Recently I came across this article from cracked basically stating that shit is harder than you think and the reason the world is messed up is that we have unrealistic expectations because movies like the Karate Kid make us think that becoming good at something takes five minutes because that’s how long it takes in real time in fictional stories. Ummm, ok.

I am not going to point out the irony of a man who gets paid to comment on pop-culture writing an article about how difficult life is when he is part of the creative class, who essentially won the lottery of getting to do something mildly enjoyable for pay, regardless of how meager that pay actually is.  I mean hell, I am writing this for free and I have to be at work in an hour.  Instead, I want to point to the real lesson here: hard work is not as correlated with success as we’re taught to believe.

My boss does not work hard.  He was unremarkable in high school and college, made arbitrary decisions and started looking for jobs when the economy was good.  He’s not particularly charming, an above average liar and is pretty good at selling clients shit they don’t need (but no better than your average used car salesman).  He also happened to support a number of people who got forced out, taking their place in their absence. My boss, like the countless folks we all know who have worked their asses off with nothing to show for it, is not unique.

I wanted to write this because I am tired of having people throw the old “good is not good enough” crap in my face and folks who are similarly situated. I get the “stop bitching about your loans the world doesn’t owe you anything” all the time. This however is worse.  The previous comment = life’s not fair which by definition must mean that occasionally the world isn’t fair in someone’s favor.  THIS is more like “stop bitching about your student loans the world always rewards those who work, you’re just not working hard enough.”  Really?

Look people, hard work is like chocolate chips and success is like cookies.  Chocolate chips are a common ingredient in cookies, but they do not alone a cookie make and there are plenty of cookies without them.  What makes a good cookie usually is a good recipe.  The more nuanced and detailed the better. What makes a good life is a good plan.  The more nuanced and detailed the better.

That was our mistake folks.  Our plan to borrow money, go to school, and get a decent job was flawed.  We missed the nuances of the economy and job market and we overlooked the details of what it would cost to pay them back.  Our psychological problem isn’t that we had unrealistic expectations of how hard we had to work to get where we wanted to be, it’s that we thought we were being risk averse by doing what our parents wanted.  If our plan had been to become an actor or professional athlete I think we could all rest a little easier with things not working out because we took a calculated risk.

Fast forwarding ahead does it make sense, as the cracked article would suggest, that I work twice as hard instead of having a glass of Chardonnay after leaving work early and curling up with my Karate Kid DVD? Maybe, if my boss wasn’t a childhood friend who enjoys rubbing my face in his success and hence will never promote me. Does that mean I just give up and spend all my time whining? Maybe, if more people read this blog and I could eek out a living.  Instead I think I will come up with a better, more nuanced plan.

Game on

We were warned about this when we were children, it’s in Aesop’s Fables. Fortunately due to our crippling debt we’ll never have families.  There is always the chance of a contraception mishap but now that I’m on the other side of 30 I don’t really see that happening. But I digress.  The Tortoise and the Hare.  The way I read this story now is that we are Hares, the Tortoises are our idiot peers who coasted through high school and their state University of choice, only to end up managing us after we went into debt earning useless degrees that don’t land us jobs in this economy. I mean when you think about it, these ignoramuses who can drink a keg and not fall over are the epitome of “slow and steady.”

But seriously, let’s look at the Economics of this. In addition to reading children’s picture books I also have read the Wall Street Journal as of late. The article pointed out that the number 1 indicator of future success is the state of the economy your first 2-3 years of working. Kids who enter the job market in a recession NEVER recover to the point of other classes no matter how good they are or how fast they run.

So while you were borrowing 30k+ a year to go to grad school your idiot neighbor with a BA in political intrigue (because it makes him sound like a spy) was already earning 42k a year, which was 60k with no debt by the time the economy slid into the toilet.  Meanwhile you graduated to nothing with six figure debt.  3-5 years later, you consider yourself lucky (at first) to be getting 40k a year which isn’t even the STARTING salary of your idiot friend with none of your credentials, and by now he’s making six figures, thanks to the 15% raises he kept getting even after the economy sunk because by then he had “experience.”

