Mike Triforce here.  Hold the applause.  I am just not in the mood.

A few days ago I wrote a post about how the Princess was around less and given our financial bind I naturally assumed that that was due to finding or at least actively seeking gainful employment (though the couch, unwashed dishes and unwalked dog surely missed her) but I was wrong. I am still in shock but I had to…I don’t know…let me just say it.

The Princess…went back to school.

What. The. FUCK?! This trifling, shiftless, good-for-nothing waistrel has been nothing but an anchor around my neck.  She can’t…we can’t…there’s no…

I mean, where to begin?  Ok, I’ll just say it.  I was counting on her daddy’s money.  Money that could have floated some of our bills or paid off some of MY LOANS for the education that is PAYING OUR BILLS.  Instead that money is going to pay her tuition so she can study Art History or some other useless endeavor.   I just wanted to tell her that those people leading the guided tours at museums aren’t speaking from academic knowledge, they are just repeating what they are listening to…they’re not deaf, that’s an earpiece. 

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Hi Kids. So here we are poised for another year of fruitless job hunts, endless expensive schooling complete with another cycle of loans and just to make the taste of failure complete I thought I’d add a few failed start-up businesses. I’m already told that YMCA also known as Mama’s Boy for Hire has already been mistaken for an illegal prostitution ring catering to older women. So sad. Anyway, here is what you can expect from us this fall and beyond.

Familiar favorites such as “Post of the Week” and “Pay My Student Loans” will be making a return.  In addition a bi-weekly “So, New to Debtor’s Prison?” will
Provide summary info. To people who are checking us out for the first time.

Administratively you may have noticed some bottlenecks aka a few days with no posts and then four or five show-up.  We are trying to monitor our posts a bit more closely due to past incidents (ahem Triforce) and that pertains to comments too so bare with us ye few yet faithful.

So anyway thanks for reading these past seven months or so and please stick with us as we march on to 100,000 hits and hopefully a one year anniversary!

I’m coming off the best summer I’ve had since the one before college. Finally my life has direction again. I feel like the rich kid who joins the army in defiance of the father turning his back on the family shipping business or whatever. Now that everyone is saying don’t go to lawschool it is the sexy rebel’s choice again.

I have borrowed so much money it’s criminal.  My bank account looks better than it ever has. I routinely spend more at coffee shops in a day than I used to spend on food in a week.

I love how I am treated.  Here’s a tip kids: nobody cares what you’ve done it’s all about what people think you are going to do. I’d rather be a high schooler with No. 1 potential in basketball or football than be a lameduck President. Conventional wisdom is still that my classmates and I are collectively doomed, but me personally? I could be making $200k in NY in three years and everyone from baristas to bartenders seem to know it.

But there’s also more. I studied that chart Alpha Man posted. It’s all over the net. I’ve read comments here and on other sites and suddenly I realized what Triforce was referring to – the scam he pulled that he won’t write about. Touché Triforce, I know you pretty well and I wouldn’t have thought even your miniature effiminate poodle-looking dog would have stooped that low. You looking for a job Triforce? In five years you could be working for me.

I love being a lawyer. I don’t work and get paid while many of my classmates who worked hard are out in the street. Everything is better when someone who once considered themselves your equal can’t afford it. However for the past couple of months I have been rolling with some finance kids from NY and cash has become a bit stretched keeping up with them. The downside of their jobs of course is they have to actually work. Sure, I could be a millionaire in a few years but I’d rather just take the steady paycheck that is based on a fictional abstraction than a sporadic one based on results. Also it seems like every firm in Philly and Jersey willing to meet the NY market is dragging their feet with hiring.

Which brings me to the subject of the Princess. I know many of you doubt the wisdom of keeping her around but look at it this way: Now that the till is a bit empty instead of continuing to roll with the finance kids and their model-hot Swedish entourage I can fake an emergency at work and get some free (though somewhat bland and routine) sex at home. Further, I can put some pressure on her to drum up some cash.  Now usually I would say that that is synonymous with asking her daddy. I let her run-up a 15k tab knowing she could never pay me back, charging some healthy interest in the hopes of getting a daddy check, or in leiu of that unofficially taking over one of his rental properties aka nicer place and no rent. Did I mention I haven’t paid my student loans in several months to finance these NY trips? Anyone who hasn’t deduced that has never been with a swede. Tiger is a damn fool. The only woman he should have cheated with was his wife’s twin sister.

But here is where I give the Princess her do. I think…I think she actually found a job! A real job where she’s on a payroll and pays taxes like an adult! Here are the clues- she’s gone during the day and when she is around she seems tired but not the lazy I’ve been up three hours already tired but the I have done something productive today tired. She also comes back looking borderline respectable/high class slutty.

