Once upon a time when I worked the sort of job people who spend alot on their educations hope to land post school I remember getting on one of my periodic assessments “needs to work on people skills” which is one of two comments you make to a young black professional you are trying to hold down.  The other is of course “lacks professionalism” for the gregarious, easy-going, well-liked friendly types.  News flash people! I am not FUCKING here to amuse you. You want a black man who will dance go watch a Tyler Perry movie.

It’s not that I can’t be funny. My daily comings and goings present a rich variety of material.  Currently I work in one of the food trucks on UPenn’s campus. Some freshman girl asked for the calorie count menu and wanted to order the lowest-cal thing. Now keep in mind this is the peak of lunch, our line is a mile long and their our a dozen other trucks within a block’s radius. I tell her our meatball sandwich is zero calories. She looked at me skeptically and I said we could do that because our truck was vegeterian (which it was). She buys it.

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Money.  It’s the answer to alot of questions.  Fat White Men make more money if they are conservative.  Blonde College Dropout Bartenders make more money if they act slutty.  I could have titled this post “Why Young White Male Lawyers Like Myself Routinely Turn in Fraudulent Timesheets” but then Benito would have gotten on my ass.  Alot of things lead to money though, for instance hard work. Yet, I couldn’t entitle this post “Why the Average American Works Hard.”  There is a difference between money and money.

Money in the first sense means “decadence.”  That money is for luxury cars, flat screen televisions, pre-furnished condos.  Money in the second sense means a first house, sending children to good schools, saving for retirement, etc. Maybe money isn’t the full answer.  Let’s try and answer the title questions again.

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Hello my name is Benito Mario. I am a fan of the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Due to the gross incompetence and sheer inadequacy of recent films, in addition to a personal written apology I would also like you to pay my student loans. It really is the least you can do.

By way of background:Back when my life had hope I used to enjoy such classics as The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. A classic nerd, in addition to memorizing large chunks of dialogue I also had all the books from the Young Indiana Jones chronicles and the Heir to the Empire series…therefore I knew where Indiana Jones comes from and I knew what happens after Anakin finally restores balance to the force. What I didn’t know was how Anakin became Vader or what became of Indiana after he rode off into the sunset after finding the greatest treasure of all time. I spent literally 20 years thinking about the answer to these questions. It would have been nice if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had spent say, 20 minutes thinking about it.

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So my assignment is to fill in for Mike Triforce so I thought what better way to do that than to talk with Mike Triforce and see what’s been going on since his sabbatical from the blog began.  I will get his take on a number of recent past posts and just generally shoot the shit.  So far he has the distinction of being the only person to congratulate me on and support my decision to go to law school.

I of course asked about the “holy trinity” that is Mike Triforce and that is of course acting, music and modeling.  Before I forget, please check your abs.  Apparently acting, music, modeling…it’s all about the core.  Triforce was however too modest and too pressed for time to recount his numerous successes in each of these endeavors.  Instead he decided to focus on his success at his day job and drop a hint that he is looking, wait, my mistake, he is entertaining offers from other firms.  Losers look for jobs as Triforce always says.  Winners wait for jobs to come to them.  Winners are recruited.  Any job you have to apply for is ultimately a handout.  The man only had one quarter and yours was the outstretched hand it fell in.

Read on to find out his take on some recent posts

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Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would like you to pay my student loans AND the student loans of EVERY recent graduate of Duke University. Why? Because after receiving the honor of singing “One Shining Moment” for the 2010 NCAA Final Four you apparently insisted on having shots of yourself edited into the montage. Um, I’m sorry, what Division I men’s basketball team do you play for? Why did I see more footage of you than Jon Scheyer the senior captain of the winning team?

Normally these letters come in the form of a request but not this time. This time I am asking you to pay what you owe. Read on if you want to realize the full magnitude of what you have done or if not you want just send a check. Have your people contact the blog adminIstrator for details.

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Dear Tiger Woods,

Hello my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would pay off my student loans.  The balance is roughly 213k.  You wouldn’t just be doing me a solid, instead of ACTUALLY paying off my loans I would use the money to create a trust to pay off the student loans of one faithful reader of debtor’s prison…someone whose loans are far smaller than mine such that the trust would be renewable.  I also wrote to Pepsi Refresh and pitched a similar idea.  Do you endorse Pepsi? I guess you don’t really endorse anyone anymore. Plus it would give me something to do.  I am unemployed and I live with my mother.

I suppose you’re wondering why, besides the fact that you are a household name and on pace to be the first billionaire athlete, I have come to you with this shameless handout.  The truth is we have something very important in common. And that’s shame.

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Dear Mr. Tyler:

My name is Benito Mario and it is my humble request that you pay my student loans.  You may wonder why I am writing you specifically for this undeserved handout.  Mostly its because your decision to forego your senior year of HIGH SCHOOL not college is causing your name to trend highly on yahoo at the moment I am sitting down to write this before I get to a more serious post.

There are other reasons though.  You and I are actually alot alike.  Read on to find out how.

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Dear Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner,

Hello, my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me the money to pay off my student loans.  I am writing you with this shameful request for an undeserved handout mostly because I am hoping your names will add hits to my new, floundering blog.  Truth be told I am not familiar with the works you are most famous for, but I have seen you guys on the Daily Show and hosting SNL respectively and from what I can tell you guys seem alright.

I first googled your names during one of my stints as an RA so I would have some common ground with the freshmen girls who failed to make friends (and thus were stuck with their RA on a Friday or Saturday night).  When that method proved effective I tried to actually read the novel(s) your works are based on.  I figured I was a fan of Ann Rice and that Twilight would be similar.  I read page one and to make a long story short my new plan for paying off my student loans is to write a best selling novel about vampires by getting a bunch of gerbils drunk and letting them run loose on the keyboard.  The back up plan is painting a black cape on my friend’s white rabbit and have him audition for the lead in “Bunnicula” which is scheduled for an early 2012 release date.  This regulates begging celebrities I don’t know personally to my back up back up plan, so really by the time this letter finds either of you I could have paid off my student loans and then some.

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Dear Ms.  Spears,

My name is Benito Mario and I am a fair weather fan and well wisher (in that I don’t wish you any particular harm). I find you to be an excellent dancer, good mother, adequate singer and a better actress than every rapper save Will Smith, Ludacris, Most Def and LL Cool J. That said I would appreciate it greatly if you could find it in your heart to pay the balance of my student loans and related expenses which are approximately $212,047. With interest, new defaults and penalties that amount is subject to change. Please read on so that I might explain why I have singled you out for this handout request.

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So I was watching Enter the Dragon while enjoying a glass of Chardonnay thinking about how to articulate my position to the brick-headed philistines among you. Then I had it. I am what you would call a “Gentleman Debtor” just like the hero of Enter the Dragon – Mr. Roper.

I have no idea what accounts for the popularity of his ethnic sidekicks. One died in the movie, one died in real life…maybe it’s a sympathy thing. All I know is Roper beats the meanest ugliest dude on the island, Bolo, and he is the most unscathed at the end.
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