For your own sanity’s sake my first recommendation is that you disassociate as much as you can socially from the idiot drawing six figures.  I know its tough if the individual REALLY IS your boss, but to the extent possible try and avoid looking at their smug, ugly, condescending face. Oh and drink. Otherwise you’ll find yourself planning an office shooting.

For those of you who are not completely broken, there is…well, hope is a strong word.  You have a chance, let’s put it at that. Just remember a couple of things 1) this idiot is still an idiot 2) stop playing their game 3) the secret to success is non-wage based income.

First, your idiot friend is still an idiot.  And he lives in a completely different world than you.  There was no recession for this kid. He will still borrow heavily to buy the perfect house.  He has car payments. He won’t pick up a tab at a bar and he’ll charge you $20 to chip in for alcohol at his house, but all the expensive toys you just spent $20 and an evening you’ll never get back to look at…the gym equipment he never uses and the music equipment he hopefully never uses, that’s all him.  Let’s not forget the idiot spouse and did I mention this fool has kids on purpose? Things might just even out due to the miracle of Regular debt.

Second, you need to stop playing their game.  This means two basic things.  First, you are never going to have the trappings of a middle class life, such as home ownership, a car seven years old or less, children, or savings. Second, you are not going to get promoted at your current job or get a better job similar to the job you have (in terms of utilizing the same skillset). This means if you are working hard at your day job, you’re doing life wrong.  Your new motto needs to be “do what it takes not to get fired.”  Do this and watch other smart people like you get fired for embarrassing their idiot boss, emerging as a threat, or just constantly being in high risk situations.

Third, non-wage based income. Continue to live like a filthy student, decide once and for-all if you are going to aggressively pay down your debt or default, and then sink every penny you make into some kind of investment, whether its buying a fleet of food trucks, flipping houses, or selling junk you find on e-bay. It’s the only way really.

Our nap was called “grad school” and it proved fatal in this race.  For the rematch the now wealthy tortoise has paid his goons to do a number on our legs with a crowbar.  Now the only way to win is to take a traditionally thought of as risky path now that the tortoise is all risk-averse because he has something to lose.

But please for the love of god people, don’t go back to sleep.  Another degree is not the answer.

In my last post I talked about how it is impossible for heavily indebted students with fancy degrees to hold normal jobs because the rest of the world hates and resents us. Well it’s true, and there is really nothing you can do about it after you’ve taken on the debt, gotten the degree, and fallen off the narrow path of career advancement necessary to be at the top of your field. However you CAN avoid a common trap that I’ve fallen into: regular debt.

There is a tendency once you’ve accepted the fact that you’re not going to be special to feel entitled to being normal. You stop showing up to work early and working on the weekends. You go out on Wednesday nights.  You buy stuff you see your friends buying. And what’s $500 balance on a credit card? You owe 250 times that amount in student debt AND credit card debt is dischargeable.

At first things are fine. Nobody notices that you’re hung over Thursday mornings. People start calling you a “team player.” You stop dreaming of an X5 and get that Nissan Murano. You begin to confuse colleagues and friends.

Now here is where things begin to turn. Back when you considered yourself better than these people and it was chic to be poor (so you could justify future extravagances to yourself) you always paid off your credit card bill each month. The reason this became conventional wisdom is as lost to you as the reasoning behind going to a good school. And look how well that turned out. The problem is of course the interest rate – and the fact you rely more heavily on credit because the people you think are your friends now don’t have student loans YET (wait for it) still have ENORMOUS regular debt loads.

Think about that. The meaningless, trifling, shiftless existence you thought of as your floor in life actually requires debt financing by your idiot co-workers who are less qualified yet further advanced at your crappy company than you.

I forgot this lesson and now I have plenty of regular debt to go with my student debt.

My name is Erin Samus and I am a graduate of a top 10 private university.  I compounded that mistake by attending law school briefly, but I turned my life around. I dropped out of law school even though I made Law Review and got a job as a paralegal. Four years later I was in the top 70% of earners from my graduating year. One year ago I took a job as a business analyst for a mid-major consulting firm. I still had debt but I figured I would gradually pay it off as my salary increased and I got promoted.

But I didn’t get promoted. If anything I am lower on the totem pole thanks to several reshufflings of the firm’s official hierarchy. I learned salary “adjustments” were essentially pay cuts. I worked harder and this only made it worse. I watched as youthful misfits were promoted over me.

