Dear Ms.  Spears,

My name is Benito Mario and I am a fair weather fan and well wisher (in that I don’t wish you any particular harm). I find you to be an excellent dancer, good mother, adequate singer and a better actress than every rapper save Will Smith, Ludacris, Most Def and LL Cool J. That said I would appreciate it greatly if you could find it in your heart to pay the balance of my student loans and related expenses which are approximately $212,047. With interest, new defaults and penalties that amount is subject to change. Please read on so that I might explain why I have singled you out for this handout request.

To be honest I chose you in part because you are very rich (assuming of course you are currently in control of your own finances) and I am hoping by mentioning your name on my blog a small fraction of your many fans will visit this site, raising my hit total and thus burgeoning my crippled self-esteem. I also honestly believe your fan base would benefit from the content of this site given their particular demographic.

There is more however.  We have something in common besides December birthdays. Both of us were once atop our respective worlds, mine academic and yours entertainment, and both of us believed the establishment myth that having obtained a certain level of achievement it would all be relatively smooth sailing from here. Once the lie was exposed we were caught in a downward spiral and given our positions of privilege not only did we fail to garner much sympathy but also had many delight in our fall. You in particular were in the unfortunate position of having all of your mistakes documented in the media. I am not denying reality. You are an attractive, rich, multi-talented superstar and I am an over-educated lump living at home with his mother. By all accounts you have a vibrant presence while I am usually described as ornery and disagreeable.

Still we are both at a stage where we realize that we will never have certain experiences. You will never have a normal young adulthood. I will never move out of my mother’s house and build the necessary confidence to attract a mate. As such, it is my pledge to you that if you fulfill my obnoxious, undeserved request I will use the money, lest applicable taxes, to start a scholarship fund for student debtors as opposed to paying off my own debt and trying to salvage what’s left of my own broken life.

I hope this letter has found you well. I wish you the best in your future endeavors and thank you for considering my request.

Sincerely,

Benito Mario