I normally don’t participate in discourse of this sort unless there is an immediate and tangible benefit like taking an attractive young coed to bed. I need to work on my conservative asshole shpiel because I had a misfire with a girl I chose because I didn’t have the energy to compete for her more attractive cousin. In reality I just don’t care.

Ok, I make no secret of the fact that if I want something I get it. Alcohol, cars, electronics, travel, premium housing, the latest trends and newest sports equipment…only the best for yours truly, and I have a crushing debt load. I also make no secret of the fact that paying my loans is my absolute lowest priority. I have told stories about gambling with my loan balance for a month just to prove a point. That point is paying my loans is like letting the Princess sleep in the bed after I have defiled her (if she is indeed still capable of being defiled) just because I usually do it doesn’t mean I have to and I am the one in control.

So if my loans magically evaporated I wouldn’t necessarily spend more money. I might, over time, carry a lower credit card balance. Eh.

But this is one of the rare times when it’s not all about me. Let’s take my polar opposite in every way: Benito. When Benito was working he dutifully saved his money, denied himself most extravagancies, and when he got canned he had saved just enough to pay off my buddy’s share of the rent and mine since my buddy ripped me off before we left. I gave him a cold offer to stay with the Princess and I – took him three nights to figure out the key I gave him didn’t work and it wasn’t an accident.

Anyway, a working Benito is just going to save that money. Benito in his current state either isn’t paying his loans or is committing sexual misdemeanors to do it which he would presumably stop if the immediate need to whore himself suddenly evaporated.  Net effect on the economy = zero.

But that doesn’t mean it won’t get done. We’ve got gays in the military and at the alter, we have pan handlers and servant’s children getting medical care, and we STILL have old people getting a check for doing all that they do…causing traffic jams at 2 pm, paying for groceries with pennies, lying about potential inheritances, exaggerating ailments and getting other special treatment like parking and movie discounts.

Just like everyone hates old people and hates black people who went to a private college, public college in the south, UCLA or Michigan soon everyone will hate former student debtors and everyone and their mother will say “I got into Harvard but didn’t want to take out the loans” and just like with Social Security and Affirmative Action Joe Everyman will eventually convince himself that he would have gone to Harvard if he’d known…just like old people make him poor and blacks keep him out of school.

What I want is a tax break. Why? Because taxes are automatically deducted from my check. I won’t spend more when this happens either but a bigger check will make me feel like a bigger man.

Doctor beats Lawyer. I-banker beats Doctor…Lawyer beats I-banker. Wait! Here me out. What do the best I-bankers do? That’s right, white collar crime – Madoff! Madoff! And they either go to jail, or worse, chicken out with money still on the table, never knowing if they have the hottest chick, fastest car or biggest house money can buy. If you’re going to play the game like that please just go live in your mother’s basement and learn to make cucumber sandwiches and Sangria for your mother’s book club.

Ok so what about doctors? They’re chumps. I mean in theory being a doctor should be the highest paying job in the world because what’s more important than human life?

Ha! Human life. It takes doctors until they are well into their thirties to realize that we as a human society don’t value human life for shit. That’s why people in the third world die of shut we cured a hundred years ago while the best and brightest researchers are trying to figure how to regrow hair and prolong erections.

So we come to lawyers. Traditionally they are at the bottom of the professional pyramid…but when was the last time you saw a lawyer go to jail simply for knowingly and repeatedly breaking the law and then getting caught? I can’t think of one either, and as it turns out a of illegal activity is extremely profitable and easy.

Like with the great scam I can’t go into too much detail about the shit I have pulled but I can let you know enough to get some of you out there thinking of ways you too can be as cool and financially awesome as me.

Now in addition to being an attorney I am also an actor and musician. Actors and musicians have certain common attributes including being lazy and good looking. They also tend to commit crimes and know career criminals that is to say individuals who draw their lively hood from breaking the law.

There’s more to it than just drugs though that is number 1. Stolen and counterfeit merchandise is huge. Number 2 is the large, difficult to classify area of grifting and scams.

So now you are probably wondering where is your cut and what do you have to do to get it? First if you are still thinking about representing these criminals you’re fired. That’s alot of work (which you don’t know how to do because you have been in Big Law all this time) and it’s not nearly as lucrative. What you DO know how to do is look busy, turn people on each other and disappear when the shit hits the fan.

I had some friends who were in the…companionship game let’s say. I discovered what they were doing, went to a few meetings, collected some money and when we all got arrested I walked out of the station in 10 minutes after I said I was just there because they were considering retaining me as their attorney.