One day as I was fetching donuts and being casually sexually harassed I noticed the degree on the wall of my boss’s boss. State.

Over the next month I casually inquired after all my admin team’s leadership and there was a lot of State with a smattering of Tech and every now and then an A&M. One joined the military at 16, retired at 36 and was an Executive at 39 looking 29. He had no high school degree. Prior to learning this I flirted with him.

We expect to be able to enter the normal world as Ivy league graduates once our dreams don’t pan out. That world is forever closed to us. Our options are President or barista, and not managing barista but Jr. Barista. We pay for our degrees multiple times. First with debt and second with the scorn of the outside world.

Ok, I’m sorry but I am too good for this. It felt good being “normal” after turning my back on the law (education wise then quitting my job as a paralegal) and doing normal shit like leaving a bar at 11 pm and having co-worker friends I neither love nor hate. But I just can’t work for Olla, my bitch manager with an Associate’s degree who is a year younger than me and has three kids (which we fucking talks about all the time like I give a damn the goofy looking titty parasite rolled over at three months).

I realized I hated her when I caught myself fantasizing about killing her during a presentation I was giving and my remarks deviated from reality to fantasy. Of course nobody noticed because nobody was fucking listening but that is neither here nor there.

Now there are many reasons I could hate her (did I mention the kid thing?) the lack of education, the amazing luck she’s had during her career, the condescending way she talks to subordinates (kind of like we are her children) the way she bitches when she’s at the office past 6 because she runs the risk of missing her kid’s bedtime and the way she owns a sporty little convertible that costs three times the amount of a mini-van yet complains that not all her kids fit in it. Oh and of course I could do her job much better than she can.

But here is the reason I can’t work for her. She thinks I am stupid. Not despite my education but because of it, and she doesn’t even know about the year I spent in law school. She views my education as compensating for something that she was just born with – like four year college degree was special Ed or something like that. She always asks the same question with her eyes “why did you go to school for twice as long for three times the cost per year to make less than a third of what I make? Don’t you like money?”

This isn’t going to work. I would rather be unemployed than deal with this garbage. The only question is whether to quit and live like Benito or do the unthinkable – double down on education FULL TIME.

So I’ve been at my new job for just under a year and am at that crucial point where the mere fact that my job is not something I remember hating is no longer enough to sustain me through each day.  This development has coincided with a mental paradigm shift: I no longer compare myself to the broken, debt-ridden, one foot in the grave at 30 law school classmates of yesteryear. I now compare myself to the young professionals who are getting married, starting families and doing this peculiar activity called “living.” This is significant because whereas I am doing much better than my colleagues left to rot in the dead legal profession I am doing much worse than my colleagues who went the “business analyst” route (think liberal arts majors with soft computer skills).

I don’t think my experience is unique. When you get out of s really bad situation, below average seems fantastic. In relationships it’s called being on the rebound. Then one day you wake up next to a married assistant manager of your local deli and realize just because he doesn’t hit you or sell your stuff online doesn’t mean he’s Mr. Right. Well, I just realized my job is that assistant manager.

The question is what to do about it. It’s no secret that hard work is not all it’s cracked up to be in the real world. Most hard work comes from the stick, not the carrot and there is no guarantee that if I suddenly spend less time shopping online the powers that be will notice it.  Then there is of course finding another job. I don’t want to do this for two reasons. The obvious first is Benito who has spent years unsuccessfully trying to find a job and still bursts into tears over the interview that was cancelled on him. Bedsides looking for a job is a full time job and I just don’t care that much.

The second reason is that my inability to be satisfied with my moderate under-employment illustrates that I am beginning to forget how horrid law was, which means under the right circumstances (a raise, feeling fat) I just might go back, either as a paralegal or law student or even both. Unacceptable.

There is a third option. I could slack at my current job as much as possible while simultaneously trying to start my own business on the side. Of course to do that I would have to find something I care about. The only thing I’ve cared about recently is whether I’ve been religious about using condoms and by recently I mean for the last three years at least.

