I root for Chicago teams because I am a winner. The ’80s Bears the ’90s Bulls and most recently the Blackhawks.  The city is also about winners. Jordan, Obama, Batman (Gotham is based on Chicago) and, well me. I’m Italian and I’ve got connections.

My idiot gf forgot to, get this, mail (not pay, just mail) our last set of bills so my student loan check and a bunch of other stuff was late. Late means fees and if you’re a student loan check it means that my streak several YEARS long has been broken making me ineligible for the September 1st interest reduction. Thanks Princess! So naturally I went on a bender in AC after selling one of her first editions her father gave her online and then saying her drug addict brother stole it. This is going somewhere I promise.

So I’m messed up and when I get messed up I run my mouth normally about something that makes me angry. In this case KF Li. That backstabbing arrogant little prick. Call me out in public (if a blog with such low traffic can even be considered public). I have in my possession information about my greatest scam that would shut him up good so I decided to test the story for shock value by telling the guy on the barstool next to me. His reaction – aren’t you scared of getting caught and going to prison?

No. Not just because I am me and don’t scare and not just because there is no chance I would get caught. Simply put, people like me don’t go to prison. And even if I did it would be a minimum security resort where I could write a book, earn another degree on the taxpayer’s dime and spend hour after hour sculpting my beautiful abs.  I’d break my share of hearts I know, but the cornhole is off limits.

So no, I am not scared of prison.  Prison by DEFINITION is for losers.  You have to get caught AND not beat the rap for it.  I can’t even fathom that.  I mean I am not a total stranger to losing…I mean the Bears did lose the Super Bowl a few years back.  But losing twice in a row?  I mean, that’s not even POSSIBLE in any respectable sports tournament, and sports by definition are controlled events with artificial rules based on fairness (if you think that’s what our legal system is that’s cute).

Any lawyer worth their salt in my opinion has done something that would land them in jail.  Personally, I think that’s why alot of the rules such as attorney-client privilege exist because without them any shmuck who knowingly helped a murderer or rapist beat the rap would be a member of what I consider an elite club.  I lawyer who’s never committed a crime is like a doctor who doesn’t drink, smoke or have unprotected sex.  I mean, how can I trust you that you’re good at what you do if I see you taking the same precautions normal people are supposed to take?  Hell, it’s like seeing a Daredevil buckle their seatbelt.

So again, my being scared of prison would be like a kid with a perfect score on their SATs worrying about having to join the military to pay for college.