Ok, I’m sorry but I am too good for this. It felt good being “normal” after turning my back on the law (education wise then quitting my job as a paralegal) and doing normal shit like leaving a bar at 11 pm and having co-worker friends I neither love nor hate. But I just can’t work for Olla, my bitch manager with an Associate’s degree who is a year younger than me and has three kids (which we fucking talks about all the time like I give a damn the goofy looking titty parasite rolled over at three months).

I realized I hated her when I caught myself fantasizing about killing her during a presentation I was giving and my remarks deviated from reality to fantasy. Of course nobody noticed because nobody was fucking listening but that is neither here nor there.

Now there are many reasons I could hate her (did I mention the kid thing?) the lack of education, the amazing luck she’s had during her career, the condescending way she talks to subordinates (kind of like we are her children) the way she bitches when she’s at the office past 6 because she runs the risk of missing her kid’s bedtime and the way she owns a sporty little convertible that costs three times the amount of a mini-van yet complains that not all her kids fit in it. Oh and of course I could do her job much better than she can.

But here is the reason I can’t work for her. She thinks I am stupid. Not despite my education but because of it, and she doesn’t even know about the year I spent in law school. She views my education as compensating for something that she was just born with – like four year college degree was special Ed or something like that. She always asks the same question with her eyes “why did you go to school for twice as long for three times the cost per year to make less than a third of what I make? Don’t you like money?”

This isn’t going to work. I would rather be unemployed than deal with this garbage. The only question is whether to quit and live like Benito or do the unthinkable – double down on education FULL TIME.

So I’ve been at my new job for just under a year and am at that crucial point where the mere fact that my job is not something I remember hating is no longer enough to sustain me through each day.  This development has coincided with a mental paradigm shift: I no longer compare myself to the broken, debt-ridden, one foot in the grave at 30 law school classmates of yesteryear. I now compare myself to the young professionals who are getting married, starting families and doing this peculiar activity called “living.” This is significant because whereas I am doing much better than my colleagues left to rot in the dead legal profession I am doing much worse than my colleagues who went the “business analyst” route (think liberal arts majors with soft computer skills).

I don’t think my experience is unique. When you get out of s really bad situation, below average seems fantastic. In relationships it’s called being on the rebound. Then one day you wake up next to a married assistant manager of your local deli and realize just because he doesn’t hit you or sell your stuff online doesn’t mean he’s Mr. Right. Well, I just realized my job is that assistant manager.

The question is what to do about it. It’s no secret that hard work is not all it’s cracked up to be in the real world. Most hard work comes from the stick, not the carrot and there is no guarantee that if I suddenly spend less time shopping online the powers that be will notice it.  Then there is of course finding another job. I don’t want to do this for two reasons. The obvious first is Benito who has spent years unsuccessfully trying to find a job and still bursts into tears over the interview that was cancelled on him. Bedsides looking for a job is a full time job and I just don’t care that much.

The second reason is that my inability to be satisfied with my moderate under-employment illustrates that I am beginning to forget how horrid law was, which means under the right circumstances (a raise, feeling fat) I just might go back, either as a paralegal or law student or even both. Unacceptable.

There is a third option. I could slack at my current job as much as possible while simultaneously trying to start my own business on the side. Of course to do that I would have to find something I care about. The only thing I’ve cared about recently is whether I’ve been religious about using condoms and by recently I mean for the last three years at least.

I was furious when I read the headline about the woman who was dismissed from her job at a law firm days after suffering a miscarriage.

http://abovethelaw.com/2008/05/breaking-a-dramatic-farewell-emailand-proof-of-paul-hastings-layoffs-/

Needing to vent I turned to the first woman I saw in the office despite somewhere in the back of my mind knowing she was one of those bible thumping conservatives. No joke, the conversation went something like:

“Can you BELIEVE what happened to this poor woman?!”

“She should have stayed in the damn kitchen.”

“Pardon?”

“She should have been at home. If there weren’t so many women in the workplace, particularly lawyers, then perhaps my nephew could find a job or get into law school.”

“What if she had just decided to get an abortion huh? I bet you’d support more work life balance then.”

“Then she would have burned in hell. She probably will anyway. Her act of working was an abortive act in the eyes of the Lord. Better the child suffer in purgatory than be raised in a damned household.”