I was furious when I read the headline about the woman who was dismissed from her job at a law firm days after suffering a miscarriage.

http://abovethelaw.com/2008/05/breaking-a-dramatic-farewell-emailand-proof-of-paul-hastings-layoffs-/

Needing to vent I turned to the first woman I saw in the office despite somewhere in the back of my mind knowing she was one of those bible thumping conservatives. No joke, the conversation went something like:

“Can you BELIEVE what happened to this poor woman?!”

“She should have stayed in the damn kitchen.”

“Pardon?”

“She should have been at home. If there weren’t so many women in the workplace, particularly lawyers, then perhaps my nephew could find a job or get into law school.”

“What if she had just decided to get an abortion huh? I bet you’d support more work life balance then.”

“Then she would have burned in hell. She probably will anyway. Her act of working was an abortive act in the eyes of the Lord. Better the child suffer in purgatory than be raised in a damned household.”

The woman crossed herself and went into the ladies room. I considered following her, grabbing her by the hair, and slamming her head into the latrine until I felt better. Instead I called Alpha Man and asked him why there were so many more turncoat women than turncoat blacks. Do we have to be constantly arrested and fucked up by the cops to remind us where we still stand in society?

Alpha Man broke it down for me. According to the Alpha gospel sexism is actually closer related to homophobia than racism because barring interracial marriage sexism like homophobia comes into and divides family units. Husbands, sons, brothers and fathers practice it against wives, daughters, sisters and mothers.

Then there is the fact that for women it is much more common to be sucked into the “safety bubble” aka a comfortable life so long as you don’t rock the boat. Alpha Man says blacks who trade their integrity for this comfortable life are called “house [Negroes]” hmmmm… What other term begins with “house?” ah yes, house wives!

Yes, I’ll say it – it’s time we move away from house wives. If I ask a woman whose currently not working and has young children I automatically lose respect if I hear “house wife” in response to “what do you do?” Instead, how about “I’m a/in [blank].” Period. Then if they ask where you work you say “I am taking some time off but I last worked at/in.” If they ask if you’re looking for a job you say “While I always am open to a perfect opportunity and may have limited time to take on part time projects I am not currently in the job market.” THEN if they ask about your family gush about your kids. It’s fine to talk about them, but if we want gender equality we can’t talk about our kids when asked about our jobs or careers.

Alpha Man doesn’t pull his punches when he addresses the black community and I am not going to when I talk to women. If you’re not working and have kids keep up with your old profession. Be able to discuss it intelligently. Think about what you can do on the side. You owe it to the rest of us. And if you are one of those women who has never done anything but raise kids don’t tell me it’s your choice and that you’re happy and fulfilled. You are lying to me, you’re lying to yourself and you are embarassing both of us.

As the person with the lowest loan balance and second-highest current income I feel it’s my responsibility to say “wake up guys.” Now I am not saying it can’t be done but what I am saying is that if Benito or Triforce had enough going for them that they could come up with 200k apiece after taxes, they probably wouldn’t have student loans in the first place.  Additionally, the amount of money they would have to make and the time they would have to do it in negates most if not all legitimate enterprises given that they have no access to capital.

So let’s start with the most financially successful of the two: Mike Triforce.  Given his womanizing ways and association with failed actors my gut tells me his best shot is setting up a porn site starring himself.  Please, I am not being glib and I am disgusted by the idea but porn is legal and I would not be surprised if his girlfriend has supplemented her income with occasional work in the industry. Ok, that was catty, I (should) take that back.

Still, it’s a lot of work and my prediction is that if Triforce were to try it he’d end up with a half-built site and a handful of paternity suits (no diseases that he hasn’t already been exposed to though). More likely Triforce will go to AC and try and turn a paycheck into 200k by entering poker tournaments. He’ll win a low stakes tournament where most of the players are retired women and then blow a paycheck for real players and get cleaned out. Oh, and that last comment wasn’t catty. Triforce himself routinely refers to her as a slut.

Now for Benito. Now honey, I love you but you’re not making 200k.  I don’t even trust you with your mother’s insurance policy kiddo.  Your best bet is asking your brothers, perhaps playing one off the other.  But you won’t do that. You’ll mess with google ads and try and up the traffic on this site before begging viewers 10 months from now to donate to a paypal account which your mother will add $50 to on your birthday to encourage you. But at least hopefully you won’t lose money.

