I shouldn’t have agreed to head up what is supposed to be a regular column but as the only member in a functional relationship (Mike you don’t count) I sort of got volunteered. Now as I am sure Mike will point out, I don’t even know what my boyfriend does…but there I would disagree. I know what he does. He pays bills and he pays when we go out. What I don’t know is his occupation. I can live with that. Here’s why.

Like it or not student loans affect every stage of a relationship. Girls think about marriage. It’s how we’re wired barring a traumatic experience. We know that if we have loans we are less attractive as marriage potential. The same is true for men. I will admit I think about how debt will effect a man’s ability to provide for a family. Notice how I didn’t say for a wife.  I seriously doubt I am alone here.

Since I am not trying to write an essay, let’s choose a single issue. Debt forces decisions to be made before one would otherwise have to. Case in point: if you do the math and factor in interest, taxes, and childcare/domestic duties a working spouse with a heavy debtload is about equal to a stay at home spouse with no debt, particularly in the first 10-15 years.  Therefore the choice one has is essentially a partner approximately the same age with the same ambitions and experiences or a likely younger partner willing to play a more behind the scenes roll. Simply put, do you want to come home late at night to a partner as frazzled, exhausted and beat-looking as you just because he or she is better able to relate to a conversation you are too tired to have OR do you want to come home to dinner and sex where all you have to do is sort of lie there? There is no time to get to know an individual because of the elephant in the room. You quickly decide which path you want and craft your affections accordingly. You end up either forcing yourself to love someone you don’t or you set up barriers preventing love from ever seeping through.

What this effectively creates are life stages with different partners. You stay with the person you dated in school until debts are paid down a little and each person wants to start a family but without sacrificing career. Neither one of you moves on career and one of you gets a job someplace else and you meet someone younger and there you have it.

I will concede that this model is harder for women than it is for men. But as society and technology change that gap is closing faster and faster. For what it’s worth I am not a fan of this model. I think it’s akin to leading a double life. I think it’s detrimental to the American family and I think it’s the reason society as a whole should care about this problem.