One of the few respites I have from the monotonous shame that is my existence is Calvin and Hobbes. One of the things Calvin and Hobbes enjoy is playing a game called “Calvin Ball” a nonsensical game where you make rules as you go and the only consistent aspect seems to be wearing a mask and using a volleyball. Life is not supposed to be like that. But it is.

I still feel that shame is by far the worst part of my lot. It’s not the poverty. It’s not watching the debt for a useless item I worked hard for grow. However, if I had to choose a second, I would say it is the feeling of unfairness or more accurately, that somebody changed the rules of this life game I’ve been playing at the most inopportune time.

Think of life as a race say, across the country. Then, at just the precise moment when you’ve exhausted most of your resources building a comfortable lead suddenly the race is for the opposite coast from the one you’d been heading toward. That’s how I feel when I am alone in the woods and there is no immediate shame trigger.

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The year too. And I have to tell you, morale is at an all time low. Except for me. I am having a good time, a much better time than I had in college, and it certainly beats my mother’s couch. I spend money like the Federal Government – I just raise my debt ceiling. The only real decisions I have to make is 1) whether to transfer to a better law school and 2) should I stop sleeping with classmates and undergrads and learn how to approach real women. Mike Triforce is in favor of both.

First let’s talk transfer. I got a lousy LSAT score and it took me seven years to graduate from college which I eventually did with a very mediocre GPA. Listening to Triforce I am officially 3rd in my class, and if a certain someone should lose her battle with bulemia and another drops out due to (my) alleged honor code violations I could be first. But I didn’t stay in college 7 years because I embrace change.

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Hi assholes! Here’s a poem for you

There once was a man named Wenis…

Forget it.  I don’t feel like rhyming despite the sarcastic remarks about why I should “stick to my 5th grade rhymes and stop trying to address serious issues.” And yes I deleted the comment and then quoted in the body of a post.  Sue me.  Particularly if you’re an unemployed lawyer.  It will give you something to do.

ANYway, since I will be the first to admit my last post on this subject was a little garbled, I am going to try again by simply pointing out one reason why suicide can be an action taken by a rational individual.  I cannot stress enough that 1) my writing this does not mean I personally am “suicidal” or 2) that suicide is or is ever the right decision.  Regardless of one’s faculties for logic the rammifications of such a violent act can never be fully predicted and the decision can never be overturned or mitigated.  Suicide makes no sense just like the death-penalty makes no sense from that perspective.

All right, on to the point.  A reason why suicide is statistically higher amongst our marginalized peers is that consciously or not, our life’s goal from a financial perspective is to achieve a zero networth, and to never be hounded about our loans ever again.  For better or for worse, suicide achieves that.

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I am tired of this meme going around about the 5 slacker commandments.  First, I am insulted that people keep forwarding it to me.  Are you paying attention?! I invented these.  Second, I am pissed that people keep saying I am the poster boy for this, it’s really a backhanded comment when you think about it.  It’s like telling a woman you like her make up.  You’re not supposed to see or notice make-up.  Same thing with bullshitting your way through a law firm.  But the most important thing here is this simple point:  The 5 “slacker” commandments aren’t ONE way to succeed at a law firm, it’s the ONLY way.  It’s not like I’m cheating at a game I could win if I played straight up and just worked harder.  If I did what people who wish they were me pretend to think I ought to do then there is a 100% chance I end up like Benito.  Let’s review.

1: Look like shit so it looks like you’re working hard

That’s work people.  I look good no matter what.  I look good with stubble, I look good with a beard, I look (especially) good naked, I look good and smell good no matter what I’m wearing or how long I’ve worn it.  I have to do some really filthy shit to look how I look on the average work day. I have to wear alot of sweaters to cover up my shredded six pack.

2: Keep a Filthy Office

Again, this is work.  If you work at a peer firm there are people who clean your office.  And this trick is old.  It’s not even so much that your office is dirty or cluttered, it’s that it’s never static.  The landscape is always changing.  Everything looks different.  This ain’t “Catch Me if You Can,” you have to pull this shit day in and day out for years.

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Sigh.  So Mike Triforce went over how to network/ask for a job.  Now let’s deal with the opposite.  How to blow someone off.  First the story, then we’ll go over what was wrong with it.

