Once upon a time when I worked the sort of job people who spend alot on their educations hope to land post school I remember getting on one of my periodic assessments “needs to work on people skills” which is one of two comments you make to a young black professional you are trying to hold down.  The other is of course “lacks professionalism” for the gregarious, easy-going, well-liked friendly types.  News flash people! I am not FUCKING here to amuse you. You want a black man who will dance go watch a Tyler Perry movie.

It’s not that I can’t be funny. My daily comings and goings present a rich variety of material.  Currently I work in one of the food trucks on UPenn’s campus. Some freshman girl asked for the calorie count menu and wanted to order the lowest-cal thing. Now keep in mind this is the peak of lunch, our line is a mile long and their our a dozen other trucks within a block’s radius. I tell her our meatball sandwich is zero calories. She looked at me skeptically and I said we could do that because our truck was vegeterian (which it was). She buys it.

So of course the next day she comes up and demands a refund. I tell her to come back between the hours of 8-10 or 4-7 to speak to our claims department. The day after when she returned I convinced her we were here and that she just didn’t know the campus very well. The day after that I apologized and told her to write our corporate headquarters in NY and gave her the address from 30 Rock. As far as I know she’s still waiting for a refund. Her major? Double in Chem and Finance.  So sad.

So I am sorry if my reads aren’t always a lark. But that’s why this blog has multiple writers. But of anyone was wondering my what favorite joke is it is a knock-knock joke told by Tom Hank’s character in “Catch Me If You Can”

Money.  It’s the answer to alot of questions.  Fat White Men make more money if they are conservative.  Blonde College Dropout Bartenders make more money if they act slutty.  I could have titled this post “Why Young White Male Lawyers Like Myself Routinely Turn in Fraudulent Timesheets” but then Benito would have gotten on my ass.  Alot of things lead to money though, for instance hard work. Yet, I couldn’t entitle this post “Why the Average American Works Hard.”  There is a difference between money and money.

Money in the first sense means “decadence.”  That money is for luxury cars, flat screen televisions, pre-furnished condos.  Money in the second sense means a first house, sending children to good schools, saving for retirement, etc. Maybe money isn’t the full answer.  Let’s try and answer the title questions again.

It’s easy.  Being conservative is not a nuanced philosophy.  Money, lip-service to God and Country, unborn children = good.  Minorities, women, environment = bad.  Even a ditz with a retard factory between her legs can stumble through an interview with a few well-placed notes on her hand.  Similarly, acting slutty is easy.  I love the Princess, but bless her heart, she’s one of the laziest creatures I’ve ever seen.  She approaches her job with the enthusiasm of a Quaker Army recruiter – yet she makes up for it with sluttiness. 

Still not quite satisfied.  I mean, technically the easiest political philosophy is my own – simply act in your immediate best interest and use the time others waste on politics to get ahead.  I do conservative things like discriminate when it serves my interest, yet I would never argue with the handful of liberal white partners (I argue with the female and minority partners because it makes me look good to the more powerful white conservative ones).  As for being slutty, I mean I am boinking the Princess and I know first hand the depraved outer limits of her sluttiness and alot of that stuff ain’t easy.

Self-loathing?  Being fat sucks.  I can only imagine.  I’ve yet to meet an attractive fat person and attractiveness has a strong correlation with earning potential in the professions, particularly Law.  Conservatism is based largely on hate directed at immutable characteristics.  Similarly, it’s one thing to work as a bar tender as a second job, or if you own the bar, or at night while you go to school, or if you love people, or if your educational opportunities are limited, or if you are just darn good at it…but a college dropout whose main source of income, no matter how it is dressed up or disguised, is ultimately her father, is a bartender for none of those reasons.  She also knows she’s not going to be hot forever.

I am not knocking fat people and obviously no post on this blog is going to argue that leaving school and either stopping the debt bleeding or spending your parents’ money on something more productive is a bad idea.  Also for the record I am not calling the Princess a slut.  A slut would have accepted the implants I offered instead of simply purchasing and augmenting oversized bras (which only works when you’re not being routinely groped or wearing low-cut tops.  Imagine my dissapointment when I first copped a drunken feel in the restroom of…wherever the hell we met). I am simply using a thought experiment to illustrate the following:

A vast amount of human behavior can be explained by filling a personal void with the most expedient pursuit of money. 

