Life is not fair. Nobody has pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps. You against the world = your mom was forced to abort you. If you’re alive, competent and yet don’t have your 3500 sq ft wife and Lexus then you are proof of these obvious axioms.  I look down on you (literally, not necessarily figuratively) from my office window and I want to help you.  Is it really so hard to believe? Why do you think I have written for this blog for close to a year now? It sure as hell doesn’t get me any ass.

Ok, let’s start at the beginning.  You’re young, smart, well educated but unemployed and in debt.  What to do? Obviously your biggest problem is the debt.  Why? Because the debt makes you desperate, and like a virgin on spring break debt makes what should be a very natural process of hitting that money suddenly a very awkward, self-conscious process.  I apologize to everyone, particularly the bros who read this and think my advice is akin to a manual for how to walk.  I promise my next entry will be about hitting a slam piece.

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I try and give you folks a lark with some good-old fashioned bro humor. I had a great story about a bro who opened a puppy rental stand who paid this slam piece to jerk off guys she saw walking said puppies and suggest that for paying off high interest private loans. But you people need help. Serious help. So instead I am going to explain to you something you should have learned growing up watching sports.

Now here is how I know there are no sports fans on this site. One if there were ballets among you you’d have gotten scholarships. Two if you could converse about sports with people you’d be less miserable at work, more pleasant to be around, less likely to lose your job and more likely to find a new one if you do.  And before you get started yes I am going to make a sports analogy BUT I am going to explain it so even those who think Jordan was the greatest football player because he scored the most runs in history can understand.

You are playing a game, say basketball, (round ball, bounces, played indoors) and your opponent is debt. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game (aka the amount of time you want/reasonable amount of time to take to pay off your loans is) wins. Debt is winning by the amount you owe, aided by crooked refs we’ll call interest.
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So I was at the BMW dealership looking at a 3 series when I ran into a kid from law school. Immediately I was scared that he might be looking at a 5 series, but thankfully he was not. We struck up a conversation and I was soon invited back to his place for drinks.

The first thing I noticed was the tree, or specifically what was under it. It looked like a mall exploded on his floor. There were at least ten games from every major system, three shirts from every major designer, shoes ranging from athletic to formal, three personal grooming sets, beer from Belgium, wine from France, four antiques and at least 2 of everything Apple makes, including some new Mac book I’d never heard of.
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Swinging is like going into alot of debt for a prestigious school.  Yeah it sounds like a good idea and will almost certainly lead to a reliable casual sex partner but when broken down and examined it actually is a bad idea. Why? Because you are REQUIRED to give up something of value for only A CHANCE of getting something of equal (or if you’re lucky slightly greater) value in return. Plus if I wanted to screw your woman I’d just do it- I certainly wouldn’t let you screw mine.

So let me get this straight. I am going to trade the CERTAIN knowledge that my girlfriend is getting violated in the next room so some random chick can pick my watch out of a bowl?Now you might be thinking well if you end up screwing another girl of same or equal hotness on balance you did well right? WRONG! You aren’t considering the possibility that you could have gotten a girl like the one youre hitting without having to resort to swinging. It’s like trading your car in at the car dealership for a different model when they are giving cars away across the street. Even if you get a slightly nicer car are you really better off?

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Everyone here knows my life is pretty sweet…but it could be sweeter. I normally don’t talk about MY well, let’s not call them regrets, let’s call them revisions for a future life.  They can all be summed up by a simple observation: I am running out of room to grow.

Yeah I make good money but an investment banker I ain’t. Yeah I am smart but I’m no doctor. I also don’t work much but ain’t a trustfund kid or a retired dot com. I like to think I have the best of all words…but now not so sure. My actual and potential earnings are plummeting in relation to peer professions. I also can’t work less than not at all and BELIEVE ME I have tried. But the force that is Mike Triforce is completely on autopilot. I’ve shown up drunk, I’ve sexually harassed younger female associates, I have humiliated male associates in front of their wives and girlfriends. I even, without authority, laid someone off. Yup, just called an associate from as many protective classes that I could think of (minority, female, pregnant, veteran) cussed her out, insinuated that a staff member fathered her child and told her to clean out her desk. She sent a professional farewell e-mail from her personal account and I told the partnership she quit effective immediately and didn’t say why. I mean…where is there to go?