Now there is one catch. Usually these people require some kind of leverage on you in order to trust you. In my case I allowed myself to be filmed with one of their under-aged employees. Of course there is no reason for them to ever sell me down the river because as far as they know I am going to jail with them.

Winning!

So apparently My sexual escapades are not fitting for blog entries. Now, any sensible person will tell you that your choice of life partner has more effect on your financial well being than any other BUT since certain of those among us who are celibant against their will are hating…let’s try a new topic, the art of casual conversation.

When I ask you, peon in Debtor’s Prison, how your day was, how you are doing, etc, the correct answer is “fine.” I don’t care if you just got your arm amputated and your puppy died in a vain attempt to save your mother from a burning building.

Next if I ask you a question you should immediately identify how I am trying to seguay into a conversation about myself. Obviously I don’t care what you think. If you just stare blankly I will eventually launch into a monologue that will amount to talking to myself without the stigma BUT you can create the illusion of dialogue with phrases like “I don’t know what do you think?” I could ask for your frikkin name and that is still the best response you can give.

Next if I ask “Are you around at [such and such time]” the correct response is no response simply wait for me to tell you where to be at that time. Of course you are around, you’re unemployed or underemployed. You have no money therefore no worth therefore no life. But for the pathetic sound of your voice a thank you might be in order.

The point is you are a non-entity. That’s why people talk over you, cut you off or treat your latest contribution to a conversation as if it never happened. The sooner you learn this and start playing by the rules the sooner your life will start to make sense albeit in a tragic sort of way. But buying into the rules has it’s advantages. It’s like hazing. Play by the rules, believe in the rules, work to get to the other side of the coin.

I am tired of this meme going around about the 5 slacker commandments.  First, I am insulted that people keep forwarding it to me.  Are you paying attention?! I invented these.  Second, I am pissed that people keep saying I am the poster boy for this, it’s really a backhanded comment when you think about it.  It’s like telling a woman you like her make up.  You’re not supposed to see or notice make-up.  Same thing with bullshitting your way through a law firm.  But the most important thing here is this simple point:  The 5 “slacker” commandments aren’t ONE way to succeed at a law firm, it’s the ONLY way.  It’s not like I’m cheating at a game I could win if I played straight up and just worked harder.  If I did what people who wish they were me pretend to think I ought to do then there is a 100% chance I end up like Benito.  Let’s review.

1: Look like shit so it looks like you’re working hard

That’s work people.  I look good no matter what.  I look good with stubble, I look good with a beard, I look (especially) good naked, I look good and smell good no matter what I’m wearing or how long I’ve worn it.  I have to do some really filthy shit to look how I look on the average work day. I have to wear alot of sweaters to cover up my shredded six pack.

2: Keep a Filthy Office

Again, this is work.  If you work at a peer firm there are people who clean your office.  And this trick is old.  It’s not even so much that your office is dirty or cluttered, it’s that it’s never static.  The landscape is always changing.  Everything looks different.  This ain’t “Catch Me if You Can,” you have to pull this shit day in and day out for years.

3:  Look Busy

I have eleven different routes I walk through this place with specific stops and specific impressions I have to make on specific people.  I have seven different email patterns I use.  I keep statistics on this stuff.  How many emails sent between 2-5 am? How many card swipes on a Sunday? This is how I operate.  And it’s not called slacking.  It’s called getting paid.

4:  Leaving a Paper Trail

All of this is kids play.  I mean checking out books and documents you’re not reading and stacking them on your desk? What are you, 12? Do also hide comicbooks in your legal journals? That’s not a papertrail.  A papertrail is figuring out who makes decisions, cornering that person, and getting them to put in writing what you need to do to make partner AND THEN get an email saying you’re doing it.  That way nobody puts baby in the corner without risking going to court.  If you’re a white boy like me you also need some paper to back up some kind of bullshit story, like you’re bipolar or gay or something.  You know how hard it is to find a doctor to prescribe psychodellic medication you don’t need?  Actually, it’s not that hard.

5.  Work Hard When You Have To

Obviously this is a trick question.  Any assignment you get that requires actual work is probably out of your league.  You’re four years in and you have ABSOLUTELY NO SKILLS.  And you get nervous.  You’re nervous because you can’t so much as sharpen a pencil and you’re nervous because you’ve gotten away with murder for so long you feeel like you’ve got to do something.  Like competently doing one assignment washes away four years of bullshit.  Only it does. It washes away all the good it’s done.  Don’t get caught with the hot potato.  If you want to prove you’re partner material, when you need to get something done find the most competent person willing to do it for the least amount of money, and then discard that very person who just saved your ass like a piece of trash.