I went to church with my mom and saw a woman I emailed four months ago about a job.  Yeah I know, I didn’t ask right but whatever.  The woman accidentally makes eye contact with me and says loudly in front of the whole congregation “I’m SO sorry for not getting back to you.” Now at this point I try to escape but I am boxed in by old people.  “I talked to the General Counsel” at this point I stop her and remind her that I was not applying for a legal position.  She continues “so I talked to General Counsel” I stop her and explain to her that to get a job in a GC office you need 10-15 yrs plus experience practicing.  She continues “so I talked to General Counsel and he referred me to our website.  Did you know we have job postings online? Maybe you should apply online.  I’ll keep asking around.  Hang in there champ.”

Now, let us begin with the critique.

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…even if you don’t have no porno mags.  Beastie Boys! Ok, I am dating myself.  Plus who doesn’t know about internet porn? Not that I go to internet porn sites.

*cough*

SO living at home.  I am not sure if I’ve ever divorced living at home from the shame of unemployment and/or student debt you can’t pay off. This makes sense given the fact that without those two circumstances you presumably wouldn’t be living at home.  I tried to think of reasons why someone not in that situation would be living at home.  I came up with terminal disease, either your own or your parent’s…then I got depressed and couldn’t think of anything else.  Right before I decided to think of something else to write it dawned on me.  People also live at home on the other side of the economic stupidity wall: in order to save for something, like a house or to not go into debt or childcare. Ok, fair enough.  Let’s break it down.

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This is for my peeps who are pimps first and professionals second – the type of slick mothers who can hop on a plane to a country where they can’t speak the language with only the clothes on their back and spend three months with the type of women suicide bombers dream about.

This is also in response to Sweet Hot Justice who wrote a piece “Biglaw Bros: Why Slam Pieces DON’T Want You.” The article can be found here

http://www.sweethotjustice.com/2011/03/01/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-dont-want-you/

and reposted on ATL here

http://abovethelaw.com/2011/03/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-don%E2%80%99t-want-you/

Basically SHJ says that dimes aren’t interested because at the end of the day even the most successful lawyer doesn’t make shit compared to a finance guy and law just ain’t sexy.  And you know what? She’s right.  But dimes want you anyway.  Why? Let me explain.

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I don’t plan to ever pay my student loans unless I have an eight figure bank account. Before you say that’s ridiculous, say I get $1 million tommorrow. After Taxes that’s 600k. If I were to pay off my current loans and the ones I plan to take out I’d have what? A buck eighty for my troubles? That’s a first year associate’s salary plus bonus. What the hell I am I supposed to do with that? Certainly not start my own practice or business.

But say I had 7 million. Am I paying off my loans? No. I’d just leave the country for a tropical paradise and live off the interest of my stock portfolio- avoid taxes AND loans. While this is mostly a commentary on the perverse incentive structure student loans create don’t count me out. It’s called a class action settlement.

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Ever wonder how rich people have such screwed up lives? Particularly rich kids? I mean all you have to do is keep your head down, follow a pre-set plan, maintain the fortune built for you and spend the rest of your time at leisure. Also don’t have kids. But somewhere one gets the idea that one should be successful in one’s one right, to do it one’s one way to get some sort of satisfaction outside of material comfort. Foolish definitely – but quite prevalent. Of course in so doing not only do the rich kids fail at their new endeavor but squander what’s been given to them.

So I got straight As and made Law Review. Yeah. If you recall I drank the semester away, used psychological warfare on fellow classmates and wrote tests ignoring the questions posed but simply regurgitated journal articles they’ve written blended with answers from old tests. Some questions were exactly the same. Now I am in a bit of a quandry. Do I continue with the Debtors Prison inspired plan or do I do my own thing and try and make a traditional go at this whole law school thing?
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I rarely go out. When I do I try and see as many people as possible. So I invite a buddy I haven’t seen in awhile to a fundraiser and he agrees to go, but warns me he is broke. Ok, whatever who isn’t. Then he asks if it will be an open bar. Now have YOU ever been to a fundraiser with an open bar? That an unemployed person invited you to?

As he explained the particulars of his circumstances, something about a lag between paychecks because he switched counties he was working in, all I could think about was the fact that he was essentially asking me to spot him, and this kid drinks like a fish.

Then a funny thing happened and I saw things from his perspective for a second
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