Hello my name is Benito Mario. I am a fan of the original Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. Due to the gross incompetence and sheer inadequacy of recent films, in addition to a personal written apology I would also like you to pay my student loans. It really is the least you can do.

By way of background:Back when my life had hope I used to enjoy such classics as The Star Wars and Indiana Jones trilogies. A classic nerd, in addition to memorizing large chunks of dialogue I also had all the books from the Young Indiana Jones chronicles and the Heir to the Empire series…therefore I knew where Indiana Jones comes from and I knew what happens after Anakin finally restores balance to the force. What I didn’t know was how Anakin became Vader or what became of Indiana after he rode off into the sunset after finding the greatest treasure of all time. I spent literally 20 years thinking about the answer to these questions. It would have been nice if George Lucas and Steven Spielberg had spent say, 20 minutes thinking about it.

I am not going to even attempt to break down the numerous failures of the recent films. There are entire websites devoted to that. Instead I am going to talk about how these failures have affected me.  I used to use the films as an escape from the world of school, a break of sorts. But back then I was a kid who had nothing to worry about but school and bullies and the former was more forte. In other words life wasn’t all that bad.

By the time the new films came out life wasn’t so simple. I had a debtload I was just beginning to realize was going to be a crippling burden even if I found and maintained employment on the higher end of the employment spectrum. I went to these movies because I wanted to be inspired and reminded of a time when I didn’t wake up everyday scared. Then I saw the films and the only way it would have been complete would have been if one of you took a big steaming crap in my overpriced popcorn.

As I always promise but is particularly appropriate here if you have the basic decency to fork over the 212k I won’t use it for my own debt, I will set up a trust for student debtors so that they can get some level of relief over time. You owe us at least that.