Young White Male Lawyers Like Myself Routinely Turn in Fraudulent Timesheets” but then Benito would have gotten on my ass.  Alot of things lead to money though, for instance hard work. Yet, I couldn’t entitle this post “Why the Average American Works Hard.”  There is a difference between money and money.

Money in the first sense means “decadence.”  That money is for luxury cars, flat screen televisions, pre-furnished condos.  Money in the second sense means a first house, sending children to good schools, saving for retirement, etc. Maybe money isn’t the full answer.  Let’s try and answer the title questions again.

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[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

Ok, I might have said some things that were exagerations. I might have gotten carried away with this whole blogging thing. Being in debt is stressful but If I offended anyone well… Fill in the blank.

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[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I know what being a partner is like.  I gave KF the relatively simple task of covering a post slot and he botches it. Everyone knows Bruce Lee was the hero of Enter the Dragon. For his transgression he must now where a dunce cap whenever blogging.  I apologize to all of Bruce Lee’s millions of fans around the world.

This also provides me an interesting opportunity to illustrate the difference between “hard work” for a winner (me and Bruce Lee) and hard work for a loser (you). Winners work hard when it matters.

Side note: Check out this loser response to a bad review http://abovethelaw.com/2010/02/in-house_counseling_dont_fall.php#more

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[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I can still see the red lights on the dash. I can still feel the way it handled sharp turns. I remember the perfect control of a clutch-less manual transmission. I miss my BMW. Its not that I don’t love my Mustang…at least the Mustang was brand-spanking new off the lot. Still, the Princess looks at me different…and every time she does its emasculating, my perfect six-pack abs aside.

You would think though that I could still drive my old car in my dreams. But no. I get rudely awakened by a call at 8 AM…well maybe 830, 830ish, from my mom telling me my little sister has been defaulting on her student loans. She then has the audacity to ask me why I’m not at work and ask me for ten grand in the same sentence. What. The. FUCK!!!

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