So don’t come at me with your bullshit.  If my job ain’t hard, than neither is pimping, pushing or gun running, and I don’t make shit compared to those professions though I degrade myself and others, sell poison and give people the tools to kill.  Do you really want me working harder?

S’up losers? The following story is too deep for most of you.  In the original post I state there is a message for most of you but I lied.  You can read this and feel morally superior to me if you want OR you can read it with an OPEN MIND (unlike Erin and SG) and thoughtfully consider my position.

If I had to identify one thing that is the foundation of my mental and emotional health it is my concise moral code. I am not going to tell you what it is because that would detract from it’s utility. When you share a moral code wayward lost vulnerable people adopt it, then they debate it, then they try and codify it, etc.

But I will say this, one can think of “morals” as a predisposition – like the child of alcoholics are often predisposed to becoming alcoholics themselves. I am predisposed to experiencing discomfort when I engage in certain activities and I have created a code BASED on these predispositions. Now, I realize this is deep so before I go any further let me state up front: my story is about epic greatness involving a SMOKING hot slam piece Russian chick that I am vacillating about whether to take to poundtown via the Hershey Highway BUT it’s relevant to you pions as well because it can teach you how to avoid this “shame” phenomenon Benito writes so much about.

Since some of us don’t have all day in their parent’s basement to write I’ll go easy on the details. A buddy tipped me off that the Princess might be sampling some fratboy’s groin protein shake so I decided to hit the hottest girl in her class. Because I was in a hurry I used what usually works fastest: money. We did everything and when I was through I cleaned myself with one of the Princess’ childhood blankets. Satisfying. Now for the moral dilemma.

So it turns out that this fine undergrad slam piece is actually 26 and used to be a prostitute. Not one of those trashy scags you see in AC or one of those high-class call girls but a child prostitute in the sex trade from the age of 14-19. I found this out when I made anal overtures and just as I was loobing the tip she goes “I could really use help with this semester’s tuition” – now mind you this girl was hot enough that I’d have put her through dental school but she pulled back just short of the promised land with the following “do you want a gf or a whore?” I mean, I was looking for something between a fling and a fuck buddy with a side of revenge but if I had to choose…eh, hard to say. Next thing I know she is crying and telling A LONG story with countries I’d never heard of culminating in her acceptance to UPenn student visa yada yada.

I didn’t bang her then and there but that was strategic. As the only Male under 87 she’s ever known not to either pound her or get paid because she was pounded I am now a god to her. But now I feel bad about banging her, given that I lied about tuition, am seeing someone else and oh yeah went back and tapped the A. And taped it.

The reason I feel bad you see is that she gets sent back if she loses her student visa, which of course she does if her tuition check bounces or never comes. So I ask myself “why am I predisposed to sympathizing with whores?” maybe subconsciously I am aware that a close female relative is or was a whore. Maybe and I am man enough to admit it. We accept we can have whore sisters and daughters because we are forced to watch it happen. Just because nobody wanted mommy after our half-bastard selves made them tight as a moo-moo and as perky as snot hanging from a nail doesn’t mean she is anymore virtuous. Also it could be my feelings for the Princess. She’s not a prostitute in that she takes money for sex like a cashier takes money for groceries. She’s more like an exclusive club where you need money to have your membership considered, and there are considerable dues.

In the end I think I will keep hitting it because what if on a future psych evaluation my whore sympathy might become known and reflect poorly on the fam or the princess.  Still, I am worried that I spent the better part of a beer contemplating this as this might get my bro card revoked.  Still, I’m also man enough to admit that even an alpha bro with a hundred notches in his belt occasionally accidentally develops feelings for a skank.  You’re predisposed to something in this particular trick’s nature to cause you to act differently.  Doing the “right” thing is therefore an indulgence.  Take her to poundtown and send her out the door by 7…resist that urge to get donuts and coffee.

As far as I’m concerned the show should be called One and a Half Men…and Charlie Sheen is that one and a half.  Charlie Sheen gets alot of attention for being the (former) highest paid TV actor. Who cares? TV is for losers, it’s like contract work in the legal world. That’s not what makes Sheen rich. Sheen is rich because he has so much damn time on his hands. You have this wealth of time too, and in a similar environment of zero accountability, easy access to drugs and loose women…where showing up for work for two hours a day does actually induce others to give you kudos.  This place is called Academia.  Let me put it another way.  What does the best law school in the country (Yale) produce? Law Professors.  Why? Law Professors aren’t rich after all (though they make more money than most of us ever will).  The reason is that in academia you have TIME and ZERO ACCOUNTABILITY.