The woman crossed herself and went into the ladies room. I considered following her, grabbing her by the hair, and slamming her head into the latrine until I felt better. Instead I called Alpha Man and asked him why there were so many more turncoat women than turncoat blacks. Do we have to be constantly arrested and fucked up by the cops to remind us where we still stand in society?

Alpha Man broke it down for me. According to the Alpha gospel sexism is actually closer related to homophobia than racism because barring interracial marriage sexism like homophobia comes into and divides family units. Husbands, sons, brothers and fathers practice it against wives, daughters, sisters and mothers.

Then there is the fact that for women it is much more common to be sucked into the “safety bubble” aka a comfortable life so long as you don’t rock the boat. Alpha Man says blacks who trade their integrity for this comfortable life are called “house [Negroes]” hmmmm… What other term begins with “house?” ah yes, house wives!

Yes, I’ll say it – it’s time we move away from house wives. If I ask a woman whose currently not working and has young children I automatically lose respect if I hear “house wife” in response to “what do you do?” Instead, how about “I’m a/in [blank].” Period. Then if they ask where you work you say “I am taking some time off but I last worked at/in.” If they ask if you’re looking for a job you say “While I always am open to a perfect opportunity and may have limited time to take on part time projects I am not currently in the job market.” THEN if they ask about your family gush about your kids. It’s fine to talk about them, but if we want gender equality we can’t talk about our kids when asked about our jobs or careers.

Alpha Man doesn’t pull his punches when he addresses the black community and I am not going to when I talk to women. If you’re not working and have kids keep up with your old profession. Be able to discuss it intelligently. Think about what you can do on the side. You owe it to the rest of us. And if you are one of those women who has never done anything but raise kids don’t tell me it’s your choice and that you’re happy and fulfilled. You are lying to me, you’re lying to yourself and you are embarassing both of us.

As the person with the lowest loan balance and second-highest current income I feel it’s my responsibility to say “wake up guys.” Now I am not saying it can’t be done but what I am saying is that if Benito or Triforce had enough going for them that they could come up with 200k apiece after taxes, they probably wouldn’t have student loans in the first place.  Additionally, the amount of money they would have to make and the time they would have to do it in negates most if not all legitimate enterprises given that they have no access to capital.

So let’s start with the most financially successful of the two: Mike Triforce.  Given his womanizing ways and association with failed actors my gut tells me his best shot is setting up a porn site starring himself.  Please, I am not being glib and I am disgusted by the idea but porn is legal and I would not be surprised if his girlfriend has supplemented her income with occasional work in the industry. Ok, that was catty, I (should) take that back.

Still, it’s a lot of work and my prediction is that if Triforce were to try it he’d end up with a half-built site and a handful of paternity suits (no diseases that he hasn’t already been exposed to though). More likely Triforce will go to AC and try and turn a paycheck into 200k by entering poker tournaments. He’ll win a low stakes tournament where most of the players are retired women and then blow a paycheck for real players and get cleaned out. Oh, and that last comment wasn’t catty. Triforce himself routinely refers to her as a slut.

Now for Benito. Now honey, I love you but you’re not making 200k.  I don’t even trust you with your mother’s insurance policy kiddo.  Your best bet is asking your brothers, perhaps playing one off the other.  But you won’t do that. You’ll mess with google ads and try and up the traffic on this site before begging viewers 10 months from now to donate to a paypal account which your mother will add $50 to on your birthday to encourage you. But at least hopefully you won’t lose money.

2020, difficult but not in possible. 2025, aggressive but doable. 2035? Heck, on a 30 year plan that’s still ahead of schedule since both of you have higher loan totals than when you graduated.

Christmas parties are different outside of law.  Sort of like debt. On the outside it’s credit card debt as opposed to educational. The thing about credit card debt is that you can get out of it just most…don’t. Same thing with the Christmas party…there are just too many people to make sure you go and yet most do.

At a law holiday party people just let their ass hang out.  I’ve been groped, sexually harassed and forced to continually drink to the point that I had to regularly pour out fresh drinks in the ladies room.  The party doesn’t end until 12 am and the mandatory after party doesn’t stop until 2. Partners openly consort with mistresses.  It’s like student debt. Here it comes. Hard and fast. There’s a lot and you’re staying until the end.

