Mama’s Boy for Hire
As I was cutting the crusts off the cucumber and cottage cheese sandwiches I was making for my mother’s book club and looking at the automated job rejections appear on my hotmail account (after all who reads job apps on the weekend) suddenly it hit me – the idea that was going to get me the best kind of employment, self-employment.
45 minutes later as I was refilling Mrs. Beraducci’s tea I ran the idea by her. See, she’s always complaining about her no-good sons who never come by, call or visit (as if a medical residency, semester abroad or deployment to Iraq was any excuse) and is always visibly jealous of my mom whenever I replace a light bulb, clean out the garage or drive to Whole Foods with her canvas bags so she can get the 5 cents per bag discount. She loved the idea. They say every chronicly unemployed person eventually tries to start their own business. With that in mind may I present Young Men for domestic Companionship and Ambience or YMCA.
Imagine you’ve just sat down to watch The View when suddenly you realize your Orange Juice you just bought has pulp in it and you got rasberry not blackberry jam. To make matters worse you had a coupon for the orange juice…and it expires today! Fortunately you’re a member of YMCA. You call Seymore, and within 20 minutes he’s on the front porch wearing a nice button down collared shirt and khakis. He’s to the store and back before your show is even halfway down and what’s this? He brought flowers! Who needs a son when you have Seymore!
Ever wondered what a room would look like if a heavy TV or bookcase was somewhere else and wished you could find out knowing that things could be returned to their proper place on a whim? Ever wanted to re-arrange all the pictures on your wall while telling the story behind each one? Do you like cottage cheese and cucumber sandwiches?!
The deluxe package gets you a live-in young man available 12 hours a day and for emergencies at night. The Platinum package gets you a live-in exclusive young man free of all other obligations. A custom plan requires that you purchase time slots (week day or weekend) of the young man of your choice.
This is the business plan of an ivy-league trained attorney.
Aaaaaaah ha ha ha ha!
This is without question the saddest and most pathetic thing I have ever read. I can’t tell if you’re serious…but it doesn’t matter. The type of mind that could even conceive of this is obviously so far beyond saving that suicide is not enough lest a fragment of your existence still somehow remains in your lifeless carcass. You, my friend, can settle for nothing less than self-imolation or blowing yourself up somehow.