Swinging is like going into alot of debt for a prestigious school.  Yeah it sounds like a good idea and will almost certainly lead to a reliable casual sex partner but when broken down and examined it actually is a bad idea. Why? Because you are REQUIRED to give up something of value for only A CHANCE of getting something of equal (or if you’re lucky slightly greater) value in return. Plus if I wanted to screw your woman I’d just do it- I certainly wouldn’t let you screw mine.

So let me get this straight. I am going to trade the CERTAIN knowledge that my girlfriend is getting violated in the next room so some random chick can pick my watch out of a bowl?Now you might be thinking well if you end up screwing another girl of same or equal hotness on balance you did well right? WRONG! You aren’t considering the possibility that you could have gotten a girl like the one youre hitting without having to resort to swinging. It’s like trading your car in at the car dealership for a different model when they are giving cars away across the street. Even if you get a slightly nicer car are you really better off?

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Everyone here knows my life is pretty sweet…but it could be sweeter. I normally don’t talk about MY well, let’s not call them regrets, let’s call them revisions for a future life.  They can all be summed up by a simple observation: I am running out of room to grow.

Yeah I make good money but an investment banker I ain’t. Yeah I am smart but I’m no doctor. I also don’t work much but ain’t a trustfund kid or a retired dot com. I like to think I have the best of all words…but now not so sure. My actual and potential earnings are plummeting in relation to peer professions. I also can’t work less than not at all and BELIEVE ME I have tried. But the force that is Mike Triforce is completely on autopilot. I’ve shown up drunk, I’ve sexually harassed younger female associates, I have humiliated male associates in front of their wives and girlfriends. I even, without authority, laid someone off. Yup, just called an associate from as many protective classes that I could think of (minority, female, pregnant, veteran) cussed her out, insinuated that a staff member fathered her child and told her to clean out her desk. She sent a professional farewell e-mail from her personal account and I told the partnership she quit effective immediately and didn’t say why. I mean…where is there to go?

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So I was letting a buddy crash on the couch while interviewing in Philly for a job.  He’s been out of work for about two years now, about nine months of which he’s been looking for work outside of the legal field.  His interview didn’t go well, as I knew it wouldn’t.  Even after two years of living on couches and eating Chef Boyardee, the kid is not quite over himself.  Anyway, he spent more time getting to the within-walking distance interview than he spent in it, and of course he comes back to the Princess and I going at it and I don’t always close the bedroom door in my own place when nobody else is around.

So he bangs on the door and get this says “show a little respect.”  I come out still at attention and ask if he has some sort of problem.  He then goes on to list several problems he has with me and when I tell him to get the hell out he laughs.  You know what he says? He says “you owe me.” Well, the police begged to differ.  But let’s examine what he meant by that.

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 happen to be a fan of a certain football team mullying about a 500 record give or take a win midway through the season. Do I want those bums thinking well, at least we’re not at the bottom of the league, and win or lose I’m still a millionaire or do I want them to have tunnel vision on their next opponent and doing what they have to do to make the playoffs? Man, fuck perspective, what you need is FOCUS.

I’m an asshole, I admit. But there is another reason I spend what I want, fuck who I want and take whatever I have the opportunity to take. I deserve it, true, but the fact remains that if I spend my life balancing my budget or trying to define the nature of my relationship with the Princess or deciding if I SHOULD do what I CAN do then I wouldn’t be FOCUSED on getting ahead.

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Why is Ashton Krutcher still relevant? He snagged himself a cougar named Demi Moore. He took Demi Moore from Bruce Willis. Bruce FUCKING Willis. I think I can take Todd Palin. His name is Todd for heavens sake.

Alpha Man’s rant got me thinking. Why not work for her campaign, start sleeping with her, be her shoulder to cry on when she divorces Todd in 2014 to take the country’s attention off the horrible job she’s doing as Prez. And then marry her a month before she’s up for re-election?

Now I know, I know she’s already haggard-looking and by 2014 she’s 50. And by the time we’re married she’ll have great grand children if the next Palin generation is anything like the preceding ones. Yeah there are her slutty daughters but Bristol is no looker and it’s too early to tell about the others. But hear me out. I rarely talk about my cougar conquests but there have been some doozies. Plus once I am in front of that camera and get the type of exposure the Palins get it’s over folks. It really is. I look that good and the sound of my voice is addictive. I am like Dickie V. To a college basketball fan.

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 for one don’t give as many tips as I used to because I am tired of being the only one with entries under “questionable advice.” But ok, even my co-bloggers can’t object to a guy defending his girlfriend which is half the reason I am writing this.

Look, everything you do you do to get ahead. Your recreation is drinking and golf even if you detest both. You read WSJ regardless of your political leanings. And as far as dating goes you have two options: you date rich or you date HOT. Not real world hot. Sports Illustrated Maxim Hot. I chose the latter.

Dating rich is obvious particularly for those six figure student loan debtors among us. The price of dating rich (and probably less hot than you are able) is fidelity. Cheating on someone richer than you is scandalous. Cheating on someone poorer than you is a break-up/divorce.