Company parties are different.  Everyone is still cordial and polite and only a handful of people meet the enthusiasm of an average patron at an average bar on an average Tuesday night AND those people usually already have reputations for being “fun.” Looks however do linger a little longer. A reluctant handshake becomes an awkward hug. Someone might have a second glass of wine. The party ends promptly at 9. These people have to drive afterall.

So imagine my surprise when I saw my manager, a father of two with a third on the way, emerge from a stall after a crying young analyst with a new engagement ring on her finger. The look on my manager’s face was the sort of look that said “Divorce me, I won’t fight it. I deserve it. Take everything.” The girl, who of course is sitting on a gold mine of a lawsuit will instead beg not to be fired and take the first new job she can find. Whether she confesses her infidelity will depend on how much she likes her ring and whether invitations have gone out.

Credit card debt sneaks up on you. That bathroom triste was coming for two years according to my coworkers. At a law firm the only things that take that long are getting results. But let the balance ride and have a slip coincide with a rate hike and suddenly you have a problem…one you are not accustomed to, and a lack of familiarity with that new world leads to a host of issues that never would have come up if damage control for indulging in indiscretion was just a regular part of life.

Whether it’s student debt or credit card debt the best policy is to not get in it. And as far as Christmas parties go the best policy is not to go.

Now I know how Alpha Man feels about Clarence Thomas thanks to Sarah Palin. I don’t just mean a political figure the same sex and race as I am who is in favor of systematically destroying the infrastructure set-up to combat the discrimination against people like me that’s reinforced by hundreds of years of injustice. I was always of the opinion that anyone possessing normal human empathy could understand that. I am talking about something more specific.

When one discovers their education is either useless or to some degree a hindrance you try and find other reasons it was worth it. Alpha Man has been known to remark “at least I made alot of white people mad.” Touche Alpha Man. Similarly I got satisfaction out of proving guys who thought a woman’s place was the kitchen wrong.  In fact the hardest part of my law school hiatus was taking a paralegal job working for predominantly men who would assume I couldn’t hack law school which ironically made me more attractive to them. Some of my single friends who stuck it out actually envied me. But screw that. I only need to meet one acceptable guy whose not intimidated by me to have a relationship. The rest can cower in fear and I take satisfaction in that. It’s almost worth the 28 cents less per dollar I will make in my lifetime.

So then Sarah Palin comes along and essentially wipes out a decade’s worth of little victories – my own and millions of nameless women. I mean Sarah Palin is probably the most famous woman that a great deal of men can name and those men are the most likely to harbor sexist views.  I can almost hear their thoughts “she has to write notes on her hand… she may be the next President but she’s still a woman!” After that there’s nothing you as a woman can do to prove to that man you are his intellectual equal (or in alot of cases superior).

I grew up in the eighties where cartoons tried to teach kids gender equality with an episode where the female characters beat or rescue the male characters.  The most notable of course is the Chipmunk Adventure when the Chippettes beat/save the Chipmunks even though they took a detour to save a baby penguin.

While Sarah Palin may look like Janette, the awkward nerdy Chippette with her glasses and brown hair in a bun, she has none of Janette’s spunk or character. You need to look to Nancy Pelosi for that. Sarah Palin is more like the older female character who would tell the heroine she couldn’t do it. That it wasn’t a woman’s place.

So I am out at a restaurant with SG and some of her doctor friends. The night is a waste. All but one of the male doctors came in their scrubs which is a non-starter and the only one who didn’t removed his until then welcome hand on my knees when his buddy not so subtlely let it slip that he was engaged. The tool then turns his conversation to Egypt where he had recently vacationed with said fiancée and turns out half the table had been. I hadn’t said anything in awhile so I make some cliche crack about rich doctors.

The table goes silent. They look indignant. They say that as residents they make “nothing” and that I make more than anyone at the table. They then proceed to nominate me to pay the bill. I am speechless.

For a split second my half-lawyer instinct kicks in and I drop plastic. They proceed to order drinks and after dinner appetizers. Yes, they ordered more food after their entrees as soon as it became free to them. I had to sign the name of one of those douche bags and report my card stolen and I hate using Mike Triforce tricks.