Which finally brings us full circle to the student debtor, a group not surprisingly lacking in fat conservative white men and sluttly blonde college dropout bartenders.  Is there a take home lesson here or is that the equivalent of stating most Martians have never been to Cleveland? I don’t know.  First, I’d say if you somehow manage to be in both groups you might want to make an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian  (a surprising number of suicides end in failure and your resume isn’t looking so stellar).  Second…maybe chronic student debtors and fat conservative white men/blonde college dropout slutty bartenders are two sides of the same rusty, worn-out coin.

Don’t see it?  Well, frugality, fasting and chastity are clearly part of the same shiny, righteous coin.  So close your wallet, close your legs and for the love of Jeebus put down your fork.  Abs people.

Hello my name is Benito Mario. I am a fan of the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Due to the gross incompetence and sheer inadequacy of recent films, in addition to a personal written apology I would also like you to pay my student loans. It really is the least you can do.

By way of background:Back when my life had hope I used to enjoy such classics as The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. A classic nerd, in addition to memorizing large chunks of dialogue I also had all the books from the Young Indiana Jones chronicles and the Heir to the Empire series…therefore I knew where Indiana Jones comes from and I knew what happens after Anakin finally restores balance to the force. What I didn’t know was how Anakin became Vader or what became of Indiana after he rode off into the sunset after finding the greatest treasure of all time. I spent literally 20 years thinking about the answer to these questions. It would have been nice if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had spent say, 20 minutes thinking about it.

I am not going to even attempt to break down the numerous failures of the recent films. There are entire websites devoted to that. Instead I am going to talk about how these failures have affected me.  I used to use the films as an escape from the world of school, a break of sorts. But back then I was a kid who had nothing to worry about but school and bullies and the former was more forte. In other words life wasn’t all that bad.

By the time the new films came out life wasn’t so simple. I had a debtload I was just beginning to realize was going to be a crippling burden even if I found and maintained employment on the higher end of the employment spectrum. I went to these movies because I wanted to be inspired and reminded of a time when I didn’t wake up everyday scared. Then I saw the films and the only way it would have been complete would have been if one of you took a big steaming crap in my overpriced popcorn.

As I always promise but is particularly appropriate here if you have the basic decency to fork over the 212k I won’t use it for my own debt, I will set up a trust for student debtors so that they can get some level of relief over time. You owe us at least that.

So my assignment is to fill in for Mike Triforce so I thought what better way to do that than to talk with Mike Triforce and see what’s been going on since his sabbatical from the blog began.  I will get his take on a number of recent past posts and just generally shoot the shit.  So far he has the distinction of being the only person to congratulate me on and support my decision to go to law school.

I of course asked about the “holy trinity” that is Mike Triforce and that is of course acting, music and modeling.  Before I forget, please check your abs.  Apparently acting, music, modeling…it’s all about the core.  Triforce was however too modest and too pressed for time to recount his numerous successes in each of these endeavors.  Instead he decided to focus on his success at his day job and drop a hint that he is looking, wait, my mistake, he is entertaining offers from other firms.  Losers look for jobs as Triforce always says.  Winners wait for jobs to come to them.  Winners are recruited.  Any job you have to apply for is ultimately a handout.  The man only had one quarter and yours was the outstretched hand it fell in.

Read on to find out his take on some recent posts

Mike Triforce has better things to do than sit around and read stuff posted on this blog.  It’s all he can do to keep the Princess from finding out about the hordes of women who follow him due to one or multiple facets of the “holy trinity” as he somewhat blasphemously dubs it.  He made a one-time comment on something Alpha Man wrote which I later found out Benito had to heavily edit to remove “racial overtones.”  How could a response to a black guy ranting against the nostalgia over rich white men who love horses and whips have…oh wait I get it. 