Trust me on this one.  As a bro I competed with law professors to take slam pieces to pound town all the time.  I had to let a number of the professors see me take pictures of them with my phone in order to scare them away from my prey.  Also as an actor, even I pass up most opportunities for pilots in favor of small roles in films and the occasional commercial.  Why? Look at the Mac Book kid.  He hocs computers for a couple of years and suddenly he’s standing next to Bruce Willis in Die Hard 4.  Ever see that kid on “How I Met Your Mother?” Hell no.

This is supposed to be one of those rare uplifting posts.  Work with me kids.

Regardless of what the market is like at least right now you can pretty much do whatever you want, and get the money to pay for it.  In fact, the dismal economic situation has caused a lot of your female classmates to realize that they’re never going to be able to get married and have children.  The best they can hope for is that a sibling five years younger or older might luck out and produce offspring so there is someone to bury their crazy spinster Aunt.  Once a woman starts thinking like this she ceases to think each guy might be “the one” and starts to think that each guy might be “the last.” This usually coincides with the revelation that once they graduate they will be exposed to the same let’s say…seven males each day between 20 and 60 who are even capable of having sex and that’s IF they are lucky enough to find some kind of employment, otherwise the number is 0-2.  Guys, could it be any easier?

Yes.  Ask a woman a simple question.  That question is “Do you have a cat?” If the answer is yes she will go home with you that night.  If the answer is two, she will invite you back to her place.  Three or more and you can take her into the bathroom and do whatever you want to her.  You don’t even have to keep your abs tight gentlemen (unless you’re losing your hair).

Guys it’s like this.  I have a frenemy who works for an engineering firm, never had any debt and he’s also a whiz at picking his own stocks.  I hate his politics and I am jealous of his accomplishments.  But you know what? He’s fat and his parents never got his teeth fixed and I know based on the awkward facebook messages he leaves on female friend’s pages that he is three months from being a 30 year-old virgin.  The guy whose banging the hottest girl wins.  There are no desirable men left.  Regardless of your money or employment status put yourself in a place where there are constantly a surplus of women between 15 – 35 and you will get laid for the rest of your life.  Sure, you can’t fall in love because if you stay with any one woman long enough your inadequacy as a mate will eventually occur to her but that can be a blessing in disguise.

Remember, we don’t love them ‘hos.

I love you Charlie.  Keep on keeping it real you stupid, drunk addict bastard.  If you need a lawyer holler at me! Text David Chapelle if you need a reference.

This is for my peeps who are pimps first and professionals second – the type of slick mothers who can hop on a plane to a country where they can’t speak the language with only the clothes on their back and spend three months with the type of women suicide bombers dream about.

This is also in response to Sweet Hot Justice who wrote a piece “Biglaw Bros: Why Slam Pieces DON’T Want You.” The article can be found here

http://www.sweethotjustice.com/2011/03/01/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-dont-want-you/

and reposted on ATL here

http://abovethelaw.com/2011/03/biglaw-bros-why-slam-pieces-don%E2%80%99t-want-you/

Basically SHJ says that dimes aren’t interested because at the end of the day even the most successful lawyer doesn’t make shit compared to a finance guy and law just ain’t sexy.  And you know what? She’s right.  But dimes want you anyway.  Why? Let me explain.

Basically it comes down to this: having an angle.  Think Owen Wilson from “Meet the Parents.” He didn’t present himself as an investment banker or whatever the hell he was.  He presented himself as a carpenter or some kind of artist or…I must admit, it’s been awhile since I’ve seen that movie.  The point is you don’t sell yourself as a lawyer, you sell yourself as a cowboy, athlete, musician, actor, writer, etc.  Then once she’s interested you might let it drop that law is your day job, and then the beamer the valet brings around fills in the rest of the blanks for her.

No disrespect to women, but they are dumb and predictable.  A woman wants love first and security second.  That’s why you present sexy/poor and then let it drop that yeah, actually you can pay the bills.  This is actually what most girls want because women have it ingrained in them at an early age that to make a man’s income the DOMINANT factor in whether they go out with, date or engage in relations with, makes them a whore.  Again, believe it or not, most women do not want to FEEL LIKE whores.  Even the extremely hot ones.

