Why is Ashton Krutcher still relevant? He snagged himself a cougar named Demi Moore. He took Demi Moore from Bruce Willis. Bruce FUCKING Willis. I think I can take Todd Palin. His name is Todd for heavens sake.

Alpha Man’s rant got me thinking. Why not work for her campaign, start sleeping with her, be her shoulder to cry on when she divorces Todd in 2014 to take the country’s attention off the horrible job she’s doing as Prez. And then marry her a month before she’s up for re-election?

Now I know, I know she’s already haggard-looking and by 2014 she’s 50. And by the time we’re married she’ll have great grand children if the next Palin generation is anything like the preceding ones. Yeah there are her slutty daughters but Bristol is no looker and it’s too early to tell about the others. But hear me out. I rarely talk about my cougar conquests but there have been some doozies. Plus once I am in front of that camera and get the type of exposure the Palins get it’s over folks. It really is. I look that good and the sound of my voice is addictive. I am like Dickie V. To a college basketball fan.

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I’m not doing well folks. I’ve had a series of financial and career (or lack thereof) humiliations that are still so traumatically fresh I can’t even blog about them. They are also so outlandish that to describe them would likely lead to other specifics being known about my life that I want to keep private. So I turn to my shame diary. I won’t tell you what’s in it but I will tell you what it is, how to use it and how to tell if you need it.

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As you might imagine there isn’t much to occupy my time now that people are going out less and studying more. I found an undergrad who showed me how to scan documents into Word files so I can rip off commercial outlines and distribute them in my study groups. So, with the time on my hands I have come up with some schemes to make myself some cash when the semester ends. I will devote this ones to the legal schemes…get it? Pun intended.

First of course has to do with text books. I found out when and where a set of major exams are occuring at each of the three Universities within easy commuting distance and I am placing a large recepticle outside that says DONATE USED TEXTBOOKS. I will collect them and sell them on E-bay.

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 for one don’t give as many tips as I used to because I am tired of being the only one with entries under “questionable advice.” But ok, even my co-bloggers can’t object to a guy defending his girlfriend which is half the reason I am writing this.

Look, everything you do you do to get ahead. Your recreation is drinking and golf even if you detest both. You read WSJ regardless of your political leanings. And as far as dating goes you have two options: you date rich or you date HOT. Not real world hot. Sports Illustrated Maxim Hot. I chose the latter.

Dating rich is obvious particularly for those six figure student loan debtors among us. The price of dating rich (and probably less hot than you are able) is fidelity. Cheating on someone richer than you is scandalous. Cheating on someone poorer than you is a break-up/divorce.

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One of the great things about summer is that teachers and adjunct professors are off for the summer so I can pose as one and in certain circumstances pass for a productive member of society.  This benefits you the reader because it allows me to emerge from my basement cave, interact with people and provide you with posts that are heavier on the advice and lighter on the reflection.  This post is for all you unemployed and underemployed folks.

The good news is you will probably get a job some day if you keep looking. It will probably even be tangentially related to your education or what you used to do before.  The bad news is that you will most likely be a “journey man” and your peers who have not suffered as you have will not understand.

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Nothing beats a little good old-fashioned emasculation.  When I asked Benito why he didn’t do me the courtesy of mentioning my ex (who’s pen name is [new guy]’s boyfriend) decided to write a post about how I am a failure his explanation began with “when I was watching the View with mother…” I immediately knew concepts of pride and dignity were a bit out of his grasp.  So allow me to come to my own defense AND offer a little bit of advice to all of you in debtor’s prison: Make New Friends.

Why? Because if your debt has gotten to the point that you are not noticeably as financially successful as your old friends think you should be or if their are more obvious signs (like being out on your ass) your friends are always going to see you through that certain lense. 

Keep going, err reading…

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Hi kids.  So a buddy of mine just got laid off.  He’s in the very early stages of dealing with it.  Right now he is still looking for someone to blame.  It’s a sad situation.  He was supporting his live-in girlfriend who came with a freeloading half-brother with a drug problem and a dog who likes to pee on expensive things.  His folks are down on their luck as well and he was throwing a few dollars to his sister whose still in school and his mom and dad who are trying not to fall further behind on rent.

When I got the news I went into business mode, the way a doctor would if someone told him that they guy two rows over was having a heart attack.  Unlike a doctor though my efforts and expertise were unappreciated.  I was called insensitive and a bunch of other names.  I was reminded that I was still unemployed and the worst possible thing for anyone to imagine was a life that was in any way similar to my own.  Thanks.

But you guys here in Debtor’s Prison need to know what to do when the ax falls.  Because we are emotional creatures its impossible to have the conversation once you actually do lose your job (just like you can’t take Karate lessons once you’re being mugged).  So without further ado here is how you survive a layoff 1) move 2) get unemployment and 3) defer your loans.  More details after the break.

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I didn’t realize this until Benito pointed it out: the difference between a market driven and an expertise driven credential. As you know I have been jaded lately and I think the root of all apathy in the medical field comes when you begin to view your daily grind as a job like any other. That was certainly part of my problem. Because I thought of it as a job like any other I assumed the degree that went with other jobs (JDs, PhDs, MAs and MBAs as opposed to MDs) were expertise driven. Doctors need MDs to demonstrate basic competence or people die. Benito then reminded me that not every job is a matter of life and death no matter how much Mike Triforce hams it up when he has a filing deadline. Here’s Benito to tell you what the differences are between credentials as part of our first 200 level class on student debt.

Hi kids. Consider this part of an effort to get back on track as near as it relates to our core mission of providing meaningful advice,insights and commentary into what affects us as student debtors. This is a 200 level commentary because it is a bit more abstract than simply factoring in the effect of taxes and interest on your monthly bottom line. This has to do with assigning a value to the education you received in order to be better informed when it comes to making a decision if the education juice is worth the financial squeeze. Read on to learn how.

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Hi Kids. The majority of you are in one of three boats: considering debt to go to school, accruing debt while in school, and paying/failing to pay off debt after school. Regardless of your state I hope you are not living at home with your mother…or more aptly put I hope your mother doesn’t view you as a failure…or at least if she does not tell you every day, out of context and at random times.

Moving on I have a few tips for the crew of each boat. Hopefully it will help you avoid my fate.
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[Original content temporarily suspended as a professional courteousy until the ethical investigation is complete. Older posts that failed to make the original cut will be rotated and substituted. If you have any questions, thoughts, concerns and most importantly if you need a copy of the ORIGINAL POST please contact nick@debtorsprison.com]

I got into the office uncharacteristically early because the Princess’ foghorn-like snoring kept waking me up. I stumbled upon this link (Link, get it?) from ATL

http://abovethelaw.com/2010/03/mutiny_at_mayer_brown.php#comments

For those too lazy to follow the link two kids who got deferred from their law firm made a stink about it. Over 300 comments followed, most stating the obvious: they’re ruined. Here’s what the two plucky bastards SHOULD have done, particularly if their deferment came with free money.

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