Anyway, I filled him in on a couple of posts and he had the following to say –

Nobody in debtor’s prison can make new friends. Making friends requires confidence and/or money.

Simon’s Girlfriend is not a hipster (a little too much monogamy not quite enough sexy and then there is the whole minority thing).

Why survive a layoff? God invented pills, rope and guns for a reason.  Triforce just asks that 1) don’t take it out on the winners and go shooting up an office and 2) at least have the decency to dig your own grave.  Like making the bed when you stay at a friend’s house it’s just common courtesy. 

Student Debtors can learn plenty from AA, for instance what their future holds.  Triforce asks that his name be added to the list of people you’ve wronged due to your incessant whining.

Student Debtors can declare bankruptcy the minute someone drives up to his apartment with his old BMW freshly detailed with every cent he ever paid out in student loans in the trunk with interest and the 2007 model of the Princess sitting in the front seat.

In conclusion he would like to point out that Alpha Man is homeless, Benito wears a hat to cover up an atrocious balding pattern, Icarus 30 has sent in no less than 300 postcards to www.postsecret.blogspot.com and has never seen one featured.  Erin Samus uses a dating site and has responded to no less than three Mike Triforce fake personas.  Simon’s Girlfriend is on the fast track to becoming a primary care physician and having a starting salary slightly less than Mike Triforce did with less than half the schooling in terms of years and less than 1% in terms of knowledge transfer.

Once again Mike Triforce is entertaining lucrative legal offers and enjoying employment in good standing at his firm.

Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would like you to pay my student loans AND the student loans of EVERY recent graduate of Duke University. Why? Because after receiving the honor of singing “One Shining Moment” for the 2010 NCAA Final Four you apparently insisted on having shots of yourself edited into the montage. Um, I’m sorry, what Division I men’s basketball team do you play for? Why did I see more footage of you than Jon Scheyer the senior captain of the winning team?

Normally these letters come in the form of a request but not this time. This time I am asking you to pay what you owe. Read on if you want to realize the full magnitude of what you have done or if not you want just send a check. Have your people contact the blog adminIstrator for details.

I blog about student debt and generally advise against it. But the one reason I could see for going heavily into debt is to be inspired. A national championship? Now that’s inspiring…and by no means guaranteed. Even a victory over your arch rival once in four years isn’t guaranteed. Just ask the Duke class of 2009.

Jennifer Hudson what you’ve done is taken something sacred that should be about the athletes, student fans, band members and cheerleaders and have made it about you. You’ve taken away a student’s one shining moment who already owes more dollars than records you’ve sold. These kids know the world was rooting against them even though they did nothing to deserve it. The highlight reel already barely featured them as it was. Then additional room had to be made for you. For Shame.

Pay my loans because this is my blog. Pay off the Dukie loans because you actively tried to ruin what they went into debt for.

Dear Tiger Woods,

Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pay off my student loans.  The balance is roughly 213k.  You wouldn’t just be doing me a solid, instead of ACTUALLY paying off my loans I would use the money to create a trust to pay off the student loans of one faithful reader of debtor’s prison…someone whose loans are far smaller than mine such that the trust would be renewable.  I also wrote to Pepsi Refresh and pitched a similar idea.  Do you endorse Pepsi? I guess you don’t really endorse anyone anymore. Plus it would give me something to do.  I am unemployed and I live with my mother.

I suppose you’re wondering why, besides the fact that you are a household name and on pace to be the first billionaire athlete, I have come to you with this shameless handout.  The truth is we have something very important in common. And that’s shame.

First a confession.  There are three types of people with respect to golf: those who watch golf because they like it, those who watch because of you, and those who still don’t care.  I am most accurately described as a member of the third category.  Truth is, I hate golf.  Why? Because its a representation of a world I worked my whole life to join only to have the door shut in my face.  I used to at least console myself with the fact that golf  must be exceedingly boring, but then my friend got a Wii.  If real golf is half as fun as Wii golf then I am insanely jealous.