SHJ presents the stereotypical gold-digger who also happens to be a dime.  She doesn’t give you the time of day because your buck sixty ain’t shit compared to the kid who plans to be a millionaire next year.  She also acts like she doesn’t care that her behavior makes her feel cheap.  Surely, the lowly lawyer has no shot at this gal right? Wrong.  Here’s why.

A gold digger wants to MARRY the finance guy.  That’s what a gold digger is.  They don’t just dig up the gold to look at it, or take a few gold pieces and put them in the bank just to get a taste of the good life.  The gold digger wants to marry the finance guy.  Now, being smart, and SHJ insists that she is, does she sleep with the finance guy right off the bat? No.  Otherwise he will think she is what she is, whorish and cheap.  Now, enter the law guy.  She can spot a lawyer by now, mostly by the conversation and their tendency to spend more time checking email with their phones rather than taking calls.  Definitely no gold, only copper.  But copper will do for a night.  At this point whether the lawyer does or does not go home with the girl depends on only two things 1) how physically attractive she finds him and 2) him not fucking it up by talking.

But I haven’t even gotten to the best part.  Let’s look at our competition, the finance guys and the doctors.  Dudes, these people have to work for a living.  The BEST thing about us and our MOST VALUABLE advantage is that we’re not measured by some objective end result, like portfolio performance or lives saved.  We’re measured on hours we bill, arbitrarily and inconsistently reviewed.  We actually have TIME to become the moderately decent musicians, the supporting actors in independent films and the fledgling writers that make for good bar conversation.  We have the TIME to be interesting.  And we have the TIME to go to the gym so we can at least look respectable.

After all, women are just people like us.  And at the end of the day people have sex with sexy.

Life is not fair. Nobody has pulled themselves up by their own bootstraps. You against the world = your mom was forced to abort you. If you’re alive, competent and yet don’t have your 3500 sq ft wife and Lexus then you are proof of these obvious axioms.  I look down on you (literally, not necessarily figuratively) from my office window and I want to help you.  Is it really so hard to believe? Why do you think I have written for this blog for close to a year now? It sure as hell doesn’t get me any ass.

Ok, let’s start at the beginning.  You’re young, smart, well educated but unemployed and in debt.  What to do? Obviously your biggest problem is the debt.  Why? Because the debt makes you desperate, and like a virgin on spring break debt makes what should be a very natural process of hitting that money suddenly a very awkward, self-conscious process.  I apologize to everyone, particularly the bros who read this and think my advice is akin to a manual for how to walk.  I promise my next entry will be about hitting a slam piece.

First, you never ask a friend directly for a job.  You ask your friends to ask THEIR friends for a job.  If you’ve stumbled upon this blog you obviously spend alot of time online so let me put it in terms you can understand.  Your first degree connections on Linkedin =/= job.  Your second degree connections = job.  This is good news! You have a lot more second degree connections than first degree connections and there are few living hells like working for or with a friend you did not meet in the context of the workplace.

Now let’s think about this.  Why not just ask friends/family friends if anyone where they are is hiring? Well first, this puts them in a very awkward position.  People ask me for jobs all the time, and no matter how casual they are about it or how jaded they are from endless rejection, its awkward for me and slightly humiliating for them.  It’s even WORSE if the person you are asking actually cares about you or cares about how you view them.  Say you have a buddy who is very proud of his job, has the good life etc, and then you ask him for a job.  Almost without even realizing it, you’ve challenged him.  You’ve basically said “Hey, if you’re so much the shit why don’t you toss your pal a bone? You selfish bastard.” That’s not a good look.

Now try this.  “Hey man, you know anyone who works at [fill-in the blank]? I was checking them out online and I think I’d be a great fit for y department because of x. Say, don’t you know so and so? Doesn’t she work for [fill-in the blank]?” See? Now instead of asking for something straight out, its more like you’re having a conversation.  Your friend feels like they can say no.  More importantly, when your friend asks THEIR friend about hiring that person feels almost no pressure whatsoever.  It’s also easier for this person once removed to vouch for you because all they know about you is the complimentary stuff your actual friend told them.  They’ve never actually seen you in all of the compromised positions any friend worth his salt would have seen you in, all this poor smuck is thinking about is how much of a recruitment bonus he is going to make off you.

The other thing you need is an angle.  You should never be unemployed for resume reasons.  Volunteer for some cause.  Start your own business – all it takes is a website.

