Dear Robert Pattinson and Taylor Lautner,

Hello, my name is Benito Mario and I would greatly appreciate it if you would give me the money to pay off my student loans.  I am writing you with this shameful request for an undeserved handout mostly because I am hoping your names will add hits to my new, floundering blog.  Truth be told I am not familiar with the works you are most famous for, but I have seen you guys on the Daily Show and hosting SNL respectively and from what I can tell you guys seem alright.

I first googled your names during one of my stints as an RA so I would have some common ground with the freshmen girls who failed to make friends (and thus were stuck with their RA on a Friday or Saturday night).  When that method proved effective I tried to actually read the novel(s) your works are based on.  I figured I was a fan of Ann Rice and that Twilight would be similar.  I read page one and to make a long story short my new plan for paying off my student loans is to write a best selling novel about vampires by getting a bunch of gerbils drunk and letting them run loose on the keyboard.  The back up plan is painting a black cape on my friend’s white rabbit and have him audition for the lead in “Bunnicula” which is scheduled for an early 2012 release date.  This regulates begging celebrities I don’t know personally to my back up back up plan, so really by the time this letter finds either of you I could have paid off my student loans and then some.

I was going to add Kirsten Stewart to this letter, but I don’ t find her very attractive…not that I find either of you attractive, it’s just I am confused by young famous actresses who aren’t.  I mean in addition to having to deal with Vampires and Werewolves I have to believe that Kirsten Stewart is the hottest thing these immortal beings who have seen countless women over hundreds of years have ever seen? She looks like my buddy’s first girlfriend and news flash! we were losers.  I’m not saying she’s ugly.  I am also not saying her prom date is a member of the chess club.  He’s just not quarterback of the football team and he probably doesn’t have his own car.

Anyway, my loans are about 213k but if you agree to give me that money it is my pledge that rather than use that money to simply save my own neck and salvage the rest of my wasted life I will instead use the entirety of the amount, less applicable taxes, to start a scholarship fund for student debtors whose spirits haven’t been permanently crushed like mine have.  Thank you for your time.