But back to you and I.  First, I am aware you are the greatest golfer in the world.  I am also aware that I am not the smartest and therefore there is an imperfection in this analogy as it pertains to degree.  Still, both of us were prepared since birth for something.  You for golf and I for, let’s call it, the American Dream.  Our parents started us when we were young, you exceled at your golfing exercises and I at my academic ones.  At Stanford you racked up golfing accolades as I ruled the Dean’s List.

Fast forward.  You cheat on your wife.  I am told I have three months to find another job.  You cheat on your wife again.  I fail to find another job.  You cheat on your wife again.  I fail to find another job.  This continues for a time, then you drive your truck into a…tree was it? And I am let go.  You are shamed with the stigma of an adulterer and I stigma of being unemployed.  But for us its so much worse.  You had the storybook marriage and I the storybook education.  These things weren’t supposed to happen for us.  Our faces burn with shame every single day.

So please pay my student loans.  In so doing you will be providing student debt relief for as long as I can keep the trust going.

Dear Mr. Tyler:

My name is Benito Mario and it is my humble request that you pay my student loans.  You may wonder why I am writing you specifically for this undeserved handout.  Mostly its because your decision to forego your senior year of HIGH SCHOOL not college is causing your name to trend highly on yahoo at the moment I am sitting down to write this before I get to a more serious post.

There are other reasons though.  You and I are actually alot alike.  Read on to find out how.

You and are alot alike Mr. Tyler.  We both realize the limits of education.  You will forego school to make a fortune, I paid a fortune to go to school.  You are foregoing a high school diploma for paper worth something, I paid alot for several graduate level diplomas worth nothing but the value of their paper.  We have mustaches.  Both are perhaps ill-adviced.

We’ve also faced adversity.  After working hard for almost 20 years to excel academically, I find myself over-qualified for most jobs, unemployed and drowning in debt.  After…living for almost 20 years to excel at basketball you find yourself under-qualified for the NBA and college ball since you failed to graduate from high school.  I owe about 210k and you made 140k, both divisible by 70k.  Ok, that’s a stretch.  I actually owe 213k, well 212k and change.  While that’s more than what you’ve made to date technically, I am sure you’ll meander your way into the NBA before any of these other celebrities who have already made it will actually do me the courtesy of returning my letter.

Well keep your chin up.  As a fellow grown-man having gone back to living with his mother after failing in his first outing into the real world I can tell you that you eventually get numb enough to the shame that you can at least function on a daily basis.  We are a part of a special brotherhood.  And that’s why you should pay off my debt and invite me to join your entourage once you make it big.

Dear Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner,

Hello, my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me the money to pay off my student loans.  I am writing you with this shameful request for an undeserved handout mostly because I am hoping your names will add hits to my new, floundering blog.  Truth be told I am not familiar with the works you are most famous for, but I have seen you guys on the Daily Show and hosting SNL respectively and from what I can tell you guys seem alright.

I first googled your names during one of my stints as an RA so I would have some common ground with the freshmen girls who failed to make friends (and thus were stuck with their RA on a Friday or Saturday night).  When that method proved effective I tried to actually read the novel(s) your works are based on.  I figured I was a fan of Ann Rice and that Twilight would be similar.  I read page one and to make a long story short my new plan for paying off my student loans is to write a best selling novel about vampires by getting a bunch of gerbils drunk and letting them run loose on the keyboard.  The back up plan is painting a black cape on my friend’s white rabbit and have him audition for the lead in “Bunnicula” which is scheduled for an early 2012 release date.  This regulates begging celebrities I don’t know personally to my back up back up plan, so really by the time this letter finds either of you I could have paid off my student loans and then some.

I was going to add Kirsten Stewart to this letter, but I don’ t find her very attractive…not that I find either of you attractive, it’s just I am confused by young famous actresses who aren’t.  I mean in addition to having to deal with Vampires and Werewolves I have to believe that Kirsten Stewart is the hottest thing these immortal beings who have seen countless women over hundreds of years have ever seen? She looks like my buddy’s first girlfriend and news flash! we were losers.  I’m not saying she’s ugly.  I am also not saying her prom date is a member of the chess club.  He’s just not quarterback of the football team and he probably doesn’t have his own car.