Please kids.  Help me help you.  I tried to help one person after I told him my firm wasn’t hiring any IT folks but if I recalled correctly a friend at a peer firm mentioned something about an opening along those lines, but my comment was met with a blank stare.  I’d lost him as soon as he heard “wasn’t hiring.”  He then stared shame-faced at our four dollar tab (or receipt rather) at Dunkin Donuts.  I waited.  Eventually, as the line increased behind us, he fished out some change at which point I made a big show of rolling my eyes and taking out my platinum card.  I then snatched the change from his hand and put it in the tip jar.  And because in retrospect I kind of feel bad about that, I decided to write this post and explain why I did what I did.

Look, I get it.  When you’re 12 it’s no big deal to ask Uncle so-and-so for a job raking leaves or being a gofer or page in his office.  But those days are long gone.

I try and give you folks a lark with some good-old fashioned bro humor. I had a great story about a bro who opened a puppy rental stand who paid this slam piece to jerk off guys she saw walking said puppies and suggest that for paying off high interest private loans. But you people need help. Serious help. So instead I am going to explain to you something you should have learned growing up watching sports.

Now here is how I know there are no sports fans on this site. One if there were ballets among you you’d have gotten scholarships. Two if you could converse about sports with people you’d be less miserable at work, more pleasant to be around, less likely to lose your job and more likely to find a new one if you do.  And before you get started yes I am going to make a sports analogy BUT I am going to explain it so even those who think Jordan was the greatest football player because he scored the most runs in history can understand.

You are playing a game, say basketball, (round ball, bounces, played indoors) and your opponent is debt. Whoever has the most points at the end of the game (aka the amount of time you want/reasonable amount of time to take to pay off your loans is) wins. Debt is winning by the amount you owe, aided by crooked refs we’ll call interest.

Now the first thing you’re thinking is debt’s baskets count more than yours. You feel like you made one decision aka to go to school, and debt racked up a huge lead. Wrong. Every day you stayed in school was a day debt scored points and you scored none, just like every day you go to a high paying job (such as the one I have) is a day you score points and debt doesn’t.

Now in a close game a team can do what it’s used to doing and have a fair chance of winning. For most people this is working in either there chosen field or in an IT/government role in some cramped cubicle, collecting a check and making payments.

But this isn’t a close game. Moreover if you’re like Benito the opposing team might have shutdown your best player (let’s call him job). Either way though you need to find more ways to score. My homeys on the street refer to this as “hustlin’ “. Please note that this term does not denote illegal activity such as prostitution or selling drugs.

So you want to hustle. Great! There is just one problem; injuries to your roster, particularly the player known as “credit score.” Credit score would be the player that would allow you to get a traditional loan from a bank to start the sort of entrepreneurial venture most individuals associate with the American Dream. Next, if you’re underemployed you also have an injury to the player known as “time.” So in other words, it takes money to make money and time is money and you have neither. Hah!

Sorry. I’m an asshole. But seriously, it’s not all bad. Even you who are ignorant of sports are familiar with the term “comeback.” Games that are so famous that even you’ve heard of them are probably comebacks where a team that fell way behind was able to come back and win. And that’s what greatness is.

So I was at the BMW dealership looking at a 3 series when I ran into a kid from law school. Immediately I was scared that he might be looking at a 5 series, but thankfully he was not. We struck up a conversation and I was soon invited back to his place for drinks.

The first thing I noticed was the tree, or specifically what was under it. It looked like a mall exploded on his floor. There were at least ten games from every major system, three shirts from every major designer, shoes ranging from athletic to formal, three personal grooming sets, beer from Belgium, wine from France, four antiques and at least 2 of everything Apple makes, including some new Mac book I’d never heard of.

The second thing I noticed was the 52 inch HD Television and brand new furniture. I complimented him as he made me a real cocktail with top-shelf liquor and before I knew it I was getting the tour.  His bedroom had an identical television. This is where I started hating him. And I hadn’t even seen the man cave.

Three Fucking Dee.  On a television that made the others look like something you give to a little cousin to put in his dorm room once you replace the kitchen TV. His movie library was as tasteful as it was massive.

So the first thing I did when I got home was calculate how much it would cost to live that large. Yeah it was my student loan payment. Sort of.

See, in this credit driven country, the 2k plus a month I drop in student loans could buy me 10k worth of credit, aka an extra 10k worth of purchasing power. Here I was thinking I was the shit because I had 2 of 3 systems, HD and was thinking about upgrading to Blu-Ray. Yet I only have 1 40-inch 2D TV with barely enough movies to fill three drawers.

That’s it. I’ve had it. I am paying off my loans in 2011.