SG here. Yeah. That just happened. First, in my profession’s defense it’s not like Erin has never seen Scrubs and doesn’t know Medical residents resent their low pay COMPARATIVE TO LEVEL of EDUCATION. Nevertheless I’ll admit the situation is akin to the rich kid with a paper route lamenting his economic situation based solely on his income from that endeavor. I can personally atest to the fact that no one present at the dinner actually has to live solely on their residency wages.

Look, doctors are not economists. If they were they’d have chosen finance.  Benito and Alpha Man have written endlessly about the inter-generational transfer of wealth and Erin wrote “my rich friends make less than my poor friends” so it’s sort of understood what we mean when we say we’re poor. It’s not that we have a low wage necessarily or a high one with alot of debt we mean that we lack the current and foreseeable economic means to provide for our basic needs without running afoul of the legal system. Doctors don’t understand that like Eskimos don’t understand the rain forest. It’s just too far removed from their perspective.

So what is the doctor’s perspective? A young doctor considers his or herself to exist within their own bright future’s history. They know in 20 years they’ll be telling stories about how they built themselves up from nothing. They believe their own shit before they’ve even eaten the meal. But let’s get off doctors before I’m labeled a turncoat. The problem is not doctors after all, it’s America.

Building something from nothing is the most popular American legend. In fact the ability or right to do so, as opposed to a. system of aristocracy or slavery was at the heart of our greatest wars. But the fact that that right exists does not mean that it’s practice is common if for no other reason that those who are successful at doing so necessarily deprive their children of the chance for doing so by providing for them. It’s called the middle class.

Now I know this post was long before I even began talking but here is my point about student debt. It deprives families of that middle-classness by creating a black hole for funds that would have been down payments on first houses or a used car after school or a loan to start that small business. Rather than any of those things kids get a piece of paper worth less than the crumbled newspaper homeless people use to insulate themselves against the cold. Doctors are given much but feel they are independent and self-made. The broken debtors give everything and borrow to give more and receive nothing…but feel they are dependent internal infants sucking at society’s bottle.

Alpha Man responded to my last article so I thought I would return the favor. I too was there when Benito decided to steer clear of Debt Free U. I thought it was the right decision and Alpha Man’s diatribe confirms that.

Look, I am not taking a position one way or another. I haven’t read the book. But what I am saying is that if you take the premise that Benito and Alpha Man put forward that their degrees have been worthless with respect to landing jobs, then regardless of a Debt Free U degree’s value in the marketplace, it’s better than doing it any other way because it’s the cheapest option.

Let’s make a common analogy. Say your degree is toilet paper. You’re unemployed or under employed in an unrelated field. How is your status made worse by changing the name on your degree? If you search “shame” on this blog you will probably think a lesser known name is actually better. Returning to the toilet paper example, if you buy a six pack of the roughest, weakest toilet paper around for 2 bucks, and then you find a way to get the same quantity for 1 buck but you’ve never tried it, aren’t you better off with taking a chance and paying the $1?

The analogy falls apart a bit. Toilet paper in theory can always be worse, say with an allergen embedded in it, and you only do undergrad once – though one can always get more degrees I suppose.  The point is – if you take Benito and Alpha Man at their literal word their degrees and most like them are worthless. Therefore the only variable is cost.

And from blogging apparently. This is the fourth post I have started. Fingers crossed that I finish.  My break from
Politics doesn’t mean starting now that the election is almost passed. I mean my break since I switched jobs.  Lawyers tend to have a hyper sensitivity to politics. Debt and money too for that matter – even though they do not have a lion’s share of either.

Most people think of politics like their favorite sports team. They started voting for a party or following a team probably because their father did or because that is what you had to do to get along where ever you happen to be. Last night’s game is discussed over coffee during the early week and… that’s it.

I will vote of course. But this serene place I like to call an average corporate office has allowed me to see and state the obvious. After all that is what consultants do. Republicans will make gains because it is a midterm election. Something unexpected but ultimately minor will happen and Republicans will fail to win Congress in it’s entirety. If Obama pulls out of Afghanistan and the economy turns around he’ll get reelected. If not, he won’t.

