I just got another text from the African Goddess I met when I ditched a suicidal Icarus at Irish Pub the other day.  Apparently she found this blog, recognized Icarus’ post and figured out who I was…and yes she read the article where I repeated racist propoganda at my firm to ingraciate myself with the partners who hold those views because I deemed them to hold more power than the younger progressive ones…with smaller books of business.  So sad.  She really was beautiful, the kind of beauty where just talking to her (and fortunately that’s all that happened) was more than enough.  But before I start sounding too much like Icarus, I promised you another post about why Professional Responsibility is a joke.

I’ll be honest, once I started talking to this girl I forgot where I was going with the previous post.  I promised an Icarus update and despite his lack of recent posts I can guarantee he’s still breathing.  SO that said I may as well tell you what a Professional Responsibility class is like at an Ivy-League law school.

First, a disclaimer.  I didn’t go.  I didn’t go for the same reason I didn’t go to most classes.  First, I didn’t care.  Second, I did worse on exams when I was confused by the stupid shit Law Professors say when they open their mouths in front of people with no power over them.  So this is second hand.

The classes are usually taught by local practitioners.  If you’re a respectable law school than it’s a big name partner at a big name firm.  The first day this partner will simply brag about the pro-bono work he’s done.  Do not be fooled.  That simply means that those with the bulk of the shares no longer trust this individual with work that gets them paid.  The second day their will be stupid hypotheticals usually involving Nazis or the KKK.  The do-gooders (if there are any left at this point) will raise their hands and the partner will non-chalantly mock their most sacred beliefs and if they’re GOOD will trip them up such that they cannot articulate in legal terms what they know in their heart to be true.  That’s the first crack that lets in this new and frankly perverted way of thinking.

The next two weeks involve taking situations where common decency directly conflicts with what one’s “professional responsibility” is and the rest is spent more or less on how to fill out timesheets.  My personal favorite though is the rule out about ratting someone out.  So if a lawyer knows another lawyer has violated the code he is REQUIRED to rat on this individual and it cannot be anonymous.  Now let’s think about that.  Are lawyers, unlike the general populace REQUIRED (as in failure to do so results in the loss of freedom or property) to report ACTUAL VIOLATIONS OF LAW? No.  What about crimes committed by other lawyers that are not violations of the code? No.  IN FACT, you more likely than not would be required to keep that SECRET.  See what I just did? 

If you follow professional responsibility to the letter, you are required to put these trade guidelines above, well, the law.  And what do most of these trade guidelines have to do with? Timesheets.  Billing.  Money.  How does something become AGAINST the rules of professional responsibility?  It’s simply a behavior pattern that endangers the business of practicing law as a whole.  Fraud undermines trust in lawyers.  That is bad for business.  That’s a violation.  More specifically, fraudulently reporting your time causes businesses to more closely audit lawyers.  That is REALLY bad for business. That’s a MAJOR violation. 

You see my point.  Last thing I’ll say.  Every lawyer routinely violates this code the same way every normal driver routinely violates traffic law.  Imagine if you could lose your job and the right to work in your sector for a traffic ticket? Do think that’s something that’s fairly enforced? Do you think that’s even possible…or do you think a den full of lawyers makes these decisions based on politics?  Hmmm, let me think about that…what’s the background of most career politicians?

I’ve got another great story about the time I cheated on a law exam…but first let’s see if my pale as hell girlfriend (whose blue veins and tiny breasts are now particularly noticeable) knows about the African Goddess.