Anyway, my loans are about 213k but if you agree to give me that money it is my pledge that rather than use that money to simply save my own neck and salvage the rest of my wasted life I will instead use the entirety of the amount, less applicable taxes, to start a scholarship fund for student debtors whose spirits haven’t been permanently crushed like mine have.  Thank you for your time.

Dear Ms.  Spears,

My name is Benito Mario and I am a fair weather fan and well wisher (in that I don’t wish you any particular harm). I find you to be an excellent dancer, good mother, adequate singer and a better actress than every rapper save Will Smith, Ludacris, Most Def and LL Cool J. That said I would appreciate it greatly if you could find it in your heart to pay the balance of my student loans and related expenses which are approximately $212,047. With interest, new defaults and penalties that amount is subject to change. Please read on so that I might explain why I have singled you out for this handout request.

To be honest I chose you in part because you are very rich (assuming of course you are currently in control of your own finances) and I am hoping by mentioning your name on my blog a small fraction of your many fans will visit this site, raising my hit total and thus burgeoning my crippled self-esteem. I also honestly believe your fan base would benefit from the content of this site given their particular demographic.

There is more however.  We have something in common besides December birthdays. Both of us were once atop our respective worlds, mine academic and yours entertainment, and both of us believed the establishment myth that having obtained a certain level of achievement it would all be relatively smooth sailing from here. Once the lie was exposed we were caught in a downward spiral and given our positions of privilege not only did we fail to garner much sympathy but also had many delight in our fall. You in particular were in the unfortunate position of having all of your mistakes documented in the media. I am not denying reality. You are an attractive, rich, multi-talented superstar and I am an over-educated lump living at home with his mother. By all accounts you have a vibrant presence while I am usually described as ornery and disagreeable.

Still we are both at a stage where we realize that we will never have certain experiences. You will never have a normal young adulthood. I will never move out of my mother’s house and build the necessary confidence to attract a mate. As such, it is my pledge to you that if you fulfill my obnoxious, undeserved request I will use the money, lest applicable taxes, to start a scholarship fund for student debtors as opposed to paying off my own debt and trying to salvage what’s left of my own broken life.

I hope this letter has found you well. I wish you the best in your future endeavors and thank you for considering my request.

Sincerely,

Benito Mario

So I was watching Enter the Dragon while enjoying a glass of Chardonnay thinking about how to articulate my position to the brick-headed philistines among you. Then I had it. I am what you would call a “Gentleman Debtor” just like the hero of Enter the Dragon – Mr. Roper.

I have no idea what accounts for the popularity of his ethnic sidekicks. One died in the movie, one died in real life…maybe it’s a sympathy thing. All I know is Roper beats the meanest ugliest dude on the island, Bolo, and he is the most unscathed at the end.

Roper has debt. He owes 75k (in 1973 dollars) and has less than $70 in the bank. He still spends his time on the golf course and has a remarkably hot assistant. When goons ask him to pay he whips there butts!

Also look at the way Roper is treated. Unlike the Asian guy and black guy who are captured and interrogated Mr. Roper is treated with the utmost respect. He is offered a job and a way out of debt.

Does Roper take the job? Heck no! Why? Because the job while nice wasn’t perfect. Roper didn’t like the implied threat of death if he failed or double crossed the boss. Now remember he killed the black guy for much less and he knew none of the details of the entire operation. But does he kill Roper? No! He merely makes him fight his sidekick. Again Roper refuses. Does he die? No, he simply fights someone else. And wins. The movie ends rather abruptly but it is heavily implied that Roper is made into a hero and his debts absolved and then some.

Now of course that was just a movie. In real life no goons are going to show up and demand I pay my student debt. No white guy is going to beat an Asian guy in Kung Fu. I would bitchsmack Triforce back to Britain, perfect abs aside. The moral though holds true – a different set of rules apply to Gentlemen, not because of what we’ve done but because who we are.
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