I am also developing the same attitude about my debt. The “it’s just another bill” attitude. My coworkers have predominantly under water mortgages. A paid off car is unheard of and a five figure credit card balance is the norm. Sure, if they knew what I know they could use estate planning and bankruptcy to their advantage but you know what? Regular people don’t think that way. I asked during a working lunch once how many of them thought you could be employed and declare bankruptcy and not a single one raised their hand. Silly me. A job means you have money. Bankruptcy means you have none. This is the world 90% of people live in folks.

Also let me drop something on you, self-pitying student debtors brace yourself: it’s much worse to owe say $32k in credit card debt than $48k in student loans due to interest and payment plan options.  Given to equally poor bastards who only make the minimum payment and pay on average two thirds of the time, a few years out the credit card bill could more than double while the student debt will remain the same pretty much.

This is a normal life people. You get a job. You get credit cards.  You get a paycheck. You get a bill. Repeat steps 3-4. The only difference between you, the student debtor, and Hector from IT is that you made one huge mistake to create your debt while Hector made numerous tiny mistakes to create his. You have a much lower interest rate, know how bankruptcy works but can’t use it. Hector has a much higher interest rate, could declare bankruptcy but is unfamiliar with the concept.

So let’s all take a break and enjoy some normalcy before the insanity of the holidays followed by 4 months of terrible weather.

Leave it to Alpha Man to turn something he read on Sweet Hot Justice into a racial conspiracy theory. I have an alternate observation along the same lines of what does or does not constitute “rich” for tax purposes or in terms of being able to travel in certain circles.  My (new job) rich friends make less than my (old job) poor friends. A lot less actually. I am talking 50% on average. How? Why? I find the answer not in any historical patterns but in the age old question of which came first, the chicken or the egg?

Click on to read more

Let’s take two people, we’ll call them chicken and egg. For the sake of argument let’s assume you’re a chicken farmer, and a full grown chicken is what you want.  Now chicken either lives at home for a year/goes to community college or goes to whatever state school his parents can COMFORTABLY pay for. Egg goes to college right away, borrows what he needs and goes to the best school he gets into. Chicken works while in school and upon graduation goes to work full-time where he worked in school-six months later he interviews at other companies with a resume that shows several years experience.    Egg immediately goes to grad school. He borrows again for this and upon graduation can find no paid work so he works several unpaid internships. 18 months after graduation his resume lacks any real experience. Chicken who is the same age has been actually working four and a half years full-time and has over six years of experience on paper. Egg then gets a job making twice that of Chicken. For two years each advances on schedule. Freeze – who’s rich? Chicken. Why? Because all along he was chicken and chicken is the name of the game.

Chicken got paid THEN paid his dues. Egg did things the other way around. Now for all you math whizzes out there you are calculating at what point Egg passes chicken aka how long does it take at a double salary to overcome the debt, four and a half years of work, extra taxes, etc. Just on a numbers crunch what I’ve said is true since I am mid-late 20s. Your numbers show things evening out after just under a decade. Now let me tell you why Chicken stays ahead.

While Egg is still in school he feels entitled to no, not what Chicken has, but something the next level up.  So whereas Egg needs to be living at a standard well below Chicken to catch up, he instead insists on living at a standard slightly ABOVE Chicken, and the debt rather than shrinking grows exponentially.  It is the difference between a wound scabbing over or becoming infected.  Even when Egg realizes what he must do, the level to which he must stoop to have any hope of getting out of debt is always just below where he is willing to go.

Eventually Chicken begins to inherit things from family members who didn’t go broke paying for his education.  Egg received all his help from the previous generation while he was in school.  Homes that would have been owned and then bequethed were instead remortgaged and then either lost or sold.  Egg’s only hope to be better than Chicken is to send his kids to a better school.  Egg’s children also get less financial aid because Egg makes more on paper. 

Eventually Egg dies after preventing/ruining his eldest child’s first marriage because the spouse/potential spouse is not an egg. Egg leaves behind minimal insurance and a deep sense of inadequacy as a lasting legacy.  Meanwhile Chicken has saved up enough to pay for his daughter’s wedding because he sent her to state school and is looking forward to grand children.

Don’t be like Egg.