2020, difficult but not in possible. 2025, aggressive but doable. 2035? Heck, on a 30 year plan that’s still ahead of schedule since both of you have higher loan totals than when you graduated.

Christmas parties are different outside of law.  Sort of like debt. On the outside it’s credit card debt as opposed to educational. The thing about credit card debt is that you can get out of it just most…don’t. Same thing with the Christmas party…there are just too many people to make sure you go and yet most do.

At a law holiday party people just let their ass hang out.  I’ve been groped, sexually harassed and forced to continually drink to the point that I had to regularly pour out fresh drinks in the ladies room.  The party doesn’t end until 12 am and the mandatory after party doesn’t stop until 2. Partners openly consort with mistresses.  It’s like student debt. Here it comes. Hard and fast. There’s a lot and you’re staying until the end.

Company parties are different.  Everyone is still cordial and polite and only a handful of people meet the enthusiasm of an average patron at an average bar on an average Tuesday night AND those people usually already have reputations for being “fun.” Looks however do linger a little longer. A reluctant handshake becomes an awkward hug. Someone might have a second glass of wine. The party ends promptly at 9. These people have to drive afterall.

So imagine my surprise when I saw my manager, a father of two with a third on the way, emerge from a stall after a crying young analyst with a new engagement ring on her finger. The look on my manager’s face was the sort of look that said “Divorce me, I won’t fight it. I deserve it. Take everything.” The girl, who of course is sitting on a gold mine of a lawsuit will instead beg not to be fired and take the first new job she can find. Whether she confesses her infidelity will depend on how much she likes her ring and whether invitations have gone out.

Credit card debt sneaks up on you. That bathroom triste was coming for two years according to my coworkers. At a law firm the only things that take that long are getting results. But let the balance ride and have a slip coincide with a rate hike and suddenly you have a problem…one you are not accustomed to, and a lack of familiarity with that new world leads to a host of issues that never would have come up if damage control for indulging in indiscretion was just a regular part of life.

Whether it’s student debt or credit card debt the best policy is to not get in it. And as far as Christmas parties go the best policy is not to go.

Now I know how Alpha Man feels about Clarence Thomas thanks to Sarah Palin. I don’t just mean a political figure the same sex and race as I am who is in favor of systematically destroying the infrastructure set-up to combat the discrimination against people like me that’s reinforced by hundreds of years of injustice. I was always of the opinion that anyone possessing normal human empathy could understand that. I am talking about something more specific.

When one discovers their education is either useless or to some degree a hindrance you try and find other reasons it was worth it. Alpha Man has been known to remark “at least I made alot of white people mad.” Touche Alpha Man. Similarly I got satisfaction out of proving guys who thought a woman’s place was the kitchen wrong.  In fact the hardest part of my law school hiatus was taking a paralegal job working for predominantly men who would assume I couldn’t hack law school which ironically made me more attractive to them. Some of my single friends who stuck it out actually envied me. But screw that. I only need to meet one acceptable guy whose not intimidated by me to have a relationship. The rest can cower in fear and I take satisfaction in that. It’s almost worth the 28 cents less per dollar I will make in my lifetime.

So then Sarah Palin comes along and essentially wipes out a decade’s worth of little victories – my own and millions of nameless women. I mean Sarah Palin is probably the most famous woman that a great deal of men can name and those men are the most likely to harbor sexist views.  I can almost hear their thoughts “she has to write notes on her hand… she may be the next President but she’s still a woman!” After that there’s nothing you as a woman can do to prove to that man you are his intellectual equal (or in alot of cases superior).

I grew up in the eighties where cartoons tried to teach kids gender equality with an episode where the female characters beat or rescue the male characters.  The most notable of course is the Chipmunk Adventure when the Chippettes beat/save the Chipmunks even though they took a detour to save a baby penguin.

While Sarah Palin may look like Janette, the awkward nerdy Chippette with her glasses and brown hair in a bun, she has none of Janette’s spunk or character. You need to look to Nancy Pelosi for that. Sarah Palin is more like the older female character who would tell the heroine she couldn’t do it. That it wasn’t a woman’s place.