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So I was letting a buddy crash on the couch while interviewing in Philly for a job.  He’s been out of work for about two years now, about nine months of which he’s been looking for work outside of the legal field.  His interview didn’t go well, as I knew it wouldn’t.  Even after two years of living on couches and eating Chef Boyardee, the kid is not quite over himself.  Anyway, he spent more time getting to the within-walking distance interview than he spent in it, and of course he comes back to the Princess and I going at it and I don’t always close the bedroom door in my own place when nobody else is around.

So he bangs on the door and get this says “show a little respect.”  I come out still at attention and ask if he has some sort of problem.  He then goes on to list several problems he has with me and when I tell him to get the hell out he laughs.  You know what he says? He says “you owe me.” Well, the police begged to differ.  But let’s examine what he meant by that.

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 happen to be a fan of a certain football team mullying about a 500 record give or take a win midway through the season. Do I want those bums thinking well, at least we’re not at the bottom of the league, and win or lose I’m still a millionaire or do I want them to have tunnel vision on their next opponent and doing what they have to do to make the playoffs? Man, fuck perspective, what you need is FOCUS.

I’m an asshole, I admit. But there is another reason I spend what I want, fuck who I want and take whatever I have the opportunity to take. I deserve it, true, but the fact remains that if I spend my life balancing my budget or trying to define the nature of my relationship with the Princess or deciding if I SHOULD do what I CAN do then I wouldn’t be FOCUSED on getting ahead.

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Why is Ashton Krutcher still relevant? He snagged himself a cougar named Demi Moore. He took Demi Moore from Bruce Willis. Bruce FUCKING Willis. I think I can take Todd Palin. His name is Todd for heavens sake.

Alpha Man’s rant got me thinking. Why not work for her campaign, start sleeping with her, be her shoulder to cry on when she divorces Todd in 2014 to take the country’s attention off the horrible job she’s doing as Prez. And then marry her a month before she’s up for re-election?

Now I know, I know she’s already haggard-looking and by 2014 she’s 50. And by the time we’re married she’ll have great grand children if the next Palin generation is anything like the preceding ones. Yeah there are her slutty daughters but Bristol is no looker and it’s too early to tell about the others. But hear me out. I rarely talk about my cougar conquests but there have been some doozies. Plus once I am in front of that camera and get the type of exposure the Palins get it’s over folks. It really is. I look that good and the sound of my voice is addictive. I am like Dickie V. To a college basketball fan.

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 for one don’t give as many tips as I used to because I am tired of being the only one with entries under “questionable advice.” But ok, even my co-bloggers can’t object to a guy defending his girlfriend which is half the reason I am writing this.

Look, everything you do you do to get ahead. Your recreation is drinking and golf even if you detest both. You read WSJ regardless of your political leanings. And as far as dating goes you have two options: you date rich or you date HOT. Not real world hot. Sports Illustrated Maxim Hot. I chose the latter.

Dating rich is obvious particularly for those six figure student loan debtors among us. The price of dating rich (and probably less hot than you are able) is fidelity. Cheating on someone richer than you is scandalous. Cheating on someone poorer than you is a break-up/divorce.

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Read Benito’s post. That’s the problem with the Democratic party. They are made up of losers like Benito. Now if you are familiar with me you know I don’t vote unless I can directly personally benefit through favors from the individual to be elected, but if I did vote I would vote Republican and here is why- I like winners.

Benito claims you should vote in your “self interest.” I think we can all agree that I am as self interested as they come but hell if I am voting for them. Think back to high school. Losers were always doing things for their friends whether it was giving them rides, helping them with school work or coaxing them into reconsidering suicide. The popular kids? They didn’t do shit for their friends and wouldn’t hesitate for a moment to talk about them behind their backs. Same thing with the Republicans. They expect your vote and you are not going to get shit for it except the promise they are going to keep doing what they do: getting that money, starting that war, and penalizing everyone that fails to conform to the ideal. Hellz and Bellz bitches.

I mean look at Jesus. He healed people of incurable diseases instantly for free. Now that’s Universal Healthcare. You really just had to ask. Apparently he rarely ever got thanked, such that a leper expressing his appreciation was a noteworthy occurrence. He also multiplied resources from wine to fish and bread. He never asked for any money and would openly associate with anyone. He lost an election for “not crucified” in a landslide to a convicted killer who as far as I know never did anything for anyone. Jesus even had an endorsement from God, Moses, Elijah and from the governor Pontius Pilate.

So vote Republican. People will think you are a winner by association and if you start doing cold shit like that maybe you will actually become one. A winner that is.