Mike Triforce here.  Hold the applause.  I am just not in the mood.

A few days ago I wrote a post about how the Princess was around less and given our financial bind I naturally assumed that that was due to finding or at least actively seeking gainful employment (though the couch, unwashed dishes and unwalked dog surely missed her) but I was wrong. I am still in shock but I had to…I don’t know…let me just say it.

The Princess…went back to school.

What. The. FUCK?! This trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing waistrel has been nothing but an anchor around my neck.  She can’t…we can’t…there’s no…

I mean, where to begin?  Ok, I’ll just say it.  I was counting on her daddy’s money.  Money that could have floated some of our bills or paid off some of MY LOANS for the education that is PAYING OUR BILLS.  Instead that money is going to pay her tuition so she can study Art History or some other useless endeavor.   I just wanted to tell her that those people leading the guided tours at museums aren’t speaking from academic knowledge, they are just repeating what they are listening to…they’re not deaf, that’s an earpiece. 

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I love being a lawyer. I don’t work and get paid while many of my classmates who worked hard are out in the street. Everything is better when someone who once considered themselves your equal can’t afford it. However for the past couple of months I have been rolling with some finance kids from NY and cash has become a bit stretched keeping up with them. The downside of their jobs of course is they have to actually work. Sure, I could be a millionaire in a few years but I’d rather just take the steady paycheck that is based on a fictional abstraction than a sporadic one based on results. Also it seems like every firm in Philly and Jersey willing to meet the NY market is dragging their feet with hiring.

Which brings me to the subject of the Princess. I know many of you doubt the wisdom of keeping her around but look at it this way: Now that the till is a bit empty instead of continuing to roll with the finance kids and their model-hot Swedish entourage I can fake an emergency at work and get some free (though somewhat bland and routine) sex at home. Further, I can put some pressure on her to drum up some cash.  Now usually I would say that that is synonymous with asking her daddy. I let her run-up a 15k tab knowing she could never pay me back, charging some healthy interest in the hopes of getting a daddy check, or in leiu of that unofficially taking over one of his rental properties aka nicer place and no rent. Did I mention I haven’t paid my student loans in several months to finance these NY trips? Anyone who hasn’t deduced that has never been with a swede. Tiger is a damn fool. The only woman he should have cheated with was his wife’s twin sister.

But here is where I give the Princess her do. I think…I think she actually found a job! A real job where she’s on a payroll and pays taxes like an adult! Here are the clues- she’s gone during the day and when she is around she seems tired but not the lazy I’ve been up three hours already tired but the I have done something productive today tired. She also comes back looking borderline respectable/high class slutty.

Granted their isn’t much she is fit to do but one thing she could do is sell real-estate particularly to single male investors. Successful real-estate agents can make a mint. I’m almost proud of her.

Now before all of you go calling me a dick or a chauvinist let me say I will not be spending her first commission check wining and dining a six foot Swedish model before becoming intimately familiar with the details of her anatomy. I will use her money to pay our rent and my back loans…thereby freeing up my own money to go Ikea shopping.

And I am going to tell you how to play. Sadly, anecdotes and parables seem to be lost on most of you so I am going to reduce what I am saying to several bulleted points so maybe even the thickest among you can get something out of this.  I am actually about to interview for the cushiest job on God’s green earth: law professor. If anyone asks Debtor’s Prison is not a blog with a half dozen writers but a book written solely by me.

1) Learning/Mastering material does not equal good grades
2) Aptitude/Knowledge does not equal good test scores
3) Job Skills/Work Ethic does not equal a job or job security

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I hate pre-season football.  It’s kind of like masterbating in my book. If you hear it from the other room it sounds like the real deal but at the end you don’t feel like a winner and you haven’t conquered anyone.  In my disgust I decided to see what Benito and company have produced recently.  Predictably it was a sea of crap, and really I could comment on anything written in the month of August but for the sake of time let’s focus on this “Tales of an Unpublished Author” series.  Typical Benito, he finds a loser similar to himself who writes about why he has accomplished nothing in life.  Soon he will have kids writing who got rejected from every school they applied to giving advice about how to get into Yale Law or Harvard Med.  So that’s why I hate this blog. 