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Read Benito’s post. That’s the problem with the Democratic party. They are made up of losers like Benito. Now if you are familiar with me you know I don’t vote unless I can directly personally benefit through favors from the individual to be elected, but if I did vote I would vote Republican and here is why- I like winners.

Benito claims you should vote in your “self interest.” I think we can all agree that I am as self interested as they come but hell if I am voting for them. Think back to high school. Losers were always doing things for their friends whether it was giving them rides, helping them with school work or coaxing them into reconsidering suicide. The popular kids? They didn’t do shit for their friends and wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to talk about them behind their backs. Same thing with the Republicans. They expect your vote and you are not going to get shit for it except the promise they are going to keep doing what they do: getting that money, starting that war, and penalizing everyone that fails to conform to the ideal. Hellz and Bellz bitches.

I mean look at Jesus. He healed people of incurable diseases instantly for free. Now that’s Universal Healthcare. You really just had to ask. Apparently he rarely ever got thanked, such that a leper expressing his appreciation was a noteworthy occurrence. He also multiplied resources from wine to fish and bread. He never asked for any money and would openly associate with anyone. He lost an election for “not crucified” in a landslide to a convicted killer who as far as I know never did anything for anyone. Jesus even had an endorsement from God, Moses, Elijah and from the governor Pontius Pilate.

So vote Republican. People will think you are a winner by association and if you start doing cold shit like that maybe you will actually become one. A winner that is.

Every actor asks themselves this at one time or another. It’s called the “porn flu” and I’ve got all the symptoms: trouble affording the lifestyle I deserve, fed up with my day job (yes I am still employed) and no relationship I value enough to not put that person at risk of STDs. Hey, before you judge that street goes both ways.

Currently several additional factors have caused my porn flu to spike. Sasha Grey’s ascension to Entourage fame shows a pornstar can go mainstream. The market for certain acts, particularly gay on straight porn is particularly high. I have a sweet professional name “Donkey Dong” and finally I have the best background story ever: I am selling myself to pay off my student loans.

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So I hear a pathetic whimpering sound late one night a few weeks ago. My first thought was that the waitress I picked up that night left something. Maybe it was the Princess come back to beg forgiveness and explain where my missing condoms are. Maybe her coke head brother needed a place to crash and avoid his dealer or bookie. Or maybe the dog needed food/to go to the bathroom. My response to all four was “who gives a shit?” I rolled over and went to sleep.

So the next day I do my due diligence: No crap that doesn’t belong to the Princess, No Princess and no sign of her coke head brother. Oh yeah. The dog. I found him passed out in his own feces.  I had assumed the Princess had at least been feeding him. Nope. Lazy slut.

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Sigh. I am in line at Costco. Who can tell me three things wrong with that? 1) The Princess should be doing this kind of crap. 2) I shouldn’t have to use condoms with my live-in girlfriend of going on three years to not catch the latest strand of Herpes from a mediocre frat and 3) I shouldn’t have to be at Costco at all. Costco is expensive as hell and the Princess has a very expensive BREAKFAST and LUNCH meal plan only. I didn’t even know that was an option. Not wanting to go hungry, I occasionally make it to campus only to be greeted by asanine questions from her idiot friends “don’t you have a job? Shouldn’t you be at work? Aren’t you like 30?” I was so angry I almost didn’t get a third helping of eggs. I do have my pride though. I am not Benito. I refuse to bring Tupperware.

Oh but get THIS – the Princess isn’t even 100% daddy-funding this. The trifling, shiftless, spaghetti-legged trollup actually took out loans. She’s taking out loans to fuck fratboys while owing me 15 grand.

What does debt for a partner mean in a longterm relationship where you don’t plan to marry that person? Read on to find out.

I mean first there’s the obvious. In a relationship like mine where it’s understood that when you get a better offer you’re gone, if someone else starts borrowing tons of cash to be around good looking people in great shape you expand your search to include not just better offers but comparable ones. Also the cashflow in the household comes to a standstill. The student partner is naturally strapped for cash and the other partner doesn’t want to pay for joint goods like groceries , rent etc. because they know the chance of being paid back is virtually nil.

There are also new turns on the emotional roller coaster. Specifically there are two possibilities: most likely the student partner, racked by guilt and stress fails in every respect and comes crawling back more willing to take the abuse they most likely deserve until the non-student partner leaves for greener more successful pastures.

Now there is the outside chance that the student partner becomes very successful and earns a previously non-existent respect from the non-student partner. The student partner then is put in the tough situation of choosing to stay with their partner who supported them when they were garbage or move on to the untested fellow student-weighing the fact that the sex isn’t stale on one hand to the fact that the student has never been in the real world.

Sigh. But joke’s on the Princess. She will be walking to CVS for the morning after pill from now on. I’ve already got the Herpes cream. Also I am spending the last of the abortion fund here at Costco. In my book for a kid to really be mine and hence obligate me to kill it or raise it is more than just blood and DNA, it’s also a level of exclusivity, otherwise I am just a sucker who got unlucky.

Good luck on your midterms honey!