Granted their isn’t much she is fit to do but one thing she could do is sell real-estate particularly to single male investors. Successful real-estate agents can make a mint. I’m almost proud of her.

Now before all of you go calling me a dick or a chauvinist let me say I will not be spending her first commission check wining and dining a six foot Swedish model before becoming intimately familiar with the details of her anatomy. I will use her money to pay our rent and my back loans…thereby freeing up my own money to go Ikea shopping.

This is the last post by our guest columnist Tom Wick.  We wish him the best in establishing himself as an author and thank him for his contributions to this blog.

So it’s almost labor day or depending on how quickly Benito’s admin is posting things perhaps even past then…so this will probably be my last regular post. Thank you to all the automated phishing programs that left comments.  So I wanted to do two things: leave you with some kind of departing word of wisdom and talk about the scam blogger who recently revealed her real identity while simultaneously trying to hock a self-published book.

The first part easy. Success is like a wave, once it reaches it’s foamy peak, it’s too late to ride it if you’re still on the beach. What I mean is once you’ve read Hairy Potter or Twilight it’s too late to write about sorcerers and werewolves EVEN IF you have a very original take, because your good work is going to get lost in the noise of the copycats. If you’re successful most likely it will be by doing something nobody has thought of or by writing something that becomes timely on the verge of it’s completion. This is more than just being lucky. Ever wonder how the championship hats for the winning team get made in time for the post game interview? Of course the hats are made for both teams ahead of time. If you want to guarantee success you need to take this approach…except for you there are more than two possible answers there are infinite and it’s a book not a hat.

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This is it in a nutshell.  I’ll see if I can get the gang to weigh in…

So there have been alot of things to get used to working at my new job.  Just about everyone goes on vacation between the 4th of July and Labor Day.  Just about everyone works between 8 and 6.  Many people are content with their current jobs and plan to work there until they retire.  They see their children and significant others.  If you refer to someone as the “nice” guy that’s usually not enough to identify them.  If you refer to someone as an “asshole” usually that is enough to identify them.  But there was always something more…and unfortunately for nurses that “something more” was the fact that my new profession wasn’t subservient to another.

I know being a paralegal and a nurse have many differences, but at the end of the day they are subservients to lawyers and doctors respectively, and it doesn’t matter if the former has been on the job 40 years and the latter is on their first day…JD equals “Just Do what I say” and MD equals ”My Decision.” 

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- Do Not be Paralyzed

By Your Ability to See Both Sides

Look Towards Your Anchor and Act

However, Choose your Anchor Cautiously

For it is the basis of all your journey’s decisions

Lest you be lead in the circle of hypocrisy

- Anonymous –

These aren’t my words but I thought I’d share them because they illustrate the other “law school scam” that has nothing to do with the fact that it’s an overpriced waste of time that has little chance of getting you any sort of gainful employment, much less one that might help you pay off your loans and start a life before you’re dead.  I also am not going to take issue with professors whose only job is to write and consider teaching a nuasance.  I am taking issue with the fact that a legal education is an enemy of “truth” as defined in the discipline of philosophy and as such eliminates the anchor spoken of in the prose that introduces this entry.  Allow me to explain.

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So my cousin Bobby was making his college decision last year around this time. He committed to Maryland (where he’s from) but then got into Johns Hopkins off the waitlist. At the time I encouraged him to go to Hopkins because Maryland kids are thuggish and Bobby was still known as “Young Breezy aka Bitches n’ Tits also known as TYD.” TYD stood for “Throat Yogurt Dispenser.” However Aunt Jenine wasn’t rich so Bobby had to take out a fair number of loans.

So I spend a weekend with him this summer and instead of listening to my helpful hints about orgo this silly ass can’t stop talking about how healthcare reform is going to adversely effect his earning potential. Seriously?

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As I was cutting the crusts off the cucumber and cottage cheese sandwiches I was making for my mother’s book club and looking at the automated job rejections appear on my hotmail account (after all who reads job apps on the weekend) suddenly it hit me – the idea that was going to get me the best kind of employment, self-employment.

45 minutes later as I was refilling Mrs. Beraducci’s tea I ran the idea by her. See, she’s always complaining about her no-good sons who never come by, call or visit (as if a medical residency, semester abroad or deployment to Iraq was any excuse) and is always visibly jealous of my mom whenever I replace a light bulb, clean out the garage or drive to Whole Foods with her canvas bags so she can get the 5 cents per bag discount. She loved the idea. They say every chronicly unemployed person eventually tries to start their own business. With that in mind may I present Young Men for domestic Companionship and Ambience or YMCA.

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