Money.  It’s the answer to alot of questions.  Fat White Men make more money if they are conservative.  Blonde College Dropout Bartenders make more money if they act slutty.  I could have titled this post “Why Young White Male Lawyers Like Myself Routinely Turn in Fraudulent Timesheets” but then Benito would have gotten on my ass.  Alot of things lead to money though, for instance hard work. Yet, I couldn’t entitle this post “Why the Average American Works Hard.”  There is a difference between money and money.

Money in the first sense means “decadence.”  That money is for luxury cars, flat screen televisions, pre-furnished condos.  Money in the second sense means a first house, sending children to good schools, saving for retirement, etc. Maybe money isn’t the full answer.  Let’s try and answer the title questions again.

It’s easy.  Being conservative is not a nuanced philosophy.  Money, lip-service to God and Country, unborn children = good.  Minorities, women, environment = bad.  Even a ditz with a retard factory between her legs can stumble through an interview with a few well-placed notes on her hand.  Similarly, acting slutty is easy.  I love the Princess, but bless her heart, she’s one of the laziest creatures I’ve ever seen.  She approaches her job with the enthusiasm of a Quaker Army recruiter – yet she makes up for it with sluttiness. 

Still not quite satisfied.  I mean, technically the easiest political philosophy is my own – simply act in your immediate best interest and use the time others waste on politics to get ahead.  I do conservative things like discriminate when it serves my interest, yet I would never argue with the handful of liberal white partners (I argue with the female and minority partners because it makes me look good to the more powerful white conservative ones).  As for being slutty, I mean I am boinking the Princess and I know first hand the depraved outer limits of her sluttiness and alot of that stuff ain’t easy.

Self-loathing?  Being fat sucks.  I can only imagine.  I’ve yet to meet an attractive fat person and attractiveness has a strong correlation with earning potential in the professions, particularly Law.  Conservatism is based largely on hate directed at immutable characteristics.  Similarly, it’s one thing to work as a bar tender as a second job, or if you own the bar, or at night while you go to school, or if you love people, or if your educational opportunities are limited, or if you are just darn good at it…but a college dropout whose main source of income, no matter how it is dressed up or disguised, is ultimately her father, is a bartender for none of those reasons.  She also knows she’s not going to be hot forever.

I am not knocking fat people and obviously no post on this blog is going to argue that leaving school and either stopping the debt bleeding or spending your parents’ money on something more productive is a bad idea.  Also for the record I am not calling the Princess a slut.  A slut would have accepted the implants I offered instead of simply purchasing and augmenting oversized bras (which only works when you’re not being routinely groped or wearing low-cut tops.  Imagine my dissapointment when I first copped a drunken feel in the restroom of…wherever the hell we met). I am simply using a thought experiment to illustrate the following:

A vast amount of human behavior can be explained by filling a personal void with the most expedient pursuit of money. 

Which finally brings us full circle to the student debtor, a group not surprisingly lacking in fat conservative white men and sluttly blonde college dropout bartenders.  Is there a take home lesson here or is that the equivalent of stating most Martians have never been to Cleveland? I don’t know.  First, I’d say if you somehow manage to be in both groups you might want to make an appointment with Dr. Kevorkian  (a surprising number of suicides end in failure and your resume isn’t looking so stellar).  Second…maybe chronic student debtors and fat conservative white men/blonde college dropout slutty bartenders are two sides of the same rusty, worn-out coin.

Don’t see it?  Well, frugality, fasting and chastity are clearly part of the same shiny, righteous coin.  So close your wallet, close your legs and for the love of Jeebus put down your fork.  Abs people.