And here’s why I love America.  May I present Ms. Kathryn Stockett whose novel “The Help” has been a best-seller for over a year now.  Ms. Stockett is a lilly-white 41 year-old who, from the looks of her, is no stranger to cosmetic surgery (the work is very tasteful).  She comes from old money and her book is a condescending tale chronicalling the generations of black servants employed by her family told form the perspective of one of the servants.  I promise this is not a joke and I can’t believe neither Alpha Man nor Simons Girlfriend has written about this.

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So my most recent audition was for this pilot playing a college kid who gets recruited by a top law firm without a law degree. I was GOLDEN up until I told the director that basically someone tried to parlay the least interesting 20 minutes of the movie Catch Me If You Can into a series but it’s USA so what do you expect?

So the question on your mind is could I have done it? Of course. Why didn’t I? Simple. Nobody would ever make the offer because of the liability. Imagine getting sued by all your clients at once. Arguably more importantly, without the debt and the time wasted on law school firms wouldn’t be able to control their young employees. If you want to scream constantly at a 21 year-old you better be wearing a drill seargeant’s hat and be able to kick the shit out of him. Otherwise you are liable to get your ass DROPPED.

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I root for Chicago teams because I am a winner. The ’80s Bears the ’90s Bulls and most recently the Blackhawks.  The city is also about winners. Jordan, Obama, Batman (Gotham is based on Chicago) and, well me. I’m Italian and I’ve got connections.

My idiot gf forgot to, get this, mail (not pay, just mail) our last set of bills so my student loan check and a bunch of other stuff was late. Late means fees and if you’re a student loan check it means that my streak several YEARS long has been broken making me ineligible for the September 1st interest reduction. Thanks Princess! So naturally I went on a bender in AC after selling one of her first editions her father gave her online and then saying her drug addict brother stole it. This is going somewhere I promise.

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People, I look good. I was just looking at some pictures of myself from a 4th of July party.  I mean I look spectacular. Paparazzi would have to follow me for weeks just to even have a chance at a bad shot. You know who looks terrible though? These Bush era big oil attorneys testifying in front of Congress. They are wrinkly, pale, flabby and have the stink of deceit on them. Haven’t they ever heard of face men?

Then it hit me. That’s where my next job is – big oil. If defending rich individual murderers gets you paid then imagine how much bank is in defending industrial murderers? AAAnnnd you don’t have to spend years in the DAs office working for slave wages.

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Every now and then ATL posts a story about some law professor who botches their grades, lets the exam questions leak out, withhold grades after critical deadlines making their students less competitive and let’s not forget the TTT out in Los Angeles that simply upped EVERYONE a letter grade retroactively back to 2007.    News flash assclowns, that sort of thing happens all the time.

So here we go!  This was 2L or 3L year…a time that pretty much runs together on me.  One of my law professor’s questions leaked out.  What did Mike Triforce do? Hey guys, remember, it’s me.

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I just got another text from the African Goddess I met when I ditched a suicidal Icarus at Irish Pub the other day.  Apparently she found this blog, recognized Icarus’ post and figured out who I was…and yes she read the article where I repeated racist propoganda at my firm to ingraciate myself with the partners who hold those views because I deemed them to hold more power than the younger progressive ones…with smaller books of business.  So sad.  She really was beautiful, the kind of beauty where just talking to her (and fortunately that’s all that happened) was more than enough.  But before I start sounding too much like Icarus, I promised you another post about why Professional Responsibility is a joke.

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So I might have killed three people but some idiot 3L who just passed his MPRE wants to pass judgment on me because *gasp* I bragged about a famous client who shall remain nameless (rhymes with Drave Chrappelle). Now due to trying to find a new job at a better firm, the incident in April, KF Li’s crap AND a heartfelt desire to not be perceived as such a douchebag I was tempted not to write this or at least keep it as a single post.  I have failed.

Professional Responsibility is a joke. Read on for